Hmm. Quite interesting. I myself am not a huge fantasy fanatic, but this was intriguing enough to keep me curious. There are a few errors; typos are what I am assuming, as, for the most part, your writing is excellent. It is also a bit dense at times, and the introduction of entirely new and foreign words did make for a bit of a difficult reading, but as I said, I am not an avid fantasy reader (at least for the time being); I'm sure with a different audience, none of this would be an issue. This being the exposition, I was fine with the info-dumping, and glad for it actually. In later chapters, I'm sure the info-dumping will be at more of a minimum (as it is, the information was well-incorporated). Looking forward to reading more of your tale! :)
Hi. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to give you a bit of constructive criticism--hope that's okay with you!
Well, it's humorous. A little unrealistic at times, but I guess that's okay in the comedy genre.
There are a few grammatical errors, however. The second sentence, for example, is a fragment. It's okay, though, if you wanted it for stylistic/dramatic effect. "A ninja, knight type guy or something like that." could be bettered by saying 'A ninja, knight-type guy, or something like that.' Most of what you've written only has small errors like this, though.
I think there is some clarification needed, and there are tons of ways you could improve your prose and overall sentence structure. e.g "Oh wait you think that's me?" should be changed to "Oh wait, you think that's me?" because there is a pause between the phrase 'oh wait' and the rest of the sentence. Also, in general, unless something is referring to a specific person, place, or thing, it doesn't need to be capitalized; neither "Fire Department" nor "Firemen" should be capitalized. I suggest you read your work out loud; you'll see where you need to edit and which sentences seem a little awkwardly phrased.
Needless to say, I'm not going to edit your entire work (to be honest, I think you'll be able to do it better than me, since the story's in your head). You've done a really good job for your first official story, though! (Mine was in 6th grade and it was awful, I'll admit.)
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 3:50am on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "