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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/southsidehcky
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Review of The 14th Day  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey There, and Thanks for using the forum!

I will be reviewing

 The 14th Day Open in new Window. (13+)
Valentine's Day and the only one who knows it is the man who's made it his greatest enemy.
#1218162 by Tom Ethan Piham Author IconMail Icon



First Impressions

First, I must say that I am very sorry for the delay. I have been extremely busy, and this is the first chance I have had on WDC for a few days now.

The work itself is quite good; I'm sorry that you recieved a 3 star rating for it. You create a sorrowful mood from the beginning, and I think that you do a great job of continuing it to the end. Great Work!

Also, the paper seems to flow with incredible ease. You paint a wonderful picture here of this man's sorrow, his past, and what has happened to him on Valentine's Day. From the get go the reader is intruiged, and you never let them out.


Punctuation/Grammar Suggestions

Hmmm nothing really here. I didn't catch anything at least *Bigsmile*


General Suggestions

I would have to suggest that you include more about Arthur's present situation. You do a great job describing his past, but where did you say that he was included in this so called resistance? What is the war about? Why? Why was his family killed? If you include these things, it will help a ton in terms of fulfilling the reader's wishes towards this story.


Overall Impressions


Great Work, and thanks for letting me read it!




Thanks for sharing, Keep it up! *Bigsmile*



Southsidehcky
2
2
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey There, and Thanks for using the forum!

I will be reviewing

 The Guardians of Destiny: Chapter 1 Open in new Window. (13+)
Gabriel Simon leaves his quiet town and heads to Shadow Academy.
#1215958 by theguardianofdestiny Author IconMail Icon



First Impressions

It's fantatsy! I love fantasy, and I thought you did a nice job with this. The opening paragraph was great, and it not only set the scene, but made the reader want more.

You combine action with adventure in a great way, and it serves well to keep the reader entertained. There were really only a few places where I got tripped up, but that goes later *Smile*

Punctuation/Grammar Suggestions

1. "I'll miss you, too, mom." Gabriel hugged his mom

-Should be a comma after "mom" not a period

2. "I'm sure I will."

-Again, no period here

That's really all I saw though.



General Suggestions

Here's a few general suggestions I have for points in the work that aren't as good as they could be. Remember, its only my opinion and you get to make the final decisions!


1. "The fog over the river was beginning to dissipate as the sun's rays began to reach over the distant peak of Mt. Star."

-You use "over" repeatedly in this sentence. It's the first one, so that needs to be changed. Try something like

"The fog that hugged the river's surface was beginning to dissipate, as the sun's rays began to reach over (even that could be changed to something like "breach") the distant peak of Mt. Star."

2. "Yeah, Roy, right down here."

-I don't think you need "right" in this instance. It really doesn't add anything, and the reader would get the same message with a little easier pacing if it was left out.

3. "Nice workout, Gabe. I'll see you later at the ferry."

-Isn't Roy mad? Why would he say something like that then? You could simply take out "nice workout, gabe" and then it would align the dialogue with Roy's emotions.

4. " The messenger lowered his hood and revealed his hair, which was totally white."

-I don't think you need "totally" here, and the sentence could be rearranged to sound better. Somthing like

"The messanger lowered his hood to reaveal long, pure white hair that (insert description of face here *Bigsmile* ex: "matched his angled facial features and fair skin, making his deep blue eyes stand out like sapphires.)


5. In the second time we are with Gabe, he is boarding ship, but you never talk about it until he is actually on the ship. Intoduce the setting more, like first time, only incorporate it into the work! I would love to have more detail here about the setting. Just don't say it all at once!

Perhaps, "ok mom, I will" said Gabriel, brushing his hair from his eyes as the salty sea wind pushed it right back.

You know, its not great, but something like that with little details along the way to describe the setting at the docks. Are they docks?

6. "For much of the trip the sea was calm and allowed for a smooth trip."

-"trip" is repetitive here. Maybe say "ride" or "journey" for one or both of them?

7. "The ship seemed to have been working fine, so no one knew why it had stopped in the middle of the river."

-Too blantant. It just sounds forced. Allow things to happen slowly, and then SHOW them to the reader. If you really want it to happen this fast, try something like

"Gabriel leaned over the railing, allowing himself to feel motionless for a split second. Then a grinding sound resounded through the ship, and it lurched to a stop, right in the middle of the river. The ship had been working fine though!"

Or something like that *Bigsmile*

8. "He threw a punch and it did about ten times the damage any normal blow would do."

-Threw a punch "that" did about ten times more damage....




Overall Impressions


Whew, that was an action packed intro! You did a great job developing characters and moving the story through them. You are a good writer, and with some edits this could be very good.




Thanks for sharing, Keep it up! *Bigsmile*



Southsidehcky
3
3
Review of Mortal Hands  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey There!

I found this looking for some feedback on the Shamless Plug Page.


This poem is about an interesting topic that I haven't read much, and to be honest it was quite good. You captivate your reader with a good pace to the piece and keep them inside with description and good diction. A constant rhyming scheme never hurts either *Smile*


There are a few places where I feel can be improved...feel free to reject these as they are only my opinion!

1. The first line of the poem is, well, off. A torrent wouldn't be gentle *Bigsmile*

2. The next line I think you can take out "more" altogether when talking about peeling back the clouds, but you can go ahead and leave it if you wish because it wasn't that big of a deal.

Well, I guess that's really it! This was a great read, thanks for sharing with us!



Write On!


Southsidehcky
4
4
Review of Combat Verse  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey There!

I found this looking for feedback on the Shameless Plug Page.

Though you may be new here, writing obviously isn't to you. Easily shown here, as a great poem that with a little polishing off can be awesome!

You present a pretty good idea here, and describe it very originally: as if he were writing! That was what struck me first, and I imagine that was the intent. Bravo!

The flow of the poem is good, and, along with the mood you have set, the poem rides on as though on its own. When the reader can fly through it you've done a good job!

There are a few things I have to suggest though, and these are only my opinion. Feel free to take what you wish, maybe none at all!

1. I think you should add a comma after "Then" in the first line of the third stanza. Just a little punctuation error, no big deal.


2. You said...

"The pen strokes words as if they dance"

Maybe "strikes" would be more appropriate here?



Well, that's all I've got! If you have any questions about the site shoot me an email, or if you have any about this review for that matter!


Write On!


Southsidehcky
5
5
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey There!

I found this looking for feedback on the Shameless Plug Page.


First of all, I have to say that I am sorry for your loss. Its horrible that you had to lose your father, but I am glad to hear that you are coming to terms with the grief.

The story on the whole though, is very good. It's a simple look at life's pleasures and desires, as well as how little events can impact you for a lifetime. Good Work!

You draw in the reader pretty well, and the mood changes at the appropriate time: when you start telling the story. I do have one suggestion though, and its a simple one.

I would say that you do not need to switch to present tense to tell this story. The entire time you seem like you are reflecting in the past tense before it, but why do you need to change it? You can get the same message across, if anything it might have more power to it, if it was is past tense.

This is easily fixed though, and feel free to reject it if you wish *Bigsmile*


Thanks for sharing with us, and Write On!!!


Southsidehcky
6
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Review of A Nuance of Need  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey There!

I found this looking for some feedback on the Plug Page.


I must say, this is very, very descriptive: which is a good thing! You paint an excellent picture of the setting in the reader's mind, which helps to draw them into the poem and overall help to keep them involved with the story. It makes everything so much easier if you can visualize it!

You did very good in the grammar department as well, and I really couldn't find any mistakes. One thing I do suggest though, and this is just my opinion, but I think you should only capitalize the lines that start a new sentence. You may have heard otherwise, and feel free to not accept this, its just what I think *Smile*


On the whole though this was a great read. Thanks for sharing with us here at WDC.


Southsidehcky
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Review of Ahhhh....  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey There!

I liked this, and I'm glad I found it! Its a good, simple look at what you like and it comes off well to the reader. From a technical standpoint, you have a good established flow and a light mood that suits the poem. From an entertainment standpoint you did a great job pulling in the reader and never letting go. Good Work!! Definetly worthy of these five stars.


Write On!


Southsidehcky
8
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Review of Shouting Silence  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey There!



What I liked: *Heart*

The description stands out at the reader from the beginning; you use vivid images and feelings to describe the situation, and it effectively draws the reader in. You have a great ability to describe and let your words flow! There was also a nice fluency to this poem, and it helped the poem move along well beside the description.

Suggestions: *Idea*

Hmmm, well I don't really see too much to fix here...you did a great job describing life's hardships and successes.

Overall impressions

Good work, this was a nice little read.


Thanks for sharing, Keep it up! *Bigsmile*


Southsidehcky
9
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Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey There!



What I liked: *Heart*

This was VERY well written. You spent a lot of time on this didn't you? Well, I think it has paid off. You have a talent for description, and getting inside the character's heads. You live with them, and don't simply tell what they do. Great Work!

I also liked, again, your ability to capture the reader's attention. The pessimist in the beginning might not be a central character in the story, but you use him well to explain more about the main character, and at the the same draw the reader in.

Suggestions: *Idea*

I have only one, and it was in the paragraph when you were explaining the train's doors "opening smoothly." Just before you had used smooth, and it seems repetitive. I think that you could leave the train's doors as sliding open, as that implies that it was smooth.

That's really all I could see!


Overall impressions

You are a great writer, and I definetely think that you could expand this out into a novel. You have left the door open to countless paths with which to take the novel, and I look forward to reading the expansions *Smile*


Thanks for sharing, Keep it up! *Bigsmile*


Southsidehcky
10
10
Review of sacrficial ill  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey There!



What I liked: *Heart*

This poem is very thought provoking, and it really makes the reader think about what goes on in our world.

You also use some good description to help the reader along in making their own decisions about the poem, it helps as well to pull the reader into the piece.

I also liked how you addressed more than one sense in this, it helps to give the poem a better sense of realism.

Suggestions: *Idea*

The fist and largest suggestion that I have is that you format this. It has to be set into a poetic structure, not a paragraph, or else it really just isn't a poem. Also by not having it in a set structure it makes it very hard for the reader to understand it as poetry, and not as a short story.

Also you said...

"Next time as her purfume fills the air, remember the untouchable, love not shared."

There should be a comma after "next time" and there shouldn't be one after "untouchable"


Overall impressions

This is a very thought provoking poem that, along with a little polishing off, can be very successful here at WDC. You obviously spent some time on this, and it will pay off nicely *Bigsmile*


Thanks for sharing, Keep it up! *Bigsmile*


Southsidehcky
11
11
Review of Walk Away  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey There!



What I liked: *Heart*

Your poem is very descriptive, and it helps a lot to bring the reader into the poem, and help them relate to it. Good Job!


You also have a very good established fluency in the poem, which works well with the type of poem and mood you have set. Also the rhyming scheme is constant throughout the poem, good work.

Suggestions: *Idea*

You said... "With my conscience I have built"

I think that having both "my" and "I" in the same line pulls out the reader. You have such a great established flow, why put a bump in it?


You could say something that is essentially the same, but a little different. Such as...

"With the conscience I have built"


Overall impressions

This was an entertaining read, and it really puts the reader right into the main character's situation. Excellent Work!!


Thanks for sharing, Keep it up! *Bigsmile*


Southsidehcky
12
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Review of Daily Journal  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hey There!

This is an interesting look at the housing market for sure *Smile* It's an entertaining read, though no doubt it caused you a lot of trouble. You write very simplisticly in this piece, and it helps to catch on with the reader. The ending is also a good example of your frustration. Good work!

Write On!


southsidehcky
13
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Review of Is it Friday Yet?  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey There!

Isn't this the truth!!! I'm in highschool, so every word of what you said is true to me *Bigsmile* Thank goodness for the weekends! And we're in one now! YAY

This poem is catchy and on a very relateable topic, something that will help you a lot in writing. Great Work on this, I would love to take a look at some of your other writing in the future.

Until then, Write On!


southsidehcky
14
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Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey There!

I must say, that was very entertaining, and challenging! I thought I was pretty knowledgable when it came to Harry Potter, but I guess not! Good Work!

Seriously though I have to know, what was with the "Last question in the Order of the Phoenix" one? I didn't understand what it meant so I just guessed...but what did it mean?


Great Work finding some obscure information, and I will admit that it was tons of fun!


Thanks,


Southsidehcky
15
15
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey There!

I found this on the Review Request page looking for feedback.

This is your first attempt at poetry? Well, it is very short but it has a great inner meaning and presents a good idea. You could try to expand upon it to improve the poem, maybe tell more about the faces; what's wrong with them, why are they like the are, etc. It wouldn't take too long, but it would add a whole extra level to the poem.


It's great for a first attempt though! I took my first stab at poetry with mixed results...but this looks to be a succesful one!



Write On!


Southsidehcky
16
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Review of Heart Sounds  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey There!

Woah this was great! You really spent some time and effort on this one!

Your pacing and fluency in this piece are perfect; there are no spots at all where the reader might be able to get tripped up over a misplaced word, too many syllables, etc. Good Job!

Also I noticed that the rhyming scheme you chose was flawless, and it fit perfectly with this type of poem. It was integrated so well that it sort of enhances the already good poem.

I think that I found one spot where you could add to make it sound better though, if you don't mind me suggesting....



"Swells rising and retreating,
climbing every shore;"


I think that maybe you could add to the beginning of this so it is like....


"Swells both rising and retreating,
climbing every shore;


Its one word, but I think it would give a nice boost to the poem overall. Take it if you wish *Bigsmile*



Write On!



Southsidehcky
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Review of The Line Up  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey There!

This poem is pretty catchy; good job! It's a simple look at a pretty general topic, but it also attaches itself to the reader and doesn't let go. Also, there is a great deeper meaning to the piece that allows you to keep thinking about it afterwards, Great Job!

I think the best part about this though is that it is easy to read. Some stuff up here is good poetry, but it takes you three times reading it to understand it all! You used simple diction to allow the reader to easily maneauver through the poem. Again, Great Job!


I do have one grammar suggestion that I caught when reading through. In the first few lines, you say the character is a "caption" of the hide and go seek teams. Would that happen to be "captain?" It might be something about where you're from though too, so I'll let you decide on that!


Great Work, and Write On!


~Southsidehcky
18
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Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey There!

Initial reaction to this poem, at least from me, has to be sorrow. Did this really happen to you? If it did I really am sorry for your loss.

Then I had to look at the poem/prose itself, and you did a great job with it! The piece flows together with emotions arising constantly out of it. Questions posed to the reader help to implicate the sense of hopelessness infused within the character as their mother was taken from them.

Wonderful work. I do have a couple suggestions though, all very minor.


1. I like the writingML added in, but I think that overall it sort of takes the reader out of the work. You establish a great mood, and then I got caught on the heart; though it is well placed. Leave it if you wish, I am just saying that it might take some of your more critical readers out of the piece itself.


2. "A part of me is gone, how can I be me?"

Maybe add "so" after the comma? It would give the piece an overall lift in flow and make the reader understand right away what is being said.




That's really all I could spot! Great Work!




Southsidehcky
19
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Review of Longing to Cry  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey There!


This is pretty good, but it could use some work; as can all things. It uses great ideas to captivate the reader, but the real issue with it is that I feel it is too wordy in some places, and it doesn't really have that much flow.

Some suggestions to improve this...remember these are my opinions and you decide what goes in *Smile*


1. You said...

"I cry and no one knows, I weep and there is no one there."

Maybe change up the wording in this second part, to improve the fluency of the section as a whole...maybe something like:


"I cry and no one knows, I weep and no one comes (or sees? hears?)."

Simple, and it gets the same message across. It also falls off the tongue a little better, if you get my drift *Bigsmile*


2. "I cannot show it, but I want the people to see I do have these feelings and they are true to me."

hmmm a little lengthy maybe. something like this?

"People must see that these feelings are true, but I can never reveal them"



Overall your poem gets across a good message; it just needs a little polishing off.


Good Job, and Write On!



Southsidehcky
20
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Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey There!


I remember this story! I used to read it all the time when I was a little younger!! It never seemed to scare me too much, the occaisional nightmare when I was a goat occured a few times though. You are not alone!!

This is cute, and I like how even though it is short you really suck the reader into the story and never let go. I think you could expand this out into a longer children's story, based on your own feelings; what do you think? or maybe your daughter goes back and finds the troll?


There was one typo I saw just reading through it the first time...


"I first saw him in a storybook of "The Three Billy Goats Gruff"."


The period should be included inside the quotations; just a little issue that is very easy to fix.



Good Job. Thanks for sharing!



Write On!


Southsidehcky
21
21
Review of Heaven's Daughter  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey There!

This is really a good poem. How long did it take you!? It must have been a while, because this is really good! The pacing and fluency are perfect, and it seems as though you have plucked the words right out of the "lovely maiden's" mouth *Bigsmile*


Excellent Work. I enjoyed reading it, as I am sure many will in the coming future.


Write On!


Southsidehcky
22
22
Review of GLUE  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey There!

I like the idea you have going here, and I think that you pull it off pretty well. The rhyming scheme is constant throughout, exept for one spot in the second stanza. I understand the problem you faced there, and on the whole it isn't a really bid deal, but if somewhere down the line you see a phrase that would fit there and complete the rhyming scheme you should put it in. Its not too big a deal though.

I liked this, though it took me a few readthroughs to get it all. Good Work.


Southsidehcky
23
23
Review of Not The Mirror  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey There!


I found this on the review request page looking for some feedback.

First, I love your use of the Writing ML features that WDC has to offer. I don't know what it is about it, but the color and having it centered makes the poem seem more....alive! Good Work!


Second, the poem! It was very good, written about a topic I am not at all familiar with, sorry but I am a guy *Bigsmile*, but I think that you pulled out a problem common to women and made it very clear to understand how someone could possibly deal with it (I don't really know for sure if its about you, so I don't want to imply that *Smile* )

There is one spot I think you could fix to help the overall flow and pacing of the poem.

You said...

"So how I live,
when I deny myself?"

These are lines three and four of the second stanza, and I think that you could add a "do" in there to increase the established flow slightly. It would sound something like...

"So how do I live,
when I deny myself?"

You see what I'm saying? Well, in any case its just my opinion.

Great Job! And thanks for sharing with us!!


I hope this helped,


Southsidehcky
24
24
Review of Self  Open in new Window.
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey There!


This is a really nice poem, written by you and about you. It lets us, the readers and fellow memebers of WDC, take an outsiders look at the things you have gone through; Thanks for sharing!

Might I suggest though that you capitalize the beginnings of lines 4, 6, and 9? They seem to be the beginning of new sentences, and even just for appearances sake it would be good if you capitalized them.

Then putting commas/periods where applicable would be nice, but not required. Its your work, you decide!


Thanks, and Write On!


Southsidehcky
25
25
Review by Complexo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey There!

This is really interesting! I bet this is probably one of the most unique ways that people have come to writing *Smile*

I think that it's great you find such enjoyment in this part of your life, and I think that its great that writing is something you can always do, and always take with you.

Thanks for sharing this story with us, and I look forward to reading some outstanding pieces from you in the future.


Write On!



Southsidehcky
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