Ha, I'm all too familiar with this feeling of darkness. Not as much the depressing kind, but the temptation kind. By reading this, I can tell that you've overcome a massive personal struggle, and this piece brings the reader through that struggle, in an interesting way.
Brevity is what gives this piece its power. However, the William Carlos Williams approach isn't always that effective. I feel that if you traded the words 'breezy', 'gusts', 'open', etc. for more engaging, descriptive and unusual words, readers would be intersted by the synergy between the vocabulary and brevity, that almost makes the reader ache because of the poem's lonely feel.
Cheers.
Nice. You can almost taste the angst in the repetition. You effectively bring the hostile thoughts of a preteen girl into poetry. I'd say you should focus on the flow of the poem, and maybe throw in a few more descriptive vocabulary words to better show the feelings this girl feels.
There's a very classic feel to this poem, I'll grant you that. I would recommend, although the meter doesn't really permit it, to diversify the vocabulary you used here to create more evocative images for the reader, because that's what war's all about- graphic, painful, glorious (depends on your opinion), etc. Everyday vocabulary falls short of portraying the emotion of war.
The word 'which' at the end of the first stanza is grammatically incorrect. Use 'who'. The word 'kid' seems too informal and takes away from the meaning of the poem, find some way to include it, like the 'blood and soul of a child'. Don't worry too much about the structure of the poem itself,
There are minor mistakes like this scattered, if you'd like me to be nitpicky and point them out, they jar my eyes, and the rythym of the poem seems to skip a beat.
It's hard for me to tell what this is actually about, because there's some serious stuff going on.
Is it abortion?
Lastly, as you already know, I don't really like the ABAB rhyme scheme, (but what're you gonna do, if it's your style, keep it up), it just seems inappropriate almost, as if mother goose suddenly had a turn for the worse and began writing about bloody children.
I like the ideas that you have behind your writing this poem, and you convey feelings rather well. but the rhymes that you chose to use are a little typical and almost make the tone lighthearted, which I doubt you were striving for, the rhymes could be adjusted to add novelty to your poem.
You bring up a lot of things that I often think about as well. These social and personal responsibilities that every individual has are often overlooked. I, too, am a smoker, and have recieved negative remarks from people with loud children, and one time a person that had parked her car behind mine, after I asked her politely to pull it out, so that I could leave. I have been making a conscious effort over the past 2 years to throw out my cigarette butts, and force my friends to follow suit when they're smoking as well.
Greed conquers all, and you definetly understand this, as you observe that self empowerment takes precedent over any sort of empathy. Cheers.
Haha.
This could be a really good and memorable beginning of a novel or short story (although it seems you prefer brevity, based on what I've seen in your portfolio), especially a satire novel, which is what you seem to be geared towards. This excerpt brings to mind the style of Douglas Adams, his hilarious satire that you can only agree with.
What biting sarcasm! Of course, you bring to light an interesting and amusing point, in the style of Dr. Seuss. You have a good handle on vocabulary and your meter never seems off.
I appreciate this funny piece of social commentary, and as I go through your portfolio, expect to find more.
Nice. This segment gives an excellent window into the character of 'Big Eddie', and both characters seem very real, although Eddie's dialect seems like something from a cartoon, and unrealistic. It's hard to tell whether this was something you had intended or not. Excellent ending as well.
This essay strikes a certain familiar chord within me, as I have recently finished a couse on the Philosophy of Religion.
The arguments based on empirical methodology bring to mind the argument of St. Augustine, St. Anselm's famous 'Ontological Argument' or Descartes' 'Fifth Meditation'. If you need any information on those, I'd be happy to supply you with some. Wikipedia is easiest, though. However, these arguments apply more to logical evidence, and not scientific evidence per se. As you already said, none of these really have empirical evidence either.
I'm also interested in the concept of 'supernature', although I am not entirely sure I understand it, or that it's explained clearly enough. Are you suggesting that the belief of a 'supernaturalist' by using the phrasing 'many natures', that natures exist on other worlds, or alternate realities? I feel that you're referring to the latter, which is an idea that you bring to light in your "Rockabee".
Although it would be hard for me to find now, your friend Barry's quote is strikingly similar to a famous point on the theist's side of the religion argument.
The 'grandmother-cheese-puffs-and-chicken' segment is something that I agree with, and really explains very well what I found frustrating while studying the Philosophy of Religion. More concern seems to be focused on semantics and faulty phrasing than the actual concepts, those concepts that would make those sentences controversial in the first place. I applaud your reasoning in this portion, and your ability to infuse humor into an often humorless subject.
While at some points this essay flies over the head of the average individual who hasn't read up on his or her philosophy or arguments on religion, at the risk of issuing myself a compliment, I seem to have grasped what you mean to say.
Very, very well written.
Here are a few things that you may want to keep in mind, both positive and negative.
Positive: Evocative vocabulary creates for the reader a very visual short story. It is easy to see what the author (you) is describing here. The beginning of the story was not only entirely original (to my knowledge), but evoked interest, amusement at the old man's character, and forced the reader to pay attention to the greater detail of the work. Applause goes to the characters and style of narration as well.
Negative: As the story evolves into the "Rockabee" section which is a world of rocks, I've deduced, things become a bit hard to follow. Especially the part where the main character finds a portal to Rockabee, or alder-sap or whatever.
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