My First Thought: This was very exciting. I was enjoying the way you had someone else talk about their siblings instead of just going through them one by one. I was intrigued by just how well she described them, and how much of herself was told through her perspective when she talked about each of her siblings. Overall, very detailed.
Size and Descriptions: I think each character had enough told about them with excellent detailing. There are precise comments made about each character, with also parts that spoke out about Lasha. Overall, very well done.
Before moving on to the errors found, I'd like to tell you that I enjoyed reviewing this piece of work. It was funny, but serious, and left me with an attachment to your characters because I've grown to know them, even for a small piece. This is nicely done and I applaud your work. Very Well Done.
Rating: 4.5 Stars
Errors: There were very little errors as far as cohesiveness and fullness, however there were some grammatical, capitalization, and punctuation errors. As follows, I've listed them all in great detail:
First paragraph: “I don't give a shit if you were beaten, and raped.” There should not be a comma after the word beaten.
First paragraph: “Honestly you got off lucky if that's all your daddy did to you.” A comma should come after the word honestly.
Second paragraph: “Honestly this is nothing.” A comma should come after the word honestly.
Second paragraph: “…no I am not a halfling I'm a gnome.” Maybe try rephrasing this? Perhaps, “…in case you are wondering, I am a full blooded gnome.”
Second paragraph: “If you big folk actually paid any attention you'd know and if I hear any slave joke even murmur from your lips, …” After know there should be a period, and then a new sentence should start with If. Otherwise, this is a run on sentence.
Third paragraph: “Oh yes I have six siblings…” After yes, should be a comma.
Third paragraph: “Ha.” Use an exclamation here to emphasize the sarcasm.
Third paragraph: “…that maybe I'm being too harsh…” You can take out the maybe here, it’s not needed.
Fourth paragraph: “To be honest though Giovan …”A comma should go after the word though.
Fourth paragraph: “Have you heard of Kilanna Thornhook.” This should have a question mark, even if a rhetorical question.
Fourth paragraph: “do you know why?” Capitalize Do.
Fourth paragraph: “That bitch. she does it just to spite me too.” Perhaps combine these two. “That bitch does it just to spite me, too.”
Fourth paragraph: “You know what the worst part is.” Should have a question mark.
Fourth paragraph: “The worst part. I'll tell you. The boys she takes from me, she doesn't even keep 'em. Just tosses them away a couple days later.” Perhaps combine this also, “The worst part is that the boys she takes from me, she doesn’t even keep ‘em; just tosses them away a couple days later.”
Fifth paragraph: “Then there's Channa. The middle child.” Perhaps add a semi-colon after Channa and then lower case the.
Fifth paragraph: “she actually has a …” Capitalize She.
Fifth paragraph: “she actually calls them …” Capitalize She.
Fifth paragraph: “can't defend themselves, You'd have to be stupid to follow her around.” This should be a period I am assuming.
Fifth paragraph: “as if it was still alive it took her months until she stopped …” After alive, there should be a semi-colon to separate the sentences that are combined.
Fifth paragraph: “for the first two weeks she kept taking it for walks.” For should be capitalized.
Fifth paragraph: “ If Giovan and I hadn't stolen it in the night and tossed it in the river I doubt she would have stopped.” After river there should be a comma.
Fifth paragraph: “If one of our siblings die, I don't even want to think of what she'd do.” After siblings, there should be “were to” added before die.
Sixth paragraph: “are you alright? don't worry the others aren't as bad.” Capitalize “Are” and “Don’t”.
Sixth paragraph: “…have problems yet. not as bad as the others at least.” After yet, just replace the period with a comma.
Sixth paragraph: “Anyway Cael's a good kid. although I don't know if he'll ever be able to talk.” After kid, replace the period with a comma and then another after although.
Sixth paragraph: “Honestly he' one of the reasons I stay here.” After honestly add a comma.
Sixth paragraph: “he's probably the most sane Thornhook in existence.” Capitalize He’s.
Seventh paragraph: “He's mouthy,” Place a period after mouthy.
Seventh paragraph: “Once when Lanni and I were out here in Morato We wandered too close to the Slave Market, and he had tried to free the slaves.” After “Once” should come a comma and after “Morato” should have a semicolon.
Seventh paragraph: “If Lanni hadn't been there to talk the guards my brother may have even been made a slave himself, or maybe even killed.” After the word guards add a comma.
Eighth paragraph: “Touch her and die,” After die, place a period.
Eighth paragraph: “They're Monsters.” Lowercase m in monsters.
Eighth paragraph: “They're My family!” Lower case m in my.
Eighth paragraph: “And when I take over. When dad retires and leaves the town to me.” After over, replace the period with a semicolon and lowercase the W in when. |
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