Hello just to let you know I'm not a professional just a writer like you.
Overall sense
This was a very well written essay. It brought out details I didn't know was there, like Bipolar III and cyclothymia. In my personal opion those would be the two I would focus more on if your doing articles to be published. I say this because there is not much out there on them.
Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. Keep writing. Mystic Angel
I thought this was well written and hope you continue to write more. It makes the point to me that sometimes during our grief we miss the littlest detail of importance.
My favorite line is " Unbearable grief and pain. Medicated, on the verge of collapse," this really hit home and brought it to reality.
Hello, just to let you know I'm not a professional just a writer like you OVERALL SENSE I really enjoyed the poem and what it stands for. Showing how important the Statue of Liberty can be. AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT I had trouble with the first line, the last word just doesn't seem to flow smoothly.
as the Guardian and the Beacon,
ever shining Her torch into the night of
oppression, I would put 'ever shining her tourch' as a line by itself, then combine the last two, to make it run smoothly. FAVORITE LINE
Shelter us with Your shield!
Defend us with Your sword!
Guide us with Your light! this brings emotion to me}
Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. I hope to see more. Let me know if you revise it and I will do another review for you.
Mystic Angel
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Hello just to let you know I'm not a professional just a writer like your. This needs to be rated 18. Overall sense
I have no idea what is going on, your story left me confused by what I had read. Was this for a contest? Overall it would make a good middle of a story. Areas of improvement
Work on showing more than telling. Like when he lifts his hands, then tell what his pants looked like as they fell to the ground. Favorite line
The man's thin purple lips trembled, his eyes puffed red and Jon felt the tugging, such a sad thing. Very good image here.
Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. As you work on it let me know when an edit version is ready and I will read it again. Thank you Mystic Angel
Hello, just to let you know I'm not a professional just a writer like you. OVERALL SENSE
This is a true tribute to all of us, but especially to the ones on Flight 93. AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT
Not so much improvement as I had trouble with collapse and gaps in the rhyming scheme. But I liked it. FAVORITE LINE
The twin towers falling rather symbolically This made me think that it takes something of value to get our attention and this is true in most people.
Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. I loved it. keep on writing. Mystic Angel
Hello, just to let you know I'm not a professional just a writer like you. OVERALL SENSE
It felt like I was reading the middle of the story. It kept me reading from start to finish. But it cut off to short. I figure this was for a contest, but it could be a great short story with some fine tuning. GRAMMAR/SPELLING
Check your use of his and her, it got confusing at one point and I had to reread it. AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT
Slow down a little bit. You jump to fast, just add a little more detail to surroundings and whats happening. I could see she was pregnant, but my brain thinks different than most. FAVORITE LINE
The glass in her right hand shattered, slivers of glass embedding in her palm.
Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. Keep on writing. Mystic Angel
Hello, I'm not a professional just a writer like you.
Overall sense
I left a little confused by the set up.
Grammar/Spelling
Only use quotation marks if they are speaking to someone. Was she saying this to someone?
Areas of Improvement
On your chapter titles it confuses me. Are you saying that chapter 6 is first. I think it would be better to rearrange and give each chapter a name.
If you decided to redo this let me know and I will look at it again. Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. Mystic Angel
Hello, just to let you know I'm not a professional , just a writer like you
OVERALL SENSE
This piece was very helpful and left me with a new understanding of writing chapters.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING
didn't see any
AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT
"A chapter is as long as the writer needs it to be to fulfill his purpose." "A good chapter could stand alone as a short story." To me these two conflict each other. A good short story is between 1000 and 2000 words. And I would have started with the second one.
your link to visual thesaurus is only a trail offer, who might want to mention that.
FAVORITE LINES
Like your mind, your story is always open for further fine-tuning.
Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. It was really helpful. Mystic Angel
Hello, just to let you know I'm not a professional, just a writer like you. OVERALL SENSE
I have to say that this was a true inspiration to all mothers of children who have special needs. It drew me in and kept me there until the end. I left with the feeling that I was not alone in this fight. GRAMMAR/SPELLING}
Did not see any spelling errors as I read it. AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT
Since this is listed under non-fiction, I would be careful about the this section, simply because your mother may not want this much information made to the public. Take the time to make sure that it is okay with her. It is her personal information that you put here for us to read. "first there was Phil from Pennsylvania- a good man who liked to go to frontier recreations and camping- sadly he got a job offer in Ohio, but mom was unable to go with him at the time. Then there was another man, whom I think was my Aunt’s friend or some such thing- sadly he had some medical problems he’d been denying, and after a trip to the hospital, we never saw him again. Currently there’s Doug, a good man and a hard worker, though admittedly he does have some issues, such as being a recovering alcoholic, which he has gotten help for, and has been sober for over three years now, though he still has issues with his daughters from his previous relationships, and his father isn’t in the best of health. However, he’s doing alright." Some moms that have children who have special needs, go through rough periods, but it is up to them whether they want this discussed or not. Other than that its a great written piece, just wouldn't want you to offend your mother, with what seems to be a tribute to her. FAVORITE LINES
After I was finally correctly diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, my mother tried to get me more help. However, the places that had programs that could help me were some distance away. After talking to other parents, who were in similar situations, she realized that something had to be done. Together, they form the group Step Up for Autism. Currently, she is the spokesperson for the group, and a special walk has been held in late September for the last couple of years. The money that is raised helps local families.
This is my favorite because it showed that your mom refused to give up and did something about it.
I have enjoyed reading "A Mother's Courage. Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. Keep on writing.
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Hello, just to let you know I'm not a professional just a writer like you.
Overall sense
Your beginning was really good and drew me in the with suspense. I can see your still working on this piece so my review will be shorter than normal. When your finished I would gladly read it again.
Areas of improvement.
I believe its the third period of the day and I am on my way to my science class (show him walking down the hall way and into the class where he sits down.)
I can't help but concentrate on the girl sitting in front of me. From the back she looks so familiar to me, yet I can't put my finger on it as to why. (describe what he see's, maybe her long hair of golden spring with the smell of flowers surrounding his nose, something like that.) You kinda get my meaning I hope.
Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. I did enjoy it. Mystic Angel
Hello, thought I'd read some more of your stories.
Overall sense,
I could relate to your story, maybe not to those holidays, but the feeling was the same. I could feel your struggle and left me with hope and encouragement. I could vividly picture the snow,ice and trying to drive through it. The image of you sitting in bed thinking that about your father was a nice image.
Areas of improvement
If my father were stationed too far from the rest of the family for us to make the trip “home,” we still had “her” dishes plus turkey or ham. I read this several times, before moving on. It just doesn't run smooth. Not sure why, but very hard to picture.
Favorite line
Yes, I remember when ... But from despair comes hope, and from love comes healing.
Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. Hope to see you soon. Mystic Angel (Joanna Miller)
Hello, just to let you know I'm not a professional, just a writer like you.
OVERALL SENSE
It drew me in from the start and kept me reading with vivid imaginary. I could picture every star putting on there best performance. The colors of the northern lights still dance in my head. I felt like I was in the canoe with you and Looking through the camera. Have to read again to finish review.
Area of Improvement
Honestly I can't see any except maybe the ending. I thought this line was the perfect ending "I was not going home alone." Then you seem to start it up again, does that mean another story for another time.
Favorite lines
The brightest and closest performer hanging barely above the horizon was Jupiter, quickly gliding away towards the north-east exit. Capella, on the other hand, took a gentler course and lit up half the sky with its brilliance. The majestic Great Bear crossed the meridian in full grandeur with Hercules following its trail. Later that night, the Gemini twins looked particularly impressive. And who could miss Princess Vega, waiting for her lover Altair who, unable to cross the Milky Way, stood helplessly on the other side?
Thank you for writing and posting this for me to review. Even though I really couldn't find anything wrong, I felt you needed a review of what your story left me with. I felt peace and Harmony as I read this. It seemed to relax me. Thank you and keep writing. Mystic Angel
Hello, just to let you know I'm not a Professional, just a writer like you.
OVERALL SENSE
I could picture the two guys sitting under the stars talking to each other. But had trouble picturing what they were wearing. It kept me reading from start to finish, and left me feeling like I wanted more to read.
AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT
said the man I the servants attire.( what?) I didn't understand what you were trying to say here, and would like to.
Favorite lines
“People simply may have never come back to tell the tale,” spoke Varius as a matter of factly. (I like it, because you made one character think outside the box, while the other one is thinking inside the box. Very clever.
Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. I hope this review helps you and I look forward to seeing more about this story, Maybe? If you write more let me know, I like your story line and want more of it. Mystic Angel
Hello, just to let you know I'm not a professional, just a writer like you
I decided to read this, because I love writing children's stories and I have not went so far as to do pictures yet. So when I read it was a picture book I thought I would check it out.
Very intriguing, What age is this for? I would say 5 to 8 year olds. I would love to see the pictures that go with this picture book.
I really enjoyed this part "At dinner Isabel educated her family further about monsters. “Did you know that monsters’ favorite dinner food is moldy socks smothered in jellyfish sauce? And they love toe-jam pie for dessert!” I started laughing.
What was my least favorite was how you left me hanging. I hope you will consider putting the pictures on here, because the right words with the right pictures, is what will make it sell. Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. Keep on writing.
Hello, just to let you know I'm not a professional, just a writer like you.
OVERALL SENSE
I really like the story. I believe you can turn this into a much longer piece by taking time to show more of the actions going on.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING
"Remember the first time we went there," (should have a question mark)
AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT
"A girl who kicked your sixteen-year-old ass a few months ago," Becky fired back (If this is being wrote to be published for children, then leave the cuss word out of it.)
I had an eerie sensation, (show this eerie sensation instead of telling it)
I had an overwhelming sense of dread. (describe how his body showed this)
Diving onto the slide, I hit the ground in seconds. I ran to the front of the building and waited, hoping my friends would appear, and we would run to our bikes laughing. I prepared to act as if I knew it was a joke. (here is another great spot to show the actions happening instead of telling)
FAVORITE LINE
Is something horrible really happening to them?
Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. If you would like some help with the showing part just let me know. Mystic Angel
Hello, just to let you know I'm not a professional, just a writer like you.
Overall Sense
This is an awesome piece of work. I live the originality of it.
Areas of Improvement
Instead of commas put periods for a better flow
"my good people...do not mourn for me
............................I have lived a good life" you changed your pattern which stopped the flow of the poem. I would reword this to follow the same pattern. This stopped the smoothness of the poem.
Favorite line
you will hear the sound of teardrops You actually made me hear the teardrops falling.
Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. I hope you revise it and let me know so I can read it again and again. I really enjoyed it. Mystic Angel
Hello, just to let you know I'm not a professional, just a writer like you.
Overall sense
Very good start, it drew me in.
Grammar/Spelling
I think so, sometimes Reverse it, put sometimes first.
inside my head. Use in not inside here, so it won't sound repetitious
no other real people exist. use person instead of people
fisrt spelled it wrong, I reverse things all the time.
AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT
Her own personal reminder that she could not fail at times when the odds had stacked mountains agaisnt her. Reword this, I don't understand what your saying
FAVORITE LINE
Am I crazy? Is my mind leaving this world? That feeling I do understand.
Thank you for writing and posting this. I hope to see a revised longer piece soon.
hello, just to let you know I'm not a professional, just a writer like you.
Over All Sense
I loved it. The flow was going pretty nicely, until you hit the following spots. My suggestions are in ().
Grandma ate another cracker. Velma wondered what kind of animal cracker it was. Were the animal crackers coming to life in her grandma’s tummy? (Put each of these sentences on separate lines. That will keep your flow going smoothly.)
Grandma and Velma pictured the bees wearing tiny boxing gloves. Grandma giggled at the thought of bees in her belly. (Put these sentences onto separate lines.)
Grandma put a handful of animal crackers in her mouth. Velma listened closely. Velma couldn’t hear anything. No angry bees. No musical elephants. No laughing hyenas. Nothing. (Put each on a separate line. Leave out Velma couldn't hear anything.)
Then My final suggestion read it to the age group you were writing it for and see their reactions. This will tell you everything you need to know about your story.
You have a wonderful story and I hope you get it published. Thank your for writing and posting this for me to read. Mystic Angel
Hello, just to let you know, I'm not a professional, just a writer like you.
OVERALL SENSE
This peace took me away from my surroundings and into your world. It was awesome
Area of improvement
as she gracefully descended the grand staircase dressed in a long flowing gown, (two or three sentences later you say)
Her red polyester pants seemed extra glisteny today. So what was she wearing?
Favorite line
All of them, this was a very moving piece of work. Thank you for writing and posting it, keep up the awesome work
Hello, just to let you know I'm not a professional, just a writer
Overall sense
Your descriptions were very visual to me. I hope this is not how you feel on a daily basis, but if it is, I congratulate you on not giving in to it.
Area of improvement
"The joint pain compares to that a person feels when he hits his elbow, only it strikes in multiple joints and places and leaves ..." I would have put places, leaving
Favorite line
After all, life is what you make it, or rather what I make it.
Thank you for writing and posting this. I enjoyed reading it. Keep up the great work and don't give in. Mystic Angel
You left one out, I have a family member diagnosed with bipolar. That would be where my vote would have gone. But since me and my daughter is just alike I picked my friends say I'm bipolar. Your title suggested you got to put your opinion about bipolar and this is why I came to this page. We each of our own and this was mine.
Hello, I just want to let you know I'm not a professional, just a writer like you. I am writing this review at your request.
OVERALL SENSE
This is a very entertaining story. It drew me in and kept me there until the end.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING
really didn't spot any
AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT.
Your beginning is weak, I would start with the second paragraph and then just add the needed details from the first paragraph into your story as you go.
FAVORITE LINES
Well, you can start by giving the troll a bath. He smells awful.” replied Queen Lena, holding a handkerchief up to her nose.
King Harald laughed and ordered the soldiers to bring buckets of soapy water from the big laundry pots up to the gate balcony to pour on smelly Molock as he climbed the wall. So that is what the soldiers did. They poured buckets and buckets of soapy water on the troll until he finally fell into the moat below. I thought this was very cute.
Thank you for writing and posting this chapter. I will read the other chapters. Keep writing. Mystic Angel
Hello, I just wanted to let you know I'm not a professional, just a Writer like you. I am reviewing this because I'm a mother of a bipolar daughter and I'm trying to understand her mind.
Overall sense
The story drew me in from the start, made me think about my own daughters mind. It touched my heart and soul deeply and I wanted to cry with you.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING
I didn't find any
AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT
Anaxarete began to cry and scream and slap at the air. There was nothing here. (this could be made into one sentence with some rewording)
Nothing except her and this blackness, and the f***ing stone on her legs (first leave the f word out, it doesn't add to the story. Use commas instead of the word and. This probally could be reworded to show the scene.
FAVORITE LINE
She heard something; sort of a scream or a cry. "No", that wasn't a cry or a scream, it... it... it was her own mind, she was screaming but only she could hear it because it was inside her thoughts, her mind, her soul was screaming.
I really enjoyed reading this, wondering if you have experienced this or know someone who has. Thank you for writing and posting this for me to read. It was a blessing to find it. Mystic Angel
This was a real thought out piece of work. I had not thought of it that way before. I don't forward emails and it drives me nuts when some one forward me one. Thank you for taking the time to show this to everyone on here.
Hello,
The paragraph that start The jolt I prepared my....Doesn't seem to flow smoothly. I'm not sure if its missing words or needs to broken down into more sentences.
The paragraph that starts As we grew..is missing key punctuation to give it effect for the readers.
Other than that it seems to run smoothly. Great piece of work.
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