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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/strandedcandid
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51 Public Reviews Given
52 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Never Far Away  Open in new Window.
Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey, if this happened to you, I'm so sorry, but the fact that anyone could pull themselves together enough to write a poem about that experience is wonderful...On a technical note, in "I was he static and overjoyed", I assume you meant to say, I was 'ecstactic' and overjoyed? Also, unless you mean to say, 'this was hard for me to cope (with), change 'this' was hard for me to cope to 'it' was hard for me to cope?This is touching. Keep writing and God Bless
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Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Has just enough mystery to make someone want to read more. If Bright Eyes is his new wife, it seems a bit odd that he would be openly calling her by her 'pet' name to his mother, instead of just saying her name. I am wondering about his wanting to keep their shared and seperate responsibilities at bay; it seems that if they've already been living together there wouldn't be any concern about figuring that out, as it would with a couple who has never lived together. I'm a little bit confused by that. Otherwise, I enjoyed it*Smile* Good Luck!
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Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi*Smile* It's obvious you put a great deal of work into this item, making a point to be very specific, which helped me think exactly about each piece of chocolate! I think it would be good to put more background information about what the chocolates made her think of, connecting the different senses more closely to specifics of memories or things we may want to know about the giver of the gift and the reason why she received them, perhaps a clue as to how she is going to respond to the gift giver, based on everything that the chocolate conjured up. What chocolate lover wouldn't like this? Enjoyed it*Smile*
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Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
On a technical note: I would do 'meals' vs. 'meal'. I'm wondering if the 'flow' or rhythm in the lines 'Unsuspecting quarry...' and 'For these ravenous wolves' could be improved to be more parallel to the next two phrases. I really like the last line. I wanted, at first, to hear you say 'stand', even though it doesn't rhyme with 'adulthood', but I re-read it and think you did the right thing. I was wondering if you may want to change, in the first line, 'bunches', somehow it seems like a word so closely associated with 'flowers' that it makes the first line fall a little flat at the end, softens it up too much somehow. I wonder if you could work in the word 'pack' instead, but I realize you'd have to find new rhymes for the whole first paragraph. I like the theme. There are a lot of poems written about cats and dogs (I'vce written one about cats, myself), but wolves, less so. Nicely done!
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Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi*Smile* (on a technicality, your title reads, "I didn't meant to", vs. 'mean' to). double check counter shot, hyphenated? counter-shot? Suggestion: remind the reader, quote, Sonnet 138, the part you mean. And I am wondering about 'stabbing one's back', when you use 'one's' it makes it sound that you mean stabbing 'oneself' in the back, which I don't think you mean to say, right? As to content, I like your opinion about truth,although it's often hard for people to grow a backbone unless, and until, they've already goofed up and made their own mistakes, in my opinion. Good job; keep writing*Smile*
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Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Suggestions: He melted like 'putty', not 'puddy. 'realized' vs. 'relized'. In 'He asked her out, making it..." leave out 'a', keep 'the'. 'basically' vs. 'bassically', 'suicide' vs. 'sucide'. 'Being the retard he is' (try a different word than 'retard', it's very offensive to some people, a lot of other things would be better, and capitalize God and Taylor Swift) 'they were supposed to be' vs. 'the were soppose to be'. She was 'overly' excited? This is a nice example of what happens to every teenager, one way or the other, throughout those years. Something that a lot of other teens could relate to. I think I would prefer it with a little dialogue, to make it more personal, referencing their fav song or etc. Keep writing*Smile*
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Review of An Ode to Lithium  Open in new Window.
Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Any friend who is, or has been, depressed would love to have a poem written for them like this. Consider changing the phrase 'from your wounds there's no gain' to 'from your wounds, there is no gain'. And you really 'get it' about trying to help a depressed friend. But even though you may feel like 'a sparrow crossing endless sky', you are getting somewhere, even if you can't take all the pain away.
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Review of 2000 Days  Open in new Window.
Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Technically, what about:
On the days I think endlessly about you, I wonder, if you could only see me now, what would you think? Re-read the line, 'The monster...' (leave out the word 'am'?) semicolon after 'be; It's just who I've become'? Did you mean to leave out 'still' in 'But deep down inside I still think it is'? It seems like that might have been what you intended to go along with the previous phrase. What about a period after 'But all in all you're gone'? And maybe a comma after 'And even though you're not coming back'?....BELIEVE me when I say I know how you feel, even though each of us probably feels that our grandmother was so special, no one else could relate! Consider reading the essay I wrote about my grandmother, "Grandma, The Charleston, Medicine". It sounds like they could have been twins*Smile* I know what you mean, too, about the family breaking up. I would never have imagined that so many of our usual holiday get-togethers would suddenly end. It was such a sudden break. God Bless...*Smile*
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Review of Spring  Open in new Window.
Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ha! I love it*Smile* I would suggest ending the phrases of 'all because you're not here' and 'all because you were here' with explanation points to emphasize your point. And if you really want to 'stick it 'im'/her, what about dragging it out in some places in some way, as if to say 'and hmmmm...all because you're not here??' (as if, hmmm, wonder how this could be) Very cute*Smile* Keep writing! Incidentally, listen to Stan Getz with Astrid Gilbert on grooveshark.com sometime. It's not the same meaning, but it gives me the same kind of twist feeling*Smile*
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Review of Visitors  Open in new Window.
Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Suggestion: comma after 'Without warning'? or a 'dash' that may more accurately reflect the surprise of what happened. Comma after 'a giant hiss'? Dark and mysterious, but tantalizing, I liked it*Smile*
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Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Suggestion; 'Not a rest, (comma)? And another after 'rest'? I'd put another after the phrase 'the fact that I had nothing to do'. This is all technical stuff, I know, but another suggestion would be to put 'life's just about passing school' in single quotes, like that. I can relate to the 'moral of the story'! Keep writing!*Smile*
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Review of Humanity  Open in new Window.
Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Suggestion: 'stands atop a 'lone' hill, without a dream or a mope (consider finding a different word for 'mope') or maybe, 'Stands atop solemn hill, with no dream, mope? I don't know, I like the message and really like that you used a dove for imagnery, and I like 'her soft coo the call', but then I wonder if 'her mourning, the call' might be better? We have doves around here called mourning doves. On one hand, depending on what mood you're in, they're call could be described as a (sweet, gentle) coo, which makes you think of the name 'turtle dove', and I think there is a type of dove by that name, but then I unnderstand doves are mates for life and that when you hear their call, they're calling their single mate, mourning. I don't know, keep writing*Smile* It was definitely thought-provoking, right?*Smile*
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Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
suggestion: 'show my feelings'? plural? nice effort*Smile*
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Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
suggestion: last line say 'What is life if, with comforts, (leave out it's?) replete? keep writing*Smile*
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Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
suggestion: change 'what keeps us grounded' to 'that' keeps us grounded. I think you should keep writing*Smile*, that's how I see it*Smile*
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Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
suggestion: fix one who feel's' too much (add the 's')
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Review of Blossoms Maligned  Open in new Window.
Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow, what effort! I appreciated that you didn't rush through. I'm curious if you meant to say 'no more than' a stone's throw away in your 4th sentence vs. 'more than'. I liked that it reminded me of some of my experiences as a young girl, like when I got a gold necklace from a popular jeweler in our town and the reference to playing house reminded me of 'playing house' with my cousins, lol. Overall, a very nice piece. Thanks!
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Review of The Bad Old Days  Open in new Window.
Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I rated '4' because I really like the subject. I don't think I've ever heard of a poem based on that circumstance, and yet it was such a hard time! I guess we're all blessed, now, to be so far removed. I also like the fact that you focused on it from one mother (and father's) perspective, although I'd love to know more about a father in that situation might have felt. I don't think a time like that can be appreciated unless you can glimpse what it was like for people as individuals. The fact that your single sentence ends with a sudden change in direction, presenting the big picture, that that disease has been cured, was great, in the sense that the reader has been drawn in really closely to experience the sorrow and then the end is such a striking contrast that it brings more emphasis to the larger point you wanted to leave.
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Review of The Warrior's Way  Open in new Window.
Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi*Smile*, I've re-read this a couple of times, wondering if it means what I think; I'm not sure what "burning debris" is referring to, addiction to drugs? But then I've had some odd experiences, perhaps you meant it to be left up to interpretation (or I'm not that insightful, that certainly happens, lol). The title caught my eye because I was diagnosed with OCD at one time (which has since changed), but the fact that you titled it 'worryior' sounded interesting, (even though it might have even been a misspelling?), because of course, OCD has a lot to do with being a worrying warrior, warring against fear, especially the fear of loss of control. One of my symptoms was a constant obsession with suicide, actually, at one time, for months. I'm so very glad that dark part of my life is over, but I will never forget how exhausting it was, fighting those thoughts all day, when every thing I looked at seemed a potential weapon, against myself. I can't even list them all. Anyway, this might not have been your intent at all, but for me, it was certainly thought-provoking and, as a Christian, I read "The Father" as Jehovah, who brought me out of it all. Thanks and God Bless*Smile*
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Review of Final moments  Open in new Window.
Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi*Smile*, did you mean to say black "mold" instead of "mould"? Just me, but I'd say "reason might help ease the pain" and leave out the "to" after "help". Lastly, did you mean to say "dusty" box instead of "fusty"? Good Luck*Smile*
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Review by strandedcandid Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi*Smile*, you're my first review! I like the moral of this story and, in my opinion, there is a logical flow from one paragraph to the next. I was wondering if you would like any suggestions as to grammar. I'm short on time, so forgive me if I go ahead and just make a few (but, by the way, I don't like to get too hung up on grammar in my writing. Sometimes, I think it gives more authenticity, but just in case...)

>When I was young, (comma)...

>food to eat, (comma) or money to pay the bills.

>My dad's favorite saying was, "God will find a way." (in quotes, since it's a literal saying, and seperate 'away' into 'a way'

>(and what about:) I can honestly say that, (comma) when we had an empty refrigerator or the lights were getting ready to be cut off,(comma) out of no where someone always came to help. My dad said,(or My dad would say, )" God is looking out for us".

>My mother thought that, (comma) since people helped us, (comma) we should help others.

>Then she went from one child to the next, (comma) asking if we had any toys we'd be willing to donate to the family.

>I said, "No." After all, we were poor.

>My mom spotted the doll baby on the shelf and said, (comma) "You (capitalize 'you') know, (comma) they have a little girl who would love to have that baby doll." (period first, then quote marks, I think

(That's all I have time for, hope it was of some help. Like I said, I got the moral of the story, and that's the point anyway, right?! God Bless,..
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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/strandedcandid