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Review by Tiffany Strife Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I'm going to break my review up into 4 sections: one for each "location" in the piece and one as a final "over-all" impression.

First the "in camp" section. I feel while it is a good start, you could have taken your time a bit more here. Instead of just telling us that the two men are close, show us through more dialogue. If you give us their interaction, you can use less filler. Also you had the phrase "He was barking his orders as the camp commander." I'm sure you meant to say "as if he were the camp commander" because "as the camp commander suggests he actually is in that position. Be careful of repetition and unnecessary wording. "The sudden turnaround came as a shock to Merin and his friends in Camp Downes" and then having them rush in a sentence or two later cancel each other out. One suggests the discovery has happened, but then it happens. "boyish camp leader" is repeated quite a bit. What is it that makes him boyish? Looks? Age? Behavior?

In the Capitol: First off, you glossed over a very excellent dialogue opportunity between Salazar and the governor, which would have given us some good glimpses into the characters without just telling us about them. Take some time for descriptions. I think if you had paused to give us a picture of the Japanese leader, you could have a very dynamic image for people to latch onto. The man with his sword, how he moves around the office, what he wears, his face...give us that snapshot.

Monkayo isn't developed enough here to really get into it. As of now there isn't someone to latch onto and sympathize with.

Over all it's a good starting point. Take some time to elaborate on your characters, either with dialogue or action. I feel its a bit rushed, as if you just worked in a fury to get it on paper. Revisit each section and read it to yourself. Try to remember that we as readers are not in your mind and do not see what you see, you have to show us your vision. I gave a rating of 3.0 cause I think you're half way there, but the project shows promise.
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