This piece gave me a good laugh. A crazy mix up for certain, given the poor man's unfortunate name and the way the policeman and judge used it against him in court. The only issue is getting an attorney to take his case without laughing at the situation.
I loved this. It reminded me of my own corner window in the city I live in. You are not alone when it comes to people yearning for an easier, friendlier life. Sometimes, all it takes is to be the first to say hi.
So much for GiGi staying close. LOL! Well, Steph did talk her into exploring. Let us hope she follows or gets her parents so they can help in case GiGi finds trouble. Stay tuned for the next episode.
Simple, true and to the point. Children say it as they see it and they often see things we adults have grown up being told we are just imagining things. We learn to ignore what we saw as children and lose sight of it. However, if we learn to see through the eyes of a child we may catch a glimpse of what they see.
I thoroughly enjoyed this first chapter of your novel. The story flowed nicely and the detail was quite vivid, I could picture every scene. You are off to a great start.
The only advice I would give is to space out the lines so they are easier on the eyes of the casual reader.
I saw this in a Question of the Day prompt and decided to read it. This is hilariously brilliant! How easily people panic and jump to crazy conclusions! The ending threw me into a laughing fit, I did not expect dust bunnies and sock monsters to be the culprits! Well Done!
I read all of the short stories in your portfolio, this being the latest thus far. I find it interesting but it is lacking in a few ways you may wish to consider working into the story.
1. There is no description of the narrator, the one telling the story. This makes it hard for the reader to connect with her as the story progresses. Also, there is no descriptions of the monsters mentioned in the story. We learn the narrator's name at the end. You have a fairly good description of the sword, Iris however.
2. There is no detail in the fight that led to opening the first door or what the narrator is trying to achieve. This will leave the reader scratching his head, wondering what is going on.
3. Finally, there is length. You could have easily placed all of these into one static item as a single chapter. By placing them into such small pieces, you run out of space fast. Do not be afraid to make longer chapters.
Everything else is spot on. Spelling is perfect as well as grammar. I hope this helps you as you move forward with your story.
This is a short but very deep poem about love and a brief glimpse of its many truths. Indeed we do not need hate to feel love nor do we need anything for love to blossom; it just happens. To the casual observer, love is mysterious and complicated but to those who find love with each other, it is simple and clear as day though they cannot explain it. Love is nothing you learn, it is something you feel and those who find love truly find their eyes open in the darkness. Well Done.
This was a sad but well written story; one my mother can easily relate to in many ways. She lost her husband on April 8th 2013; it was a blow to all of us. Just a few short moths ago, my older brother went into emergency surgery for a tumor wrapped around his optic nerve. Fortunately, he survived but the thought that we could have lost him still haunts my mother. It haunts us all in a way. She often speaks of how she and dad would do many things together and how she misses having him near or having all the children home. No one can stop time or make time turn back. All we can do is hold our memories close to our hearts and keep moving forward.
I believe this short piece will touch many hearts and remind us all that we are not alone in our grief.
This poem touched my heart is too many ways to list in a single review. Change does indeed come like summer storm. Once it hits, you will see yourself in a different way for better or worse. The words of this poem ring true; change can shake your very soul as it did mine. I was never the same when my father's time came. It changed my whole world as it did for all those who knew and loved him. Thank you for sharing this poem. It is a fine reminder that we are not alone in an ever changing world.
This was an interesting and entertaining short story of a dying citizen launching a rather comical attack upon the man he blamed most if not all of his troubles on. The fact this attack was not aimed to end a life but to add humility to it I found rather refreshing. I can just imagine what the next morning's headlines would read let alone the Twitter comments from those who were watching at home.
This short piece speaks to a lot of people as they feel the same way when life comes at them hard. Everyone knows that they are expected to be strong, to be that shoulder to cry on when someone can not hold their tears. Only who will offer their shoulder in return? Many people ask this question, including myself. I lost my father on April 8th 2013; I felt I had to be strong for my family, to be the shoulder to cry on while I cried alone and tried to put on a brave face when near my relatives. I too needed that shoulder to cry on but felt I could not ask as I was the one others came to for that purpose. You are not alone.
This was a powerful short story. A young man an elderly man shuffle by and remembers the one talk he had with him about his life. Each generation does not know and some do not appreciate what the generation before had to deal with. By sharing one's story, they open the eyes of others and really makes them think about their lives. When I was a child, there was television but no personal computers, no iPhones, no internet. Children today can't imagine a world where those did not exist and I sometimes fail to see a world without television or even radio. We can learn a lot from our parents and grand parents if we just take the time to really listen.
I really loved this piece as my father too lead a rough life with much sorrow. He too was a fighter and a survivor.
This was a fine short poem. It gave the feeling of finding that one quiet place away from everything. I loved the first set of lines. I have a few humble suggestions for the second set.
1. In the first two lines, you may wish to try this:
Mained clouds and fluorescent stars blend into the water bold.
Light drips through the web of branches, seeping like melted gold.
2. The third and fourth line, I humbly suggest you make one line.
Again, this was a fine poem. I truly enjoyed it. I hope this review helps and encourages you to write more.
This was an interesting start to what promises to be an intriguing story of mystery and horror. I do have a few pieces of advice which may help you further grasp the reader's attention.
1. I suggest you be more vague with how Carter obtained the four girls in the prologue and allow flashbacks throughout the story tell the full tale of how they became his powerful little group. For example...
In the third paragraph, you spoke of how Carter obtained Alyssia. I humbly suggest that instead of going into detail, you merely state that he was forced to make Alyssia and her older sister orphans that night as their parents were less than cooperative.
2. Also, in the third paragraph, you may wish to give a reason why he spared Ayssia's elder sister who could be a key witness for the police to build a case against him. I suggest this: He spared the elder sister as she showed promise to be useful at a later time. He had someone else acquire her to be held until a time of his choosing: This would close any plot holes that would raise questions later.
3. In the fourth paragraph, you stated that Adria's parents practically threw her out with a suitcase of money. I humbly suggest you change that so he arrives just as she is being thrown out with the money and he offers to take her in. She accepts, sobbing at the fact her parents abandoned her.
4. In the eighth paragraph, you stated that Adria reacted the most negatively against the fusing of a demon's soul while Julia was easier with an angel's soul. You might wish to add, :In retrospect, it might have been more productive to have given Adria the angel's soul instead. Too late now...:
5. In the first to the last paragraph, you stated that Carter was blackmailing Alyssia's older sister since he murdered their parents. This will raise questions such as what does he have over her and why would she care as he killed her parents? I humbly suggest you state that he had been using the well being of Alyssia's elder sister as a tool to keep her loyal. For example: She does well, her older sister is treated well.
Overall, this was a fine prologue. I found no spelling or grammar mistakes and it flowed nicely. I hope my suggestions help make your story even more intriguing.
This was a very cute story of a bored little girl looking for something new and exciting to do. Although she had to create a situation where something went missing, she felt happy to have solved her first case. Her fee of one or more cookies was a nice touch. This short story has a lot of potential as the girl might find herself facing a real case of a missing object or pet where she has to do some real detective work. I found this to be a great story for young children as well as young teenagers who I believe would find the story reminiscent of their own childhood fantasies. I would love to see this story go further and, perhaps, become a children's series.
This introduction to your novel has me intrigued. It is truly difficult to move on from the loss of a loved one, especially a mother figure for a young woman. I am still struggling to move on after the loss of my father four years ago today. Many of those who are grieving a loss have a difficult time understanding that they are not the only ones hurting and grieving inside. This novel would truly pull at the heartstrings of those who know the sting of losing a loved one and the struggle of continuing on with their lives.
I saw this story on the WDC homepage with a request for direction ideas. This is a good start to a good story. Do not lose heart as many great novels start off slow; jumping right into the action is not always the best direction to take. I have a few pieces of advice you may find helpful...
1. have a space between lines of dialog and paragraphs of narrative. This makes the story easier to read. I learned from experience that most editors and publishers alike will not look at a manuscript with the lines all bunched together.
2. When Katie first introduced herself, she seemed shy and unwilling to be noticed. When Nate introduced himself to her in the second class, she opened up dramatically. This is a very sudden mood and character change that will leave the reader confused. It may serve your story better if you have Katie stay in character and slowly open up further down the line.
3. You mentioned a girl named Mckayla who Nate had dated in the past but went no further. A little more detail may give the reader a better picture.
4. When Katie introduced Nate to her friend from church, Thomas, he inquired who Nate was but said nothing else. Some more dialog here may serve the story well.
I hope this helps you find the direction you are looking for in this story.
This was a very good start to what promises to be a very suspenseful novel. It is also an interesting twist to a monster vs man story where man is actually the monster and the 'creature' is the victim/hero of the story. The narrative and dialog flow very nicely and the details give the reader a clear view of the action. In all, this was nicely written. Well Done!
The only mistake I have found was in the second short paragraph of the story. (He slid to a stopped) This should be 'He slid to a stop'
I found no other mistakes so, again, well done!
The only piece of advice I would give at this point is to take your time; do not rush the story. I made that mistake and I ended up having to rewrite the entire novel.
In closing, I truly believe this story has the potential to be great! I look forward to reading more!
This was a fine poem expressing ones need for companionship. In this poem, the need for a loved one is held back by a shy nature. Alcohol provides a false companionship to fill the void but only leads to light or little sleep. Others try to convince him he has nothing to fear, to strike out and find a nice girl. Only his shy nature and anxiety holds him back.
If this poem is about the author, I can assure you that there are many who can relate. Your poem will touch many hearts. Well Done1
This is an interesting story that reminds me a little of the Anime cartoon, Soul Eater where there are people who turn into weapons and people who use those weapons, called handlers. Only this story has a unique twist which I find interesting. There are living weapons called Gyros who seem to be terrorizing this world. You have a good start to what promises to be a great story.
The narrative and dialog was very smooth flowing and the characters carried a real feel to them. You are doing a wonderful job thus far.
My only advice at this point is to describe the characters; give the reader an idea of what they look like. With this, the reader can become more attached and relate to them better as they develop throughout the story.
We get a real feel for mystery, suspense, and drama in the second chapter of this intriguing story. An exotic dancer reveals how she works for her money. We learn of a second mysterious man named Drew who seems to have grown attached to the main character after only two meetings. Now, upon returning home from work in the wee hours of the morning, she is attacked by someone in the shadows! We get the impression that she is knocked out with a needle to the thigh. Who is her attacker? Is the mysterious man she met in chapter one or the mysterious Drew who she tried to date but decided to move on?
I am finding this story to be more interesting with each chapter! I look forward to see how this story unfolds!
This was an interesting beginning to what promises to be an intriguing novel. The paragraphs and dialog flow very nicely and the pace is just right to keep the reader's attention. The end of this chapter had a nice hook with a mysterious light descending down behind the mountain side. The mysterious stranger caught my eye as well. He suddenly appears with his car just when Jessica seems to be ready to scream and cry out her frustrations. I am curious to read more and see where this story goes.
I saw this on the main page of the Writing.com review requests and decided to have a look. The first sentence is very important as it needs to catch the reader's eye and attention. You did very well here.
Just a few pieces of advice. First, put a space between the narrative and lines of dialog; it makes it easier to read.
Second, and I do this all the time myself, try not to repeat yourself. You have the statement: "None of this would have happened if it wasn’t for her. If only I hadn’t given in to those blue marbled eyes" in this first part of the story twice. Try mixing it up a bit like this:
"If it were not for me falling for those blue marbled eyes of hers, we would not be in this mess."
Lastly, I believe you have what you need for a fine mystery/suspense novel! I look forward to reading more.
This was an interesting short story that left me feeling chilled. I love a good ghost story and this one was very well written for its length. It seems as if we have cellphone apps for everything these days, including those for finding and communicating with ghosts. The messages the young girl got, though seemingly harmless through the conversation held a darker meaning to me. 'HUNGRY' 'IMPORTANT' 'FOOD' lead me to think the ghosts were hungry. The three 'SIX' messages left me feeling numb as three sixes is the mark of the devil. The final message 'RUN' left me feeling I had to run from my own computer!
I fear if this girl did not have these apps, there would have been a much different and more tragic ending to this story. In all, I believe this would make a fine novel.
Well Done!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/scilock
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 8:05pm on Dec 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Spelling is perfect as well as grammar. I hope this helps you as you move forward with your story.