Best line:
"I run endless fields of despair and anguish, searching for...."
Why I thought so:
conjures a great/powerful vision in the reader's mind
My understanding is that you wrote this to describe your painful experience of a current episode of depression. I think you accurately conveyed the pain and sense of deadness and anhedonia one can experience at those times.
I hope you are feeling better now (and that the positive mental state can last a while).
There is a lot of good information here. The reader learns a great deal about Schulz's early life, how he started the Peanuts strip and its overall influence and readers and the culture as a whole.
Some grammar suggestions--
"only child of devoted parents who never got further than the 3rd grade"--misplaced modifier--is it C. Schulz or his parents who only completed 3rd grade? (yes, I know we find out later in the essay).
"center has a large collection of personal memorabilia..."this is a very long sentence and could be either broken into at least 2 sentences, or modified by using a semi-colon.
"museum and research center..." plural subject should have plural form of verb--use "are open"
What I liked:
--this kind of story will resonate will almost anyone--I can't think of a kid who hasn't been bullied at some point and, for some people, it's a traumatic memory they carry with them well into adulthood.
--it follows the classic climax/resolution arc, which makes it a satisfying read.
What can be improved:
--how much regret do you feel right now about what you did? (I don't know how old you are). It might add some "oomph" to the piece for us to know your perspective today.
--needs a few tweaks of punctuation.
The premise is good/intriguing and the opening is strong. Unclear if there's an ongoing conflict with the mother and the battle about a home perm. is just one facet of it.
What would make it stronger:
a little more background
What works well:
snappy dialogue
good descriptions
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 6:09am on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.