Hi there! Going to start by saying that in no way or manner am I trying to be too critical or rude.
I like it overall, it is nice and to the point, a very colorful description of ADHD.
Although there are some errors here and there which I am unsure about.
"It not a one off time or constant its" This line should be revised and rewritten, the wording is confusing and jars the flow of the poem.
"No control, rushing flowing water" This is a repeat of the line above it. Perhaps you could write something along the lines of "No control, spiraling down the hole". Something that isn't an allusion to water.
The last line has a typo. Instead of "On" you have "Ou".
Aside from these little things, I do very well like the poem. Fitting to the ADHD mind.
A very good story overall. I enjoyed the atmosphere of it. The sense of realism portrayed as the story continues to unfold. I also like the touch of how the reader is left unsure of whether this is his mind tormenting him with guilt over what he did or if it's the actual ghost of his daughter.
However, there is room for improvement. When you bring in the guards, they seem polite and almost sympathetic. I'm unsure if this is how real prison guards act, seeing as most who work with criminals know about the reasons why they are there. Following this logic, I think it highly unlikely that the guards would be so nice to Lomas and on the contrary would despise someone capable of killing his wife and daughter in what seems like cold blood.
The other issue which is both a boon and a detrimental flaw is not unveiling the reason as to why he did it. Why he killed his daughter and wife.
My advice would be to review and edit the tense of the story seeing as how you have "stood" in several places when it should be "standing".
All in all, I enjoyed the story. It needs some fine tuning and a bit more torment to get the reader to really feel the desperation, regret and fear that Lomas is feeling.
I especially like the ending, seeing as how you leave it as a hanger, but it still gives the desired ending.
I-I... Have no idea what to make of this story. At first I believed it to be of a character meditating in a room and then passing away. Perhaps a suicide in a bath or an untimely passing due to unforeseeable circumstances.
But just as the story continued to progress and the truth was revealed, I did not know what to feel. I felt like I was drawn in unwillingly to something that held promise only to be turned around and slapped on the back with a kick me sign.
The story by the definition of its genre holds what it promises, a comedic revelation towards the end of the story. It could have been a bit more well delivered, perhaps adding a funny struggle before the dozing slumber overtook the character; fighting off constipation and sleep.
Change "adrift " to "to drift" for a better flow.
add an on between down and my.==>that pushed down my lids
Aside from that, I still don't know what to make of this story. It wasn't bad, that's for sure. It did its job and holds true to its genre. Keep on writing!
Seems to me that the poem is about someone who avoids the light and warmth that summer brings. Who also avoids the rebirth and sense of purity that comes with spring. It's a nice piece, though I would love to see it lengthened. To see it go more in depth towards why the person finds solace and comfort within decay and solitude. To have it appeal and make the reader sympathize with the reasons of the poet.
It's a very interesting piece that I would love to see go more in depth. Nice work, keep on writing.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sirtoki
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 9:39pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "