I don't know if you have gotten feedback from other screenwriters on this or not, but as a screenwriter, I would love to give you a full treatment on this. For now, I will touch on the major points.
Formatting:
There are a lot of formatting issues going on, and I would start by suggesting you get your hands on "The Screenwriter's Bible" to help you get your bearings. I would also suggest "Dr. Format Tells All" by the same author, Dave Trottier. These are both must haves for both the novice and professional screenwriters alike. Here are a couple of tips:
When introducing new characters, you need to put their name in ALL CAPPS. It is also the time to add a short description. For example:
DANIEL, 32, in jeans and leather jacket, leans against the bridge's railing and watches the river meander by.
When a character picks up a phone, it is definitely not necessary to use a parenthetical describing what we already know. Parenthetical should be used sparingly, if at all.
One of the most important things in screenwriting, especially when you are starting out, is to show, not tell, what is happening. Keep us out of the character's mind. Do not tell us what the character is thinking or feeling. We don't, as the viewer, know what is in the character's mind, so it is wasting real estate to put it in action lines.
Lastly, break up your dialogues with action. Long monologues can get boring to read when they are all in a single block. Nobody stands still while going on for ten lines. They pace, take off their glasses to clean them, wave the bottle of poison in their victim's face, etc. Make it more visual. When this comes across a reader's desk at a studio, if they see large blocks of dialogue or action, they may feel like the action is getting bogged down and get bored or frustrated. That usually sends your script to the reject pile. The more white space in your script, the better.
That is all I will say for now, but if you would like to get full notes and recommendations, I would be more than happy to help you out. You have a cool story here, and with good formatting and some adjustments to plot structure, you could have a cool flick on your hands!
I hope this helps!
BS |
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