That's a very nice story, Marie. The only improvements I would offer, if you would care to take my advice, is your punctuation and also maybe now and then you should vary your sentence structure: you know, some sentences long, some shorter?
Otherwise, I like that it is short, sweet and to the point. One day you should think of expanding on this story and making it into a kind of Alice in Wonderland adventure, only with Jule and the Dragon.
What an absolutely powerful piece, Richy. I do like your lyrics, very much. They paint a picture that is true to life, and in the case of this particular piece, a picture to which I definitely can relate.
The way you use your words indicate a sincerity and solidarity to the character you portray.
Richy ~ your words are indeed lyrical ~ they flow beautifully. Isn't life a game of chance anyway? Lotteries simply serve to dash our spirits and the hopes we hold dear. Lotteries are deceiving.
I would love to hear the tune...think I may make one up so I can sing your lyrics.
What a wonderful concept! I love the way the words don't change but do. I have already played twice and could picture myself playing for as long as the rest of the day and not getting bored. Good job. I don't know if I could put together something like this, so thank you for sharing.
Jonathan, I really liked your story actually, as sombre as it is. Your words created great pictures within my mind and depicted the details wonderfully. I would love to know what inspired you to write this and, if I may assume, you drew some of your ideas from a Western theme? You used some marvellous words.
Overall, I don't think there is anything about which I could be too harsh. Your sentences were nicely varied - some long, some short. Your story kept me riveted so is a great job. I am looking forward to reading more of your work.
NR,
My eyes are burning. Your descriptions evoke such vivid
pictures within my mind. I loathe and feel sorry for Anna at the same time. Her actions and words disgust me
yet my ire is somewhat cooled by the knowledge that her
actions are beyond her control. Your story makes me realize just how fortunate I am to be healthy.
The sad thing is that I am certain this is a common thing and quite frankly I do not know how I would react
were I to come into contact with someone who suffers from schizophrenia.
The only thing about which I was a little confused is that the whole time Anna was talking, I had this picture that you were still seated in your patrol car. I mean the last I knew you were looking for parking and then Anna was showing you her calf. I don't know if you did that intentionally or if you want to try a bridge of some sort...
Thank you for your clever story - I enjoyed it a lot!
You know, I am going to go ahead and rate this as perfect! What an alarmingly realistic piece - one that you should share with many many more who "need to get a clue". My brother smokes too. I used to but no more. Filthy habit really. Stinky.
But is it not the addictiveness that draws us? It is a vice and much easier to look at objectively than if addicted. You should not give up on your brother's addiction - it could be fatal, we all know that. And there are many arguments for and against, a topic I shudder to breach any more than I have.
I just want to say yeah to you - spread your wise words...
You know - simple is SO much better!! GREAT and, funny enough, inspiring. What I would not give to be a wolf -stealthily creeping, doing what I feel like doing when I feel like doing it. Peace indeed. No bounds indeed. Would that being human came with those perks. Hmmm - food for thought Draconas...thank you
Shannon you will find your wanted muse when you least expect to. At least that is the advice I am always given. I love your words - so true to life. Music is strangely encouraging even if it tortures. Music makes me cry sometimes and I find that strangely comforting. They do say that opposites attract you know - there has to be some balance between realism and romaticism doesn't there? I hope you find it.
Mars - cool idea really. It is indeed a VERY small world as I have come to realize more than once. I am from SOUTH Africa to be exact - a country that is very troubled but that has a lot of history and a great story behind it. As the now minority race, there was no place for me there past 1998, so I have made my home here in New Jersey. And let me just tell you, America is indeed the land of dreams, so often taken advantage of. I would die for your country! which is now mine own. So thanks for allowing me to share...
You know, Liz, I think your so-called weird format did definite justice to your words. Your choice of words, for that matter, are great: "...hurting me daily, paining me weekly..." are amongst my favorite lines. I feel ALL of these things you described, quite often actually. And no you are, we are, anything but insignificant in this thing called life - you have your place and seems to be to point things out to others...know yourself, you have the power to influence in a myriad of ways...use that....
As it is and if nothing else, you have served to open MY eyes this day...thank you...
And da poem is wonderful. I LIKE. Sometimes the things that are not said are what evoke emotion. In your case, the words you used, as simple as they are, absolutely made me think. I REALLY had to think!
Your piece is loaded with meaning, isn't it? A subtle way for you to get the point across. I need to take note of things, don't I?
Hi there. A very touching piece indeed. I can only wonder at how it happened but more importantly how you find the strength to continue day by day. I imagine it is very hard.
There are one or two things that could be changed grammatically but other than that your words made a lot of sense and evoked emotionality. I wish you well on your journey - may you continue to be strong.
I can identify with your poem wholeheartedly and thank you for awaking an awareness in me I thought I had lost. I have tripped, stumbled and fallen many times over and will the hands of time to turn back, everyday.
Alas, it cannot be so.
So I continue to do what you have said - look out my window and gaze upon the world as day turns to night and night to day, ad infinitum...
Carly Pop, what a lovely piece of writing!:) There is certainly a lot to be said about being small: good things come in small packages, as the saying goes. Your piece is very thought-provoking indeed and truthful. In the great scheme of things, the Bonsai is more powerful than most.
Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more of your work.
What a great piece of work! I pride myself on being one of those, though not ALL the time I admit, that stands out in the crowd; the proverbial black sheep. It is not easy being a purple pumpkin. One needs to be true to oneself above all else. I lack that sometimes and those are the times I wish I were one of the flock.
More power to the purple pumpkin...there should be more of them around...from which to gain inspiration and for which to look upon with awe.
I cannot say whether you like this feeling or not! The thorns and prayers to God to wake you tell me no. I live in a state above reality at times. Not all the time though - that would not be healthy. But to mix the non-real with the real at times is what gives us the ability to bear this thing called life, with all its woes. I would like to read more of your work as I am certain it is interesting.
My eyes burned when I read your words! Truly! My heart aches for you yet I know you are without a doubt a strong strong soul, even if you do not believe that. 'Tis true that time heals all wounds, yet the memories will always remain. Unless one has been in your situation, one cannot say what you should or should not be feeling. It is not okay and your pain will probably never go away, but that is where your strength of character is tested - by that from which you draw strength.
I offer you my shoulder - as a stranger - should you need it. Sometimes it helps. And I mean this with all my heart.
I think we all ask these questions at some point or another, and like the way you thought of them. I like the simplicity of your lines - it adds to the overall power of what it is you are communicating. I especially like the line "Tumbling around in my head" -I know I personally have hundreds of questions both simple and complex that tumble around MY head on a daily basis.
I thoroughly enjoyed your story!! To be honest, I was waiting for tragedy to strike as each new paragraph presented itself, but am delighted to find that your story is wholesome AND it has a happy ending. It seems you knew very well what you wanted to say, and said it with no qualms at all. It started well; you adapted it very well to a modern society; it had a conclusive ending. All in all, a very successful piece.
I very much liked your poetry. It has a celestial feel, which I am assuming you were going for. I particularly like your sentence: "Delve into the delths of this heavenly heart...". The alliteration makes it flow and adds strength to what you are trying to get across. I picture looking up at a beautiful sky and remember how many times I have done so and marveled at the glory that surrounds us.
You know I absolutely LOVED your use of words. I think you have created an excellent piece of writing, one which leaves me wanting more. I want to know about the blue and gold hair ribbon, the jealousy, hotel room and the crows in the hallway. Likewise, I want to know about the rolling hats, religion, argonauts, lions, battles and of course the journey home.
An inspired piece I am sure and a most successful one, ready to burst with all the secrets it holds.
Nadia,
I have to say that I enjoyed your piece quite thoroughly. It was as if I was standing right there watching this beautiful creature in all her glory.
I loved the words you used - they painted the picture quite marvellously indeed and added to the overall effectiveness of your piece.
I am at a loss for words because of the words you used! Ha, an oxymoron I think. I will confess that I had to look a number of words you used up in the dictionary, and when I found the meanings, I was astounded at the accuracy with which you used them. All of your beautiful words were within context and added to the overall power of your piece.
However, and I am certain this goes without saying, English does not seem to be your first language. For a non-native speaker (if that is the case) your writing is beautiful, with a few grammatical errors. These errors can sometimes serve to confuse a reader and urges one to interpret the point you were trying to get across rather than just read it. I was not confused though. I thoroughly enjoyed your piece - definitely food for thought. Makes me want to study Philosophy.
Thank you for your words...and best of luck to you...
A piece about rebellion it seems. A very powerful piece, and as sad and hopeless a feeling as it gives me, I enjoyed it. I like your wording - simple yet elegantly powerful. You got your point across and I am certain it can be interpreted in so many ways.
Good job!
Suze
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