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23 Public Reviews Given
118 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of The Real Action  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Very nice story here! I love the dimwitted cops getting their comeuppance. Should have taken it more seriously, and shown some professionalism, guys. Since you left a word count, I am curious whether this was a length-restricted piece, or if you just keep a word count. Either way, for it's length you do a good job setting up the scene, presenting the conflict, and resolving the story.

The first thing I think you should add are identifiers for the police officers. I personally don't like reading about a nondescript "them" unless it's a rioting group of fans or frenzied mob. Even Perez isn't given a name or identifed until the end. "Same genius" doesn't go far for keeping characters straight. Maybe give them nicknames like the fat cop, the tall guy, the old cop who is kind of trying to do things by the book, and so forth. It feels more like you're dealing with characters and not just blank words.

I'd also like to see a bit more motivation from the cops. The narrator isn't too bad, and I really enjoy his asides (might want to re-do the line "Was. this. guy. for. real. ?!?!" It looks like something one would see in an instant message). I really like how they go silent after the crack about the donuts, but I'm not sure if they are speechless because they feel insulted, or because donuts are just a serious matter to them.

I also think the reveal of the squad car exploding might have been done a little bit better. Show, don't tell is the mantra of writers, and you do far more telling in your climax. Perhaps if you had a line describing how the blue lights on top were still revolving, or that a door with the words "Protect and serve" landed not far from the narrator, you would get the identity of the car across in a much more dynamic and interesting way, and leave a vivid image in the mind of the readers. It's a great way to lead into that final, "I guess he opened the box."

Other little things: Your punctuation could be a little bit better. You have a lot of commas where they aren't needed, and some odd starts and stops to sentences, especially the last part. "They file out. Not before the make me sign a few documents," for example. If it was written, "They file out, but not before . . . " or "They file out. Not without making me sign a few documents, of course," then it sounds far more fluid and speech-like. As it is now, it's just choppy. I'd also get rid of how the car hung in the air "for, like, four seconds." A, it wouldn't hang that long, though you could say it FELT like it hung that long, and B, that kind of language kills that paragraph. That's supposed to be a fairly serious moment, with a lot of impact, taken literally, and loses it's impact and starts sounding like Uncle Joe is telling the story of his fishing trip again. Save the colloquial speech for the dialogue and the narrator's mental reactions.

I actually did enjoy this. I know I'm picking it to shreds (that's what I dooooo!), but I'm liberal in my constructive comments. You've got a solid story in a short span (I think you could make improvements without increasing the word count too much) with some excellent payoff. It's a very enjoyable read. I'm a little curious about who sent the box, but I don't think it's terribly important for this story. The focus is on the young man dealing with idiot cops who don't take the threat seriously, who is ultimately proven correct in his caution. Keep up the good work!
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Review of The Troll Wife  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What an absolutely superb fairy tale! True, it doesn't exactly follow the standard formula of hard work leading to great success (or maybe it does; it might be difficult to love a troll!), or of a wastrel learning the value of piety and diligent labor, but that reversal of the expected really makes this one fun. Who would have imagined laziness being a great virtue? I love it.

Okay, let's get the constructive stuff out of the way so I can go on gushing about this piece: there are a few places where I feel descriptions could be embellished, and where your word choice could be more direct. One thing I noticed was the part where Odora comes in, spots Will, and goes from smiling to frowning. First off, I think it would be good if you added a line to her description about how she was grinning as she entered the room; it also gives you a chance to describe her teeth (I'm sure they are pretty awful!). The way it reads now, she might be any number of emotions when she walks through that door: nervous, in disbelief, annoyed, etc. Mentioning a hideous grin puts the image in the reader's head, so when "her smile turned into a frown," we have time to really feel the disappointment. Also, I would use a phrase like "caught sight of the man," or "noticed the puny creature on the table," instead of "looked at Will." To say she "looked at" him doesn't have the same effect of revelation; I just looked at the bowl I have on my desk, but if I notice a butterfly perched on it, it's more of a shock.

I would also add a bit, just a bit, more emotion from Will. He doesn't seem all that frightened when the Moad comes into view. I think a nice, tense passage of him imagining what could be making all that racket, or him backing away as far as he can with his legs trapped and looking for something to throw when Moad bends down would really set the scene . . . and then make it funnier when Moad is friendly, and make it funnier still when he actually isn't friendly, just very polite. I'd also like to add that you should perhaps get rid of the "The day the trouble started" bit; after reading the whole story I just don't think it fits.

But back to the good things: I thought you gave the trolls a lot of excellent character. Sure, they devour humans with gusto, and aren't too pretty to look at or smell, but they are caring to their own kind, have their own belief system and etiquette, and in the case of Moad, can be very wily and clever. Odora herself is a very kind sort, and seeing how she and her parents are devoted to their families is very touching. I love hearing about the old couple, and how Odora was sad because Will was going to die and leave her all alone on Earth. It's very moving that she could grow to love her human husband so much, especially considering the conditions of the betrothal. Will is a pretty well-developed character: he's not a fool when dealing with the trolls, he does consider trying to work hard but is happy to be given a chance to neglect his farm and house with Odora's permission, and he does truly love her for who - and what - she is.

I like the start of this story very much; it gets the reader good and interested, as well as sets up what sort of person Will is. It's amusing, and gets one ready to be critical of Will, which makes it all the better when everything works out in his favor. I really love how this story pans out, too: when Odora said that she keeps her tail to remind her that she is a troll and not a human, I was expecting her to forget her troll-side and become mortal. After the bit with the Old couple, I was anticipating that Odora would do something to gain a soul (I've read a LOT of fairy tales in my time!). When it turned out to be WILL who changed, and that his careless ways were a virtue in troll society, it was just a delightful surprise. In the end, everyone is happy, true love reigns supreme, and no one gets eaten. This was awesome.
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Review of Sly  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Your word choices are a little er, off. To "gape" is to look at something with your mouth open in amazement or shock, and it just doesn't seem to fit with Sly looking at the piece of paper. The idea that the spears will "attack" intruders isn't a great choice either, since they can't really attack anything so much as ward it off. And "evaporated" is quite different from a mere disappearance, heh.

Your descriptions are pretty good, but I feel as though they are backwards in some areas. It would sound better to say that the gate springs from the fence, since it's a break in said fence. Try to show a little more. You "tell" quite a bit, but description would do you much better, especially in a fantasy setting such as this where things are expected to be different. And explain things! All of a sudden Sly has a decoy. Is it magic, or has he always had it and decided to use it? And the vault! "The vault Sly looked at for the first time had this feature and that feature." Shouldn't we be spending time being happy that he found the vault before giving an in-depth description?

As for the characters, especially Sly, it's always better to drop the person in the story and let them figure things out for themselves via clues in the text rather than to stop the story and say, "So a SLITHER is this height, this color, has this mentality . . ." If you want to explain what Sly is, it's probably better to take the Tolkein route and make the lengthy explanation at a point in the story where there's not a great deal happening. It seems less out of place that way. The same thing with Blight: who Blight is, is not important at this part of the story. It's good to hint that Blight will one to reckon with if Sly returns empty-handed, but we don't need details as to why just yet.

And there's continuity issues. Sly senses that the darkness isn't natural, but brushes aside the idea that wizards are involved. That makes so little sense in this context. If he pushed on regardless, that would work, but having an epiphany then shooting it down doesn't sound realistic to me.

The ending is too quick for my taste. I feel like the item is too important to be given such a shrugging off, as is the disppearance of the mobster. That should be drawn out a LOT. Maybe more chapters? Because this feels like part of a larger piece, not a piece unto its own.

It's a very interesting new creature you have here. The descriptions of his dread are fairly good, and the idea is very cool. The flow is pretty good for the most part, but transitions can be jumpy or happen to quickly. I'd say keep working on this one and find the voice of these characters. Oh, and zombie guards? Awesome. I know the rating is pretty low, but this can be a lot better than it is, so don't be discouraged. Keep writing!!
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Review of Second Chance  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A fantastic, engaging story. I found the story to be well-thought out. I like how there are multiple sub-conflicts going on alongside the primary plot. Overall, your descriptions of the actions of the characters were very realistic, though I think there were a few areas where your descriptions were a bit wordier than need be, but that's my opinion. Still, I was completely engrossed in the story; you did a fine job at keeping the explanations to a minimum until the end so the interest is not lost. Excellent read!
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