Hullo!
I saw your request for a review in the Review Request page, and I thought I'd add my review to the ones you've already gotten.
Tone & Theme:
5/5
Well, I have to say that this was a rather unique story, certainly. I wasn't quite sure what to expect from either the title, and after the first two paragraphs, I was expecting something a bit different. I enjoy being surprised, however, especially when it's been well done. The heat of the day is very obvious, as is the difficult work the man is doing. In the same respect, I think you did a great job of setting the tone of Mr. Hardman very quickly, and very accurately. The tangled hair, the purple bandana, and the orange lenses made for a rather interesting picture in my head.
Dialogue:
5/5
First off, I have to say that I laughed out loud at Ronnie's initial response to Mr. Hardman's, “Where you think you're goin'?” That would have been my very first thought, too. Anyway, given the tone and general bewildering atmosphere of the story, I think the quick and slightly confusing dialogue fits perfectly. Just get rid of those ellipses being used as pauses. (Hah. Pet peeve of mine; I'm not taking points away because of them.)
**I stand corrected on the ellipses. After doing some reading about them, it seems that they can be used as a pause in speech, depending on the format.**
Grammar & Spelling:
5/5
Perfect spelling, and nearly perfect grammar, as well. I only found one VERY minor grammatical errors, but nothing certainly nothing that will negatively impact my overall opinion of your story.
“How long you been working here,” the man asked, quickly adding “for me, of course.” - with this being a question, I was thinking there should be a question mark somewhere in there.
That was it. There was nothing else I could find that was wrong.
Descriptions & Setting:
5/5
There was very little setting to describe, obviously, given the story, but what was there you described very well. The description of the area wasn't all that was well done, however. You used quite a few strong words to let us know just what was going on, and how it was happening (nostrils flaring, sweat drenched, hearty laughter, etc). I chuckled as I pictured Ronnie stopping in mid-sentence to get out of the way of the shotgun; very well written part there.
Overall:
5/5
This story was absolutely bewildering, and makes the reader think, “What in the world is going on?” I can even picture some people finishing this, their eyebrow raised in perplexity (much like my own). This story is utterly confounding and in the end, it still doesn't make any sense. The thing is, this senselessness FITS. Very entertaining read.
I wish I could say that I had some advice to offer you to make this a better story, but I really don't. You use a lot of strong adverbs and adjectives, but you don't overuse them (a personal problem of mine), so that's a good thing.
Keep up the good work!
P.S. I thought the title was creative. Sure, it could be the spray from the apples that were destroyed right next to Ronnie, but my feeling is that it actually pertains to whatever muddled mess is left inside Mr. Hardman's head. |
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