Overall a good poem. Well done!
I like the way that you actually adhered to one rhyme scheme throughout the whole thing, nicely done. A lot of times people will write a poem and just throw in rhyming words wherever they want.
I also like how in the last line you change "stay right here, do not disappear" to "come back here, do not disappear"... But it might be a bit more poignant if you said something like "come back here, but you disappear." showing that she does in fact go. I think that would also give more of a sense of finality to the poem as well.
Very moving poem. I can tell there is a lot of sentiment behind it. Well done!
One thing I would change is in the second line: "its going to cave in on me"
I think that should be "it's" a contraction of it is.
Another thing is that the tense seems to change in the last part of the poem.
Most of it is written in present tense but then when you say "I looked upon Jesus..." It switches to past tense. I would keep it consistent.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 5:15pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.