Here's my critique, but take it with a grain of salt. I think that this poem has a lot of potential but right now, I don't think that it's quite meeting that. I read it out loud a few times, and I cannot figure out the rhythm of the poem. It seems to be all over the place. Some creativity in the meter and in the expression is fine, but it should have something that binds it together.
My other issue with the poem is that some of the word choices seem to be a bit off, more as if you have something to say but are still trying to chisel out that perfect form from the words. For instance, you use beauty twice in the same stanza in side by side lines. It also ventures a little bit into the cliche. Young boy is struck by a girl's beauty and never falls out of love with her again, but all that we know of her is that she is beautiful and rejects him and that he is lovestruck and loyal. While these can make great elements for a poem, they need more to make them stand out either in the metaphors or the analysis.
I liked the implication of his being fooled by the illusion of her beauty, but that needs to be developed more if you want the reader to hone in on that. That is also bordering on the cliche, but you could probably do something more with that. Perhaps using more specific descriptions in the poem itself? Always a challenge in a poem, I know. It can be quite difficult to get it right, but if you could do that, I think you could still have a similar theme and purpose but just make the poem stand out and shine on its own.
The other challenging thing in poetry is determining when a word is specifically chosen. After all, poetry is not supposed to always be grammatically correct. But I did notice that you used the word "remaining" when talking about his courage, and I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps "remnant" might be a better choice.
Anyway, I think that in all you have a good start for a poem. It has the base emotions that you want and the outline of a tragedy. What I think it needs is that extra dash of you and uniqueness to make it stand out and get the attention it deserves. Have a great day.
Great acrostic poem. The second portion, particularly in the last two sentences, feel more off rhythm and out of sync. The initial two sections have a particular grace and flow which the final portion does not.
Wow! That wasn't what I was expecting. I love the irony in this piece. The humor really gets me but in a good way.
It almost seems though like the best point of view for this would be Woody. I'm curious to see what he thinks about all this. And you do snap to him for an instant, but I think it would work better consistently.
Great work! I hope you have fun working with these characters. God bless you and keep on writing.
Another beautiful poem, although I will admit that it wasn't what I was expecting.
You tie in nature in an unusual way, which I like in this poem. I wasn't expecting it. But I think my favorite line is the silver birch tree. I think that's what I would title it, since Favorite doesn't seem to quite capture it. Of course, though, that's up to you.
Ah! There are days when I feel as fragile as a butterfly's wings. You make very good use of metaphors here. I can certainly relate. And one thing that you definitely have going for you in this poem is that other people on this site will understand the fear and nervousness. Thanks for sharing. It's good to know that as writers we aren't alone. God bless you!
Definitely a different spin on being a door to door salesman. I've thought about it myself since a friend of mine is. It really makes the whole thing different when you consider that it's a real person who is doing it.
The only suggestions I have are for consistent punctuation. For instance, you need a comma after son.
Other than that, it's good. Thanks for the read. God bless you and keep on writing!
When I get married, I'd love to dance on the moon too. You capture the romance so well. And I love how realistic and unrealistic the story is at the same time and the way you incorporate wedding vows into this as well. Very nice.
Thanks so much for this beautiful testimony to your beautiful romance. God bless you and keep on writing!
So sad. Communication is so vital and you capture that in a sad way in this poem. Well done. I think perhaps the best line is the last line. One thought though: should those words be in quotes?
Again the rhyme and rhythm work here.
Thanks for the read. God bless you and keep on writing
Yes, very patriotic! It's too bad that there isn't a visible white font. But I think you did it well. I love how you don't just use words in this case to tell how the patriotism is. You show it in the colors.
But also you show a different side of the patriotism. How hard it must be for the veterans. My grandfather was a veteran as well. And it was hard.
Thank you for this reminder. I hope that people will remember to honor and thank them. Good job.
Death is so hard to bear. Especially when it comes in such a surprise. Thank you for taking the time to write this poem for the Swedish families who lost their loved ones. If they could read it, I know they would appreciate it. Though I did not lose any of my family in the tsunami, I am touched by the way you wrote this.
I can't imagine going through that. But you write it all and keep it from sounding sad. It almost has a note of thankfulness to it.
Your word pictures are, as always, incredible. But I think that this is another one of those poems that would be well done in free verse and without worrying about continual rhyme. I would be interested in seeing how it turned out if you did it that way.
Thanks for letting me read. God bless you and have fun writing!
Is this another song? It works well as one. I like the way you make the rhythm and words flow. Your word pictures are good as well. And once again, you capture the emotions without making it seem self-indulgent. Very well done! Thanks for the read. God bless you and keep on writing!
Oooh, I wasn't sure where this story was going. The time change took me by surprise. At least, I assume that that was a time change. I don't know.
Very well done. You introduce the back story easily and without dragging it down. My only real complaint is that this it seems too long and takes awhile in getting to the real source of the action. I would suggest cutting it down a bit or maybe starting it in the bar if you can. I don't know. That's up to you.
You've also got some minor punctuation issues, like when she's talking to her mother, you need a comma before mother. Just simple things like that.
Other than that, great job! Thanks so much for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
You definitely are good at poetry. But I'm glad that you're taking a risk and writing prose too. And just so you know, you're not bitterly bad.
I only have a few suggestions. The main one is just simple punctuation issues that I'm sure you'll catch on your next read through. For instance, like womens rather than women's college.
The other one is that to make this essay even stronger, you might try varying your sentence structure and start sentences with words other than I. What you have is good but that will make it even better.
Thanks so much for letting me read this. I enjoyed it. And it's great to see you taking those steps, even though they're scary. God bless you and keep on writing!
Oooh, a sci fi novel! It's been so long since I've read one of these. I'll do the best I can to help with this.
All right, overall, I think you've got a good beginning. I really like Orion. And that is my first suggestion. There seems to be a lot of telling and the section in the middle with the history of the Alliance doesn't quite seem necessary. I know that it's hard, but I would really suggest that you take that out and find other less obtrusive ways to bring it in. You've got so many incredibly interesting things to say that there's no reason for you to bog your story down at this point with a back history.
Also the dream sequence. It seems too distance. I know that you want it to be distant, but for the purposes of making the reader more connected with Orion, why not dig a lot deeper? Get into the actual heart and soul of what he's feeling. Part of what took me out, for instance was the 'still not properly awake'.
At the same time, I also wasn't quite sure what bearing it had on the story. I know that it will later. But if it doesn't have any effect, then don't start there. Start some place else. Publishers, at least from what I've been told, tend to be leery of books that start with dream sequences. And this has such a promising start aside from a few things that I wouldn't want them to take it out because of that.
To attract reviewers, one other suggestion I have is to put a space between each paragraph so that they aren't intimidated by the long paragraphs.
One final thing that I noticed was that Orion doesn't seem quite as connectable the next time we join his character. He seems rather distant and I'm not quite sure what he's thinking or what he's feeling. Is that the effect you're hoping for?
Again, I think that you do the best job with Orion. Particularly in showing him checking over all the systems better than he has to.
Thanks so much for letting me read this. I would be interested in helping review the rest of your book but let me know if this sort of review is helpful to you or if you want more in depth or perhaps a line by line?
This has some very powerful images in it. But I think you lose some of the potential potency with the long lines and end rhyme.
I think that this would be another better one that just focuses on the rhythm. And also if you just break them up for the natural breaths, even hard gasping breaths, that might be an interesting touch.
As far as the subject and emotions you create, as always, very good. Thanks for the read. God bless you and keep on writing!
Double speak really is so painful. Your descriptions, like the two faces, forked tongues, and eyes that don't find the smile are very good. I think that anyone who has been betrayed could relate to this feeling. Nice job!
I don't have any suggestions for this poem. It has a good tone to it. Sad but not self-centered.
Good work. Thanks so much for letting me read. God bless you and keep on writing!
This really sums up the writing and reviewing experience. And that is being Open and True. Excellent work. You don't come across as too emotional. The words create the image of just a calmness that, while dependent, is not needy. That can be a hard voice to create. Thanks so much for sharing this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Okay, so I'll admit that I am a big C.S. Lewis fan! But even if I wasn't, I'd still say this was a good poem.
Your rhythm and word choice are very good here. But I think the best part is the quote from The Last Battle. It really makes it pop and brings all your other lines into an even sharper view.
Great work! Thanks so much for sharing. God bless you and keep on writing.
At first, I didn't realize that this was about Frodo or one of the hobbits. I thought it was just something that an individual not connected with the story was writing about. But then when I got to the third line, I realized it was one of the hobbits and then the line about the holes made sense. :) Very good!
The poem works well for me. Creates strong images. The only thing that stood out to me was the fifth line with 'to Rivendell we grope'. It didn't quite work for me, considering the tone you use throughout.
Great job! Thanks so much for sharing this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Great job! Yes, writing about crushes and love in poetry is a beautiful thing.
I like the way you take a 'cliche' and all those pieces and yet keep it from seeming stale. This is just great. I really think you should see about submitting it to a card company.
Your rhythm seems pretty good. And, in this case, I think the end rhyme works really well and emphasizes the underlying tone of the speaker.
Only suggestion would be to use punctuation within the lines, like after Lady, and all that.
Ah, I sympathize with your frustration! I have a friend who hated poetry and yet wrote books of it, lol. Isn't it a ridiculous irony?
I love it that you have decided to commemorate this in a poem though. It just really emphasizes the whole paradox.
For suggestions though, I think that in this case, the use of end rhyme is messing up your rhythm. If the rhythm could be righted so that it flows, I don't think the end rhyme would be a problem. One alternative though would be to use assonical or inner rhyme and go free verse, unless there is a specific form you want to use.
You'll also want to go back through and pick up the places where you need punctuation. Unless you decide you want a piece with no punctuation. That's entirely up to you.
Anyway, it looks good. I hope that you have a great day. God bless you and keep on writing!
I guess that in all honesty, I'm just a sucker for love poems. Ah...well, this certainly didn't disappoint. I like how you combined writing and love together. I certainly feel as if they do work, lol.
For suggestions, the main one I have is that the rhythm seems off throughout the poem. The lines that have more words than the others in particular. You might try inner rhyme or assonical rhyme in this piece so that the rhyme isn't the focus.
I don't know if you want to try that or not. But anyway, great job with the poem. Thanks for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Jessica
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