This simple little poem expresses so much. I appreciate its straightforward brevity. It's profound, really, in the way that it contrasts -- both humanizes: "Boxed up little memories." and dehumanizes: "...lives randomly filed and numbered" -- life.
You make a strong impression by referring to apartments as "compartments" and "Cabinets" -- such clinical terms for people's homes. The dwellers may go, yet there is no denying that life within those walls existed and was meaningful.
This line makes the poem seems all the more tragic:
"only inches apart."
It seems to imply that the outside eye, no matter how close to its subject, can be distant and compartmentalizing.
I know that poetry is very subjective and personal, so the comments above tell what I take from your piece. I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.
I read this poem a couple of nights ago, having no intention to review. However, I was drawn back to it, so here I go!
No doubt, it's tragic. My impression of it is that in the speaker there seems to be some void that he longs to fill ... and until he figures out what he REALLY needs, nothing else can soothe his soul. I think these lines sort of sum up the message of your entire piece:
I’ll grasp for the wind
But, my cupped hands-
There’s nothing inside
At every turn, he keeps grasping for the wind, that elusive "something" that he hasn't yet found, so much so that he can't live a secure and satisfying life.
I like the way you repeated the first two lines in each stanza. It reinforces the hopelessness of the speaker.
Well, that's my two-cents worth. I think your poem is haunting and beautiful.
At first I really liked this poem because many of us have "been there", if you will. However, the more I read it over, the more it depressed me.
It's as though the writer is offering a picture of people who have been together for a long time, who have become stagnant in their existence with one another. The fact that NOTHING has changed could be taken as a sign of lack of growth or renewal, although the poem does say "... I still love you". I'll bet a lot of people are living this very poem! I just can't decide if its message is a positive or a negative one.
Having said that, I think I like the poem's ambiguity. It leaves the reader to decide, based on his or her own sink full of dishes, what to make of the words of the poet.
What a nice poem you have here with its crisp sensory images!
Here are a few of my favorite lines:
"The hollow footsteps on the dock"
"I cracked the wooden window up
and brought the morning in for tea"
"A weakened tide leaves salty tracks"
Here's a distraction that you might want to consider. Your title is written in present tense, but your poem begins in past tense. Then in the fourth stanza you switch to present tense. I reread the poem, substituting present tense verbs throughout, and it sounds great like that. For instance, "I crack the wooden window up/and bring the morning in for tea".
That's the only thing I'd change. It's a beautiful poem.
This is interesting. I like the way the lines are increasingly long and then begin to shorten. It's as though you've shown the building action, the crescendo, and then the close.
But more importantly, the topic is interesting. The speaker is confronting someone's corruptness and hypocrisy, uncovering the culprit's tricks.
I especially like the ending because it reveals that all the power of the evil one is due only to the people who are drawn to him/her. That explains why this person must work so hard to be charming and deceptive.
Here's a place you might want to consider revising:
"You speak of evil
Things but only good comes out of
Your mouth,"
In the context of the whole piece, it makes sense, but when I read it the first time, it confused me. I think it could be rewritten with more clarity.
You need a change in this line:
"The way you’re twisted and convoluted mind
Works."
I think you chose an interesting topic to write about! I especially like the title of your poem, and I think, with some revising and editing, that you can have quite a nice piece.
Here are a couple of lines that I think you effectively used to describe the wolf's movements:
Moving swiftly through the snow
Slipping quietly into the night
Here are some things you may want to consider, too. Of course, these are my own impressions, offered to assist you if you choose to do any editing/revising.
Since your poem is rather brief, it's noticeable that several words and phrases are used repeatedly in the stanzas - 'silent(ly)', 'shadow', 'swiftly', and 'slipping'. That may have been intentional, but I think the poem would be more powerful if you changed the wording in some lines. You might want to add more description of the wolf itself or give more details about the intent of its prowling; the content of the three stanzas seems somewhat redundant.
Also, in the 4th line, make that 'yourself'.
Again, I like your topic. Wolves are beautiful and mysterious and worthy poetry subject-matter!
I found your poem on the Review Page, and I read what you wrote about how it struck others. I wanted to give you my impressions, in hopes that it might help you reach your goal in its editing.
The sentiment of the poem is lovely and touching and heart-breaking, for sure. Since you chose to write about this subject, it makes me wonder if you work with children with cancer.
I like the way the poem began, having the "Mommy ..." line following the first. However, continuing that form all the way through does make it sound rather choppy.
I was thinking that you might try changing the format after the second or third couplet -- maybe tell the story with another verse form or in longer verses. Then, if you wish, you could fall back into using couplets at the end. I think that that might make it sound more flowing. Do you see what I mean?
These are just my suggestions. I know that poetry is very subjective, and I'm sure you have a vision of what you want your piece, at last, to be. I hope my comments can help you.
This is clever. I like the way you write. The topic is unusual, to say the least! I don't think I've read a poem about a scavenger before ... at least, not a non-HUMAN one. lol
Nice, easy rhyming scheme.
It's short, but you told the story and added a funny touch at the end.
Thanks for a poem that elicits a smile.
As Keats wrote, "O Poesy! for thee I hold my pen ..."
This poem is downright pretty. The description of the pine forest gives one a sense of peace and calm.
I like the part at the end that implies impending upheaval in the speaker's life, but that this place - in the pines - provides a haven from all that, a place to rest and breathe.
I'm not a big crank about punctuation in poetry. In fact, the use or absence of the use of punctuation can have dramatic effects on a poet's message. However, this poem seems to be following traditional punctuation rules. I would probably put a comma at the end of these lines:
A place where I can find escape
and I've seen the warning signs
I'd probably also put a comma after the word 'time' in this line:
but time for me, will stand quite still
However you punctuate the poem, it's quite nice! Thanks for sharing your work.
As Keats wrote, "O Poesy! for thee I hold my pen ..."
I like the title of your poem and that your poem ends with that line. It's powerful.
This poem boldly expresses a feeling of self-loathing. It also suggests a powerlessness over the darkness inside .
Here's an example of some strong imagery:
"A dark and endless pit
That's wrapped in flesh and hair."
You know, poetry is so very subjective that it's difficult to suggest improvements, mainly because the reader and the writer may have completely different ideas about the piece. Having said that, I think a change in the look of the poem might add a dimension. I suppose I feel that way because the lines are short and brisk. I'm thinking of indentions or stanzas. See what I mean?
Thanks for sharing your work.
As Keats wrote, "O Poesy! for thee I hold my pen..."
Well, I appreciate your attempt at analyzing the subject. I guess it's hard to do that if you haven't yet experienced it, though.
I guess the main thing that bothered me about this poem is its incongruous nature. First you said that death is "The time of white light," and then you went on to say that death is "When you can't see the light." So, which is it??
You also wrote
"A time very bad for the soul
The time when pain builds up"
and you went on to say
"The soul is at rest
The body may now be at peace"
These things seem at odds with each other, but then, maybe you meant that to be the message. In any case, the poem seemed to be confusing to me. I kept wondering, "Just what DOES the poet think death is about?"
At any rate, I think you have an interesting subject, and I think that you should continue to pursue it!
Thank you for sharing your poetry.
As Keats wrote, "O Poesy! for thee I hold my pen..."
I like this poem. The thought of this happening to someone just makes me cringe, but I'm sure that it must.
I think the style in which you wrote it - short, direct sentences - is very effective. It gives me the definite impression that the speaker doesn't want to waste much of his/her precious time on the visitor.
I guess the only thing I would suggest is that you make it longer. Now, I've had other people suggest that to me about my poetry, but sometimes it's just FINISHED; that I understand. lol However, the reason I suggest adding to it is that I liked it so much, I wanted MORE! :) Now that I think of it, you could write another installment - or maybe a trilogy, so that you tell more of the story in poem. I'd like to see the outcast have his/her day!
Grammatically, here's what I'd change: In the line where you used the possessive pronoun, "their", I'd make it a singular pronoun.
"One of us is gone.
You can fill in their space"
Also, "your" instead of "you're" in this line:
"You're vote is never counted."
Again, you have an interesting poem here. Thanks for sharing it!
As Keats wrote, "O Poesy, for thee I hold my pen..."
There is something likeable about this poem. Maybe it's because it serves as a reminder that we all have things in our past that make us shake our heads.
Your poem began strongly, I thought, with the first two stanzas. However, when I began reading the third it felt like your style of your wording was beginning to change as well as the verb tense. It felt to me as though there was a gap between the first and last parts of your work. Do you know what I mean? Maybe there should have been some sort of transition between the description of the bar and the introduction of the ugly men.
Overall, I liked the story that your poem told. I think that, with revision, this poem could be quite interesting.
Thank you for sharing your work.
As Keats wrote, "O Poesy! for thee I hold my pen..."
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/solace_bring
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 5:42am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
