I really enjoyed this piece. I love your attention to detail in here, decribing what it looked like to the boy as he gazed out of his window. I felt that the story had an ominous undertone. But you left that open for the reader to decipher. why does the boy imagine having a different life? What has made the boy feel like he needed to imagine a different life while staring out at all the lights and other peoples homes? These are just a few of the questions that the readers are left with. I would love to hear more of this story.
I found minimal errors within this piece. I would like to make one suggestion, and that is with this sentence:
--->>>"Their only intention being to eat and rest after the stresses the working day each of them unaware how they fitted together to make something beautiful to the right pair of eyes, each unaware of how much of an influence they were having on the life of a small boy who they would never meet." <<<--- I feel like this is a run-on sentence. Please go back and edit and consider using coma's
otherwise I love this piece. And I look forward to reading more!
I really enjoyed this chapter. I thought the plot was well put together, and it kept me interested.
In the first few paragraphs I even got a few chuckles, because I could imagine, and relate to how frustrating writers block can truly by. And then when things started getting weird, it started turning strange, and I really liked it and it intrigued me.
"For what felt like an eternity he carefully tried to coax his eyes into accepting the light so he could look around. Eventually he peered through tear-blurred vision at the lone candle producing such devastating quantities of light."--- I really liked this paragraph, and the detail you put into it. I could really feel how the light was bothering his eyes as you were writing it.
This chapter left me wanting to know more of what happened to Sej, and of course if he ever cures his writers block! Great job!!!
This review was done for the Newbies Academy Relay Race
I like this poem. And I'll tell you why. I am the parent of a soon to be 7th grader,this next week. I have actually talked to him recently and had him tell me how much "stress" he feels the school puts on him. And how mean the children can be, in the school.
I actually pictured my own child, walking through the halls of his school, sitting and staring at his lunch from school, and having to feel the ickiness one would feel as they received a not so great grade.
I believe this poem is, and can be very relatable to all teenagers having to go through the public school systems. As sad as it is, I think this poem can serve as a good reminder to parents. We were all there once, we should know how stressful school can be. We should stop and listen to our children, more often. And I really think your piece brings that to the forefront of our minds.
This is an excellent, thought-provoking piece. thank you for sharing!
This poem is sad :( but it kind of reminds me of my long distant relationship with my now husband. It always felt so HORRIBLE, like the mountains would never budge and a sea apart. But eventually it all worked out. I love this poem, just because personally it reminds me of how I was feeling when we were seperated! Great job!! Happy Writing! :)
I really felt the emotion in this poem. It made me yern to feel the sunlight like you talk about in the poem. One of my favorite parts was the way you described feeling like an empty bottle, and it reminded me of how we are all fragile just like that. You did an awesome job, and I can't wait to read more poems! Happy Writing!!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/stormcloud2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 5:33pm on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
