*Disclaimer: Items can be percieved differently by different readers and I present the revew of my own perception, in a way*
Hi,
The best thing I like about this piece is that it is very open ended. There are many different dimensions it could fit into.
One useul thing I find while reviewing is to read out the piece aloud. Yours does play better that way.
Your piece reminds me of heartbreak, lies, and deceit. Some words are very strong and you might consider toning them down a bit. If I have to pick a line, it is line 1 para 2. Somehow, it comes out as a very vicious intention in this otherwise fine rendering.
Dont take all what I say. As I said earlier, I may have misinterpreted it.
Well certainly out of the box! I never thought of my cube of having any feelings for me! Ceratinly you have used ryhme well and the peom sounds easy going and a bit humorous. I dont now if you actually intended it to be humorous but there it is! Well good luck and keep writing!
Your writeup comes as a very forceful, blatant, and emotional account of one of the faces of realities that we face. But as there are multiple sides of the coin, so does reality. Although you are right in your assertion by comparing the job of say an life insurance assesor, or a military general, or a heartless politician contemplating strikes and civil casualities with the apathy of the sufferers, your writeup can do much much more. You can provide arguments citing practical examples and there are many cases where the cause of the sufferer was upheld. See all sides of the coin will increase the credibility of your argument and it wont be taken just as an emotional outburst. It is a fact that we also live amongst the same people that you describe. So make them hear, you need to balance the scales. Good luck and keep writing!
regards,
Nitin K.
well, I liked what emotion you have tried to convey here. And the purity of that emotion is very obvious from the words used at various levels to provide depth and meaning. But there is something you can work upon to make this piece more beautiful. My thought is if you compare her/his fragrance and aura with nature on different parameters of personality/body/actions, your piece will touch a new height. But some reviewer once told on my piece that it seeme a tree had written it :), so dont take whatever i say as granted. I hope you give it a try and see where it goes.
Keep writing and keep smiling!
regards,
Nitin K
Your piece is alluring and conveys a sense of shattered dreams. Overall I like that. You could have done with explaining your emotions a few lines more. See we write what we feel. And you have to feel (in your case what you have felt before writing this poem) the emotion and hold it for long enough for it to get shaped into words. Sometimes the feelings are painful and we are caught between expressing and forgetting them. I am mostly wrong, but still mu hunch is that you too are caught in tis struggle. The thing is creativity is painful and often is a reflection of artists inner soul. Your poem is beautiful, and if you hold on to the feeling a little longer, us readers might be able to get a glimpse of that radiance of emotions inside of you.
Regards,
Nitin K.
well i am not an author of any kind, but there are few things I want to point out. Your piece comes out as a very well balanced story at the beginning and hints to be one full of emotional turmoils. But in the end, it may turn out to be a supernatural, extraterrestrial or some other kind of above ordinary journey. But i sincerely hope that as you give shape to this story, keeping it on ground, and feeding it with some the beautiful emotions I think you can muster will lend a beautiful piece. Dont just end up with stunning imagery and unexpected occurances! Good luck!
Well I am a hindu, and not a non-believer. But I like the idea of pausing and thinking about god everyday. But sometimes I seriously believe that god was invented by humans as an insurance policy. God is nothing but our own inner strenght. When you remember god, you actually are calling your body and soul to keep fighting. When sometimes we become weak and go to a church, mosque or temple to pray, there's always a twinge in our hearts. I think its a good thing that because to face something tough, the twinge has to go.
overall, I am as confused about my own identity as anybody, and dont want to dwell on gods existence.
well it is sort of a pointless and mary-go-round kind of a question - what makes you happy. You can look at it from many phsycological perspective. But what I feel is the strongest is the transient nature of happiness and ones state of mind. See human life is very much evolving and with discovery of emotions and harmones pumping in, your definition of happiness changes. Sometimes happiness has a more shallow and materialistic ring to it, and sometimes its in a realm of religion, or soul. But a man who truly wants to be happy should not be asking this question. Instead of taking and choosing things to command happiness, you would be better off searching for little and pointless things to make yourself happy. Happyness is not an end to a process, instead its the process you need to learn to enjoy. And believe me, these things would make a lot of other people happy too, i mean the people who love you for instance. Because when you search for happiness in small things, you dont need a wallet, or credit card, all you need is to look at people around you.
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