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Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Contest GPS Fund  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. I wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Height of Fear (3rd Place)" Open in new Window.
Author: BScholl Author Icon
Reviewer: Taniuska Author Icon


Plot: Ruby has a killer headache and can’t wait to leave work, except a bunch of young guys come in and make trouble. Ruby has a vision, and it terrified her. When her relief comes in, she heads home only to bump into the guys again. But she uses her ability, which seems to come out of the blue since she never admits to having this ability, and deals with the guy who’s after her.
Style & Voice: Written in third person limited. Only one in stance of switching to omniscient narrator – see below for example
Scene/Setting: Well done. I could picture everything.
Characters: Ruby comes across as a strong female, who is off her game tonight since she has a horrible headache, but I like that she stands her ground to the guy from the SUV. I got the impression she was scared and panicked as the night rolled on. So nicely done.
Just My Personal Opinion: A good scene, and after reading this, I’d want to keep reading and find out more about her ability. I did feel that the ending scene with the guy coming out of the SUV could have been ramped up a bit. More fear from Ruby and more anger from the guy. Otherwise, this was pretty clean.
Line by Line


The long hand edged past the nine while the short hand tickled the beginning of the twelve. Nothing technically wrong with this, but considering the first sentence already talked about the clock, this sentence feels like too much detail. I’d suggest including the time in the first sentence for greater impact

Ruby slammed the cash drawer shut sending shockwaves through her aching head. Good way of showing us she has a terrible headache.

The back room door squeaky hinge broke her from her brief daydream. This sentence reads a bit awkward… just needs a slight tweak. Eg. The hinges from the back door screeched, reverberating inside her skull, and killed her daydreaming.

His cocked name badge displayed his dubious title of “Assistant Manager”.This could be more subtly conveyed, as it feels forced. Eg. As tempted as she was to straighten his ‘Assistant Manager’ badge, she resisted the urge.

Ruby’s face tinged pink and her eyes squinted Since we are in Ruby’s POV, how can she see her face has tinged pink? Missed opportunity to use senses here about heat capturing Ruby’s cheeks and how it make her feel.

“I better clean the counter. At least it’s something to do.” Would someone really talk to themselves, or would they think these things?

Ruby jerked away and dropped down under the counter.Good way to show us her panic and shock

Sam, where the hell are you? These guys are creeping me out. The clock chimed midnight. Good way to show us her worry.


He extended a bear-like hand toward her breasts and she stepped back. There’s no reaction to this from Ruby aside from stepping back. Surely she would feel uncomfortable and this guy has just crossed the line.

All our trust funds wouldn’t buy this little chickadeeI don’t see any young, rich guys saying something like this.. just seems odd.

Pain shot through her head and her eyes flew wide openJust curious how her eyes flew open, considering they were already open

He’s really going to kill me. When she thinks this, she should have some reaction to it, even if it’s chills covering her body.

Her hands shook with every step as she turned down Cravers Lane.Good show of her fear

Cheers
Tania
http://tfwalsh.wordpress.com
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Review of Wolf Girl  Open in new Window.
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi

Very cool intro to a girl in a loony bin because she's a werewolf... I'm surprised that her parents would place her there just because she broke a mirror on purpose.. would have liked to see her do something more... eg she used the mirror to cut herself... you probably tried to imply that, but it wasn't very clear.

I like what you have here - a short prose which tells us how the character feels, and it has a lot of promise. Can't wait to see where you take this.

The thirteen-year-old - by calling her this rather than using her name makes it sound like author intrusion... you can imply her age in more subtle ways... maybe something about only when she hits fourteen will she be allowed a room mate... one year to go... Just a thought.

Drop tags such as 'she thought' - we are in her POV hence we know everything is her thought.

The last line confuses me... not too sure what it's trying to say - I'd recommend changing it to show she feels haunted by her wolf.

Cheers
Tania
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Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi

I'm reviewing your fantasy story as part of the CSFS Anniversary (Birthday) Review and because you asked*Smile*

You have a unique premise and I really enjoyed it - riding snakes in a race is awesome. You're voice and dialogue are equally strong and I enjoyed getting to know your characters. The area you need to focus on and improve are character point of view (POV) which jumped all over the place - hence I found it difficult to follow in some places. Stick to one character's POV and show us what she / he sees only. I've found a few small things below, but once you tighten up the POV this will flow much easier and make a stronger read.

Line by Line


“Name?”
“Jaimen.”
“Age?”
“Eighteen.” right off that bat that fact that I have no idea who is asking the questions leaves me confused.. hence can I recommend adding the racemaster detail right up, but be careful readers don’t believe he is the main character
The stout, copper-haired racemaster peered up from his scroll. His eyes flicked briefly over the young rider.
add this to the previous sentence since it is part of it “Eighteen?” He lifted an eyebrow.
“Yes.”
The master’s bloodshot eyes lingered on the rider’s young, soft face, his gaze full of scrutiny. Finally, he turned back to his scroll. at this stage I am not too clear who’s POV you want the us to read from… from this paragraph we could be in either - if in the master’s head, he would not know his eyes are bloodstone, hence drop that description. If from the rider’s he would not think the man is staring at my soft face… so either way change the one whose POV we’re in

The rider dropped his gaze, inhaling slightly slightly is the wrong word here.. go with light. “My...”

He cleared his throat, digging the toe of his boot into the sand beneath his feet. this previous sentence puts us into the master’s POV

. POV change again to the racer But, the rider looked capable, dexterous. He could bring in a profit.

You know, Jaimen- if you’re going to live on the streets, eventually you must learn how to lie. as this is them sharing inner thoughts, and it is our first time reading this, explain to us that he heard her thoughts so we get it right away
I’m afraid you already are a miscreant, my dear... whether you choose to be or not. the inner thought is a good idea, but as a reader I’m having a bit of trouble flowing this easily

She saw she saw, used here and above is a passive term.. we are already in her head hence no need to say she saw.. a thorny iron lizard, a graceful chrome oryx, and a keen-eyed copper fox.
Gemstone-infused unamenti were very popular among the rich and noble. interesting details, but they are a bit lengthly and hence slows the story – are they necessary to your overall story plot? If not, cut it back to a few sentences only

Gods, it stinks in here. who is saying / thinking this?
It smells like you.

The giant was thicker than a horse, and at least twenty horses long. cool details Anouk frowned as she examined its condition.
Snake and rider love the concept entered their designated starting tunnels, stopping just before they reached the hot, high ceilinged spectators’ cavern.
The vibration of its rapidly undulating body beneath her legs made her lungs swell with exhilaration. Where is she sitting on the cobra again? Snakes slither from side to side hence would she not be thrown around a bit.. unless she’s on his’s upright neck, but that would not make the snake go as fast She smiled brilliantly beneath her cowl, and a breathless laugh escaped her.


Cheers
Tania
http://tfwalsh.wordpress.com
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Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate you and the beginning of your journey with Writing.com!


I'm selected your story to review as part of CSFS's elf raid, so I hope you find it helpful.

A fantasy battle is taking place and the protagonist is an awesome fighter, showing no weakness. She knows what she needs to do. I’d love to know why they are fighting, even if it is a small clue. You are very talented and write well, especially action scenes, which are generally hard to do. Just watch your over descriptions – simplicity can be more powerful. See my comments below. Strong story with a good hook.

Line by Line:
I was intoxicated with energy, drunken with adrenaline, good start up to here.. the rest is kind of confusing …maybe just go straight into your next sentence to show us what is happening and felt strangely as if I’d swallowed lightening. It flashed like fire through my veins, prickling rapidly along the underside of my skin like tiny, needle legged spiders. I savored its power, what you have so far in this paragraph is good – you’ve established something is happening to the protagonist and she is liking it… cool. We get the picture and question whether you need the rest of this paragraph, especially since it is a bit over the top… sometimes simplicity works much better let it surge savagely between the fibers of my tissues- my muscles sprang and darted lithely, and with deft precision; my thoughts became circumspect, my vision crystalline, my instincts unearthly and omnipotent...

Giddy laughter bubbled up out of my lungs; with a sword in my hand in the midst of battle, I was unstoppable. good time to inject some details on settings here… let us know he is surrounded by soldiers etc.. I think below is leaving it a bit late

A sharp stab, a swift kick; thunder erupted in the glutted clouds, boiling deeply through the blistering blackness. Fat raindrops exploded with metallic thumps on my thin, bluish armor, combining with spattered blood and rolling down my shoulders in cloudy, red streaks. With a sweep of flashing steel, I decapitated a soldier to my left, clawing at my long, dark hair as it whipped across my eyes; I took a moment to secure it. The wind was irritatingly tempestuous and unrelenting.

The sounds of battle struck my ears in a barrage of frightening percussions: the blast of a cannon, the thuwump! drop the ! of a catapult, the thunk of an arrow entering flesh. if he can hear the arrow entering flesh, she would need to be quite close to the victim…if that’s the case, show us the victim being shot maybe at the corner of his eyes Shields clattered against spears, swords against helmets; a fire crackled distantly from a mutilated warship as it sank into the bay. Soldiers shrieked as they were skewered, and horses screamed as boulders pounded the beach with deep, rumbling tremors. I occasionally added my own voice to the discord, bellowing orders and words of encouragement to the men. Ah, my boys! They fought a fearsome fight.

I jumped a man, slit his throat, stood and turned to face the sound of heavy footfalls. I looked up, blinked, and staggered backward. "Haha...! Wow." is he saying this? It just seems a bit out of context

Glistening with sweat, his tattooed skin shiny and pulled taut over a layer of tough fat, the beast towered over me with nine feet of lumpy, soiled bulk. He was bald and beady-eyed, with a very small head and a very big gut. An unfortunate combination. Yet despite his menacing enormity, the sight of him brought two words overwhelmingly to mind: cooked turkey. Like a hook-handed pirate, his right forearm was entirely gone just below the elbow, and in its place was- oddly enough -a long chained mace, and a BLOODY long chained mace at that. He gave a toothless smile. "Pretty girl!" he rumbled resonantly. ahhh so the protagonist is a girl… would have loved to know this up front as I guessed it was a guy

"Haha... ah." I inclined my head politely, my Litian kind and formal. "My dear friend," I smiled. "But I'm not nearly as pretty as you!"

He blinked, stupidly.

And then...

"'Ey!" I flattened myself against the ground as his mace careened heavily over me.

"That was very close!" I said. " And I applaud you!" I chuckled, panting, beaming up at him from the ground. He growled, irritated.

"You know, if you relaxed your wrist a little- whoa!" I rolled quickly to one side as he righted himself and swung again. "It would vastly improve your aim!" His fat mace was stuck in the sand; I straightened but didn't strike.

"Anyway, enough banter. Have you seen the king?" I crouched a little, shield forward, circling. "I need to give him something."

The beast finally wrenched his weapon out of the ground, and I leaped backwards to avoid his latest strike. "Give him what?!" he snarled, wild eyed and losing patience.

"A stomach piercing!" I twirled my sword then, grinning like a mischievous child.

He shook his head. "Funny girl." He panted heavily, roared, and took another swing.

I ducked. "And you're a funny man. Whoever told you maces were in fashion? Battle axes, my friend; they're the only way to go."

Suddenly- thuwump! I’d recommend starting the sentence with A whistle pierced the air behind me.. or something more powerful than Suddenly which is a bit cliche -a whistle pierced the air. I whipped around to discover a fiery boulder, hurtling toward us at a disquieting speed. Oh, gods... There wasn't much time. I turned to face the beast again.

He swung his mace above his head and brought it down with a roar. I dodged to the left. BOOM! The mace hit the sand. SCHINK! I plunged my sword through one of the chain links and into the ground, rolled out of the way, covered my head. The beast saw the approaching boulder, pulled at his mace, was stuck. He whimpered, bellowed, struggled against the sword, eyes wide, mouth agape, and then...!

Thunk! He was gone. And all that was left of him was one bloody, detached mace-arm.

"That poor behemoth." I plucked my quivering sword from the sand. "He had the worst luck with arms."

I turned to leap back into battle when suddenly...

Our eyes met.

Ah, your majesty, I thought, my feral grin widening. We meet at last.

Bruised, bloody, and soaked with rain, King Cauldebron veered his horse in my direction, sword raised. His eyes ignited, looking almost too blue against his blackened skin. My mind began calculating; he was maybe twenty feet away. A man charged forward to my left. Crunch! I sank an elbow into his nose, bent, plucked a knife from my boot.

Let’s level the playing ground, shall we?

FLICK!

The knife cartwheeled through the air and buried itself in his horse’s throat with a wet thunk. The animal reared up, eyes round and white with fear, and fell backward onto its rider.

“HA!”

I ducked, swung, felled a man at his knees and straightened, trembling with voracity as I watched the king kick his way out from under the horse. I clutched my sword now with both hands, bent slightly, coiled to spring. Cauldebron slashed wildly, cropping a path toward me through soldiers like a farmer with a scythe. But I was ready, had been ready. Yes, I was ready...

A shock of pain exploded through my arm, and I cried out. My knees jarred as I clutched at the hot, slippery wound and struck out at the brave little soldier who’d taken advantage of my distractedness. He crumbled to the ground.

“Ah!” I stared at the blood that bathed my trembling fingers...

And what happened next...
...Took less than a second.

Cheers
Tania
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5
5
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

A wonderful tale of a young child having one of his dreams fulfilled. I enjoyed the journey and you had some beautiful details. The only thing I’m not sure about was the purpose of his trip? The story has a beginning, a middle but no ending… Give us a reason or morale to end the story, otherwise it seems to go nowhere. You have a strong concept here, and just a bit more work is needed to complete it*Smile*

We are also told he is the favored child, but why? I think by giving the reader small reasons for each of these, will make the read a more satisfying one.

Can’t wait to read more of your stories.

Cheers
Tania


It was Christmas Eve and young Johnathan was in a trance as he stared at the beautiful array of stars twinkle like diamonds through his window. He didn't blink and was as happy as he could be, in his own imagination. Year after year he would stare at the delete ‘the’ them in anxious excitement. He would wish for something that he had wished for since he remembered his earliest Christmas. His dream was to go the place where the stars made their home in the dark sky. would love to know why he has this dream? It sounds like he wants to get away from something in his life? If so, let us know, as it deepens his character


"Is there anyway to get where they are?" he whispered with his elbows on his open window sill. Johnathan was sleepy and time for him to lay down. He gave a sigh and was about to shut his window and lay down when he saw something curious. A star was flickering and appeared to expand and move. It grew brighter as it descended from the sky.

With wide eyes and a racing heart, he called his mother. "Mom, mom! Come here! Something's in the sky!"

"OK ok should always be spelled out…Okay Johnathan;I hear you", she replied with no happiness. She walked up the stairs at a slow pace to his room.

"Up there! Look," he exclaimed while pointing.

His mother walked towards Johnathan's window I would end here as the rest is already implied and looked. "Son, I know how much you like to make believe, but it's past your bedtime,"she said sternly rather than rely on an adverb, describe her voice or tone.

"But, mom, can't you see it?! this is not right… either have ! or ? " he said baffled.

"Johnathan, that's enough. The sooner you go to bed, the sooner you'll wake up to presents. Lay down."

The star was moving closer to his house and Johnathan didn't understand his mother's reaction. She frowned impatiently, marched to the window, closed it and shut two drapes decked with glow in the dark stars. Johnathan's mother took his hand and showed him to bed. Without a word, she closed the door after her. Johnathan's go with His here since you are repeating Jonathan too often in this paragraph heart and mind still raced. He listened for his mom to walk down the stairs then ripped of his covers to open his window and was full of wonder at the sight. The bright object was man-like from Johnathan's view and was coming closer to him. A shining being gracefully came to Johnathan and spoke with a gentle voice.

"Hello blessed child. My name is Trophimus. I have come to grant you the wish you desire. I am an angel from heaven and you are highly favored. It is for this reason that I have come to you",the magnificent angel spoke.

Johnathan's whole room was illuminated with Trophimus' brightness and the fortunate child was filled with joy mingled with fear at his presence. Johnathan was speechless. perfect opportunity to describe the being, rather than just saying he is bright… what is he wearing? Hair? Etc

"Come, take my hand and I will show you the wonders of the heavens."

Johnathan saw the peace in Trophimus eyes that filled the boy with trust." Trophimus took his hand gently and Johnathan was filled with a wonderful feeling. He lifted off the floor, through the window with the angel leading. Johnathan smiled with tears of joy as he flew higher. He admired the tops of the buildings that looked like a maze of blocks and dominoes from above. Surrounded by clouds he was invigorated, and inhaled. The moisture cooled his face with pleasant dew.

The clouds now floated below as the angel took him farther from earth . They were passing the stratosphere to space. In a flash of light Johnathan was met by a myriad of angels on what appeared to be a blue glowing surface of glass. His heart throbbed with elation. It was beyond words or anything he could have imagined.

"Wow. Am I dreaming?"Johnathan was overwhelmed. "It's like being on a floating castle",he said taking in the magnificent architecture of pillars , archways, doors, and pathways all glowing like burnished silver. The whole structure hovered over a blanket of clouds rumbling with fire and lightning.

"This is the celestial temple. The abode of the heavenly hosts of God."Trophimus explained.

Johnathan was enraptured. He scanned the temple in awe until seeing a door engraved with stars and planets made of crystal. Describe the temple to us, as a reader we want to explore what the character does…

"That door. Wow! What's inside of it?",he said.

Trophimus smiled at the boy and spoke. "It leads to another world, very much like your own. But there is much more to be explored in the temple. Come, I have something to show you."

Johnathan followed Trophimus and looked at the multitude of angels. Some moved up and down a spiraling staircase that descended into what looked like a shimmering lake that reflected a beautiful cathedral. It was in a grove filled with golden sunlight.

He looked in the direction where he was walking. They approached an altar of brass with blue flame that burned on it's surface. At the base of the altar, there were four molded creatures. They looked like winged lions with two horns and each had a crown that burned with red stones.

"This altar burns with the prayers and wishes of children. When you wished to explore the stars, your heart and soul were more earnest and innocent than any other child's. So powerful was your prayer that the flames suddenly burst upward.

Come closer",said Trophimus beckoning with his hand.

Johnathan didn't know how to react. He was in a trance. Coming to, he obeyed.

"Put your hand over the flames."

"Won't I get burned?", Johnathan saw the peace in Trophimus' eyes that filled the boy with trust. As he put his of his this is a bit confusing here.. hand over the altar, he saw many children mentally along with their thoughts and wishes. He didn't understand what he did but he just seemed to know. Johnathan withdrew his hand.

"We must make haste before your sun is risen. There is still a little more I have to show you," the angel said.

"Johnathan,",he said as he stopped and looked sternly at Johnathan. "For what I'm going to show you next, you must be brave and trust me," he said as he put his hands on Johnathan's shoulders.

"Why? Is it something bad?"

"With someone like your mom it would be bad-even overwhelming-but your innocence and faith will protect your mind from what you're about to witness. I will be with you too."

The shining angel lead him to another door. There was something ominous about it. It did not shine like the rest of the temple. It was made of solid granite that was dark and plain.

"Hold my hand," said Trophimus.

The door cracked open. Yelling mixed with thunder and clashing metal filled Johnathan's ears. It grew louder and what was behind the door started to come into view.

"I..I..I..don't know. It looks scary,"Johnathan stuttered.

"Johnathan," the angel spoke with gentleness and peace.

He pulled away and looked into the shinning face of Trophimus. Fear left him and he felt calm. The door opened wider and they walked through. It was more powerful and compelling than anything he had seen. It was horrific! Angels. Countless angels riding flying chariots and wielding swords of flame. They all yelled with voices like trumpets. The chariots rushed with echoing thunder. The pandemonium of shinning warriors lit up the darkness. The warfare was rapid as swords flashed back and forth, sending out lightening as they clashed. The two were floating.

"This is where spiritual wars happen. We gain power from the prayers of the faithful. But the world is full of darkness and we are losing the battle for Earth." nice

"You mean the bad guys are winning?",he said frowning with dismay in his eyes that sparkled with innocence.

"It would seem that way dear child",he said as he knelt and put his hands on the wary child's shoulders. "Remember though; this is just one scene in a bigger story where everything has been written. God will have won in the end even with this horrible fighting you have seen. Do you understand?"

"I...I...I think so." Johnathan's could here the timidity in his own voice and he trembled.

"Let us depart then",Trophimus said at last.

Johnathan sighed as they turned around and went back through the door away from the violence. They were on the beautiful glowing glass and Johnathan spoke. "Why did you make me watch that?", he said.

"Just like seeing the good things in life you must also go through the bad times too,"the angel spoke. "There is one more place I have to show you. Remember asking me about the glass door that I said leads to another world?"

"Oh yeah! Are we going to go there!?"

"Yes. We'll go together. We must not tarry too long there though. Your mother will expect you to be home in the morning to unwrap your gifts. Come now."

They hurried to the door that seemed more beautiful as Johnathan looked at it. Trophimus waved his hand and it started to open. It sounded like singing wind chimes to Johnathan. A serene forest with leaves of gold appeared. The sun was like a blue diamond that shone with a peacefulness. It reminded Johnathan of the color of lighting. nice descriptions

He stared at a formation of flying creatures in the sky with immovable amazement. "Are those dragons!?"

"Yes they are. Those bird-like lions under that tree are called griffins. There are many animals and things here that are not on Earth."

"Why not?"

"This a world without sin or wickedness. It is perfect. Earth was like this. When the first humans sinned in a place called Eden extinction happened. Over time sickness and death destroyed them."


"That's sad. Can I bring one home with me!?,"he said jubilantly with anxious expectation.

Trophimus laughed. "No, dear one. Will a ride on the back of a dragon be enough?"

"Really!" Johnathan's face lit up with a wonderful smile. "That one right there,"he said as he pointed.
feels like something is missing here… how did he get onto the creature? Did it approach them?
Words couldn't have described how he felt as he held it's horns flying through the wind with unbridled joy. As he beheld the wonders of this fairytale world, time passed quickly and somehow he knew that he would one day live forever in a place like this. It may be far off, but he believed in his heart that he would one day call heaven his home. The dragon landed and he dismounted. Johnathan knew it was almost time to go home. There was so much he wanted to see but time was short.

"Johnathan,"Trophimus said.

He looked down at the ground. "I know. I won't forget you Trophimus. I know I'll see you again,"he said with a single tear on his cheek. the single tear is a bit cliché… why not just say his eyes glistened…

The two joined hands again and the rumbling clouds bellow parted and they descended. A bright light flashed and he suddenly saw the Earth beneath. They floated down through beautiful clouds of pink, red, and purple hues made by the rising sun. They approached his window and he entered. It was time for the final goodbye.

"You are beloved by God and you will grow to be a righteous, prosperous and influential man. That's all I can say. Enjoy your Christmas favored child. Goodbye."

"Goodbye Trophimus. I wish I could have stayed longer,"Johnathan said.

The same way he came to him, the same way Trophimus left. The angel hovered, then slowly soared up and away towards his heavenly abode to the rest of the angels until he fainted out of view.

What else did I not see? Will I ever visit heaven again? Will I remember this when I'm older? Would anyone believe me if I told them?Johnathan mused over these things. He felt thanks in his heart and knew that he had received the greatest gift he would ever get.

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6
6
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi

I like the premise of this story – very creepy. The beginning needs a bit more credibility built into it from the protagonist’s POV – see my comments below. I would have liked a bit more closeness with the character… didn’t really get to know them too well, hence didn’t feel the suspense… this can be fixed by adding a few snippets of the character’s thoughts, why are they collecting the leaves etc. Otherwise, I enjoyed this piece.

The sun stood high in the sky, but under the thick canopy of leaves the daylight only managed to brighten the forest to a permanent twilight. Insects and owls sang out all around. To really grab your reader’s attention, better not to open up with scenery in the first sentence, unless you have the character shown to be in that scene... Hence why not combine the next sentence and the first ones? Nicoli couldn't help but turn his head at every rustle of leaves or creak of dead trees. He hadn't wanted to come - rumor was anyone that entered never returned - but James, Peter, and Cameron called him chicken as they traversed don’t feel this is the right word here, considering the above uses more basic language of the protagonist the thick brush into the wood. He had no choice but to follow. To make us believe he really had no choice, play up the fact that he was teased / taunted more by his friends, hence why he was forced to go through with it

Peter stopped suddenly and Nicoli walked right into him. He turned his head to the side. The others stopped after a few more steps and looked to Peter.

"Hey, what's the deal?" Cameron said.

Peter shook his head. "I heard something. Sounded like a woman singing."

The others looked in the same direction Peter did. The crickets and hoots quieted as if to allow the boys a closer listen. But no one heard the sound. James laughed. "Pete, stop messing around. Dale said we needed to get a black leaf each from the white barked dogwood in the middle of the forest. We only have 'til sundown."

Nicoli frowned and adjusted his jean jacket with a sharp tug. "Let's just get this over with. Alright?" He gave Peter's shoulder a shove to set him moving and they set off again.

The trees loomed over them, seeming to shift closer. The branches reached toward them, grabbing for their faces.nice details But they trudged onward. A cold wind raced through the branches, surrounding the boys with groans and creaks that stalled them in their tracks. Nicoli thought he heard the soft, beautiful voice of a female.

Something moved just to the side of the group, a flash of silvery blue catching Cameron's eye. "Guys, did you see that?"

The group stopped once more. Everyone looked around. "Come on," James urged and started to walk ahead.

The others followed, except for Nicoli who continued to glance around. Something silvery blue and flowing whipped quickly past his peripheral and he spun to try to see it better. He spun again, finally realizing he stood alone. Nicoli couldn't remember which direction he was headed or which he came from and turned once more hoping to hear his friends walking. His breath caught in his throat.

A lean, porcelain skinned woman stood close to him. Her silvery blonde hair glistened in the twilight as she caught his eyes with her own silvery gems. He couldn't look away as she moved closer. The warmth of her lithe body pressed against his own and he could feel her skin beneath the thin silk of her gossamer dress. Her lips parted ever so slightly as her eyes searched his face.

Nicoli couldn't breathe, staring at the face of a woman so beautiful. Her lips curled into a smile. A dark look glistened in her eyes before her lips brushed against his neck.

the above paragraph started with Nicoli... try to vary them Nicoli gasped at the sensation. He didn't see her lips part more or the elongated canines. The sharp pinch when she bit him hurt. But after a moment, as her tongue ran over the wound while she drank, the pain washed away. The woman's hands slid over his body, one slid to his back to brace him tighter against her body as the other ran through his short hair to hold his head just right. A chill settled over him, slowly halting his breaths until his world went black.



The woman licked the corner of her mouth; she wanted to savor every drop. this reads like head jumping – in fact the rest of the paragraph has jumped into her head.. just seems a bit sudden and jarring Her gaze drifted away from the body toward the inner sanctum of the forest. Three other strapping young men had come into the forest as well. She hummed a sweet little melody she remembered from centuries before as she glided away from the colorless body. Though her stomach would no longer growl, her throat burned from thirst.

Cheers
Tania


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7
7
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi

A good start to your story and I do hope you continue as this is an intriguing beginning. I want to see what happened to Brina (nice name btw).

Brina comes across as a strong character who is independent, but there is a vulnerability about her – about the parents she never knew. I’d like to get to know her better. Setting could do with a few more details to help us visualize the locations better.

This has much potential and I liked it… though a bit of tightening of the sentence structures would really help this piece. Below are some of the things I found needing some work, otherwise this has much potential.

Line by Line

She had always told Ana that she loved the rain, and, for the most part, it was true. It was beautiful to watch. The sound of it was calming, and the scent it carried never failed to refresh her. However, today she could have done without the rain. The zipper to her battered book-bag finally gave out, and now she was faced with a good walking distance made uncomfortable by having to try to protect the books she carried beneath her coat. Previous sentence it is a bit long, chop it to maybe two shorter ones for greater impact Still, home was only a few blocks away, and she could manage until then.

Though there were many ways to her house, certainly more popular ones curious… what makes a path more popular? Does it go past the shops? Another school? Etc… let us know, Brina always took the same path. She had heard somewhere that this was a bad idea; any sign of a habit was a good way to get mugged in a big city. But Brina, who was athletic with short brown hair that was hard to get a hold of, considered herself to be well protected, and fully capable of dealing with any trouble.previous sentence needs some a bit of work. The description part sounds like author intrusion… and why does she consider herself well protected?.. give a few details for the reader to also understand

Besides, she loved this present tense – maybe here path. The trees pressed in on either side as if trying to get a good look of the passersby. There was always a sense of peace and a hint of mystery, probably owing to the cemetery halfway down the road.

That was the other reason she loved this that path, she thought as she paused at the gates.sentence seems incomplete… Maybe just start with ‘She paused at the gates. The rest of the previous sentence isn’t needed Every headstone had a story. As intriguing as she found them, however, Brina was much more interested in the mourners. Some, of course, simply stood at the grave of those they knew and cried. But others could be seen sitting alongside the headstones, talking to them as if they were alive and able to listen.

Why Brina was so interested in these people, she couldn't really explain.previous sentence is a bit awkward… simply reword for easier flow She guessed that it was because she had lost someone too. She nor anyone else had ever known her parents. previous sentence does not read well…Maybe…She had no idea who her parents were. It seemed no-one else did either… or something much better She had no pictures, nor even clues to tell whether or not she looked at I think a word is missing here..’like’ all like them. The orphanage told her that they had found her stranded not sure ‘stranded is the right word here… sounds like she was standing in the road, lost… but if she was wrapped in a blanket I get the impression she was in a basket as a baby..next to a road with nothing but the blanket she was wrapped in.

The lack of knowledge of her birth parents had ceased to be a wound to Brina a long time ago. She now had Ana, a widow who had taken her in a few years back, and Brina had come to understand that she may never know who her parents were. Now, it was more of a fanciful adventure to her - acted out when she was alone in a dark room...or seeing those who knew the stories of the lost, like those at the cemetery.

Giving herself a little shake, Brina turned to continue walking home. The rain wasn't letting up, and Ana would be angry if she came home late again.

But something caught her eye as she started to turn away. Near the gates to the cemetery to her left was a...well she didn't really know what it was. It was a spherical object about two inches in diameter hovering about two feet from the ground. The interior was so disorienting it was hard to focus on. Brina edged closer to get a better look, barely feeling the rain as it started to beat harder. An inch away from the thing, Brina still couldn't make it out.

“What the...” She muttered, stretching her finger toward it.

With a loud bang, the wind picked up to hurricane speed, and the thing expanded until it was larger than the trees. Brina, caught off guard by the sudden force, fell straight into it. nice…. Show the wind sucking her into the portal

Cheers
Tania
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8
8
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi,

I noticed you had your story in the review section and it caught my eye.

An unexpected ending… it had a wonderfully good feel about it, and out of something bad the brothers became closer. Really nice. I enjoyed your short story, the premise is intriguing. I think a bit more tightening of the writing and avoiding to tell the story will make this story ever greater. I have pointed out below some of the areas where you relied on telling us what happened, instead of showing. This unfortunately means the reader does not share the moment with the character or gets as close to the character as you would want.

Thanks for sharing.

It was a story I had never told anyone. I was twelve-years-old at the time and my brother, Tom, was ten. I had gotten into an argument with him earlier that day. You see, we used to be inseparable, but I had made new friends, older friends, and it wasn't cool to have your little brother tagging along. Besides, he was too young to be doing what we were doing, which was gawking at girls all day. He didn't even like girls. intro paragraph is a bit slow.. you want this to grab the reader’s attention….Maybe rather then tell us what happened, have a small scene showing the Tom screaming as his brother to go away. Hence he gets in trouble for his from his parents… and he goes to his bedroom.. just a thought

After our big fight that evening, Mom sent us to our rooms. I angrily slammed my door and he angrily slammed his. I fell asleep.

I had a dream that night. I was standing next to a tree, and there were more all around me. I was at the top of a hill and from where I was standing to the horizon I saw nothing but green. The sun was high in the sky and the warmth was comforting. The air about me smelled fresh and wonderful.Give more descriptions on the smells.. if trees are all around him, the smells would be woody, pine etc The sounds What are these sounds? Remember show don’t tell around me, the trees blowing in the wind, the birds chirping, running water from a nearby creek, were peaceful and relaxing.again telling… show us he feels relaxed with his mannerisms, his behaviors

Tom suddenly appeared next to me, and I cringed. He couldn't even leave me alone in my dreams.did he know he was in a dream whilst in the dream? Only reason I ask is because I’ve never thought I was in a dream, while I was in a dream.. does that make sense? We began walking in silence. He took my hand. I pulled it away. He put some space between us.

We entered a field and the sight before me made my jaw drop. Dozens of kids were littered across the expanse. Many were playing, some were sitting in the grass, others slept, but all had smiles on their faces. There was laughter around me.describe this… eg. Laughter danced on the wind etc etc..also how did this make him feel? A smile was now on my brother's face as well. He ran ahead and made a beeline to a familiar face.

Tom's friend Joe was playing Red Rover with a bunch of other kids. I had watched from a distance as my brother also began to play. I looked around and realized that I was the oldest person in the field. Most seemed to be my brother's age. All of this seemed too strange. It didn't even feel like a dream. My attention returned to my brother as he and Joe approached me, followed by a boy I didn't recognize.

“What is this place?” I asked Joe.

“I don't know,” he responded. “I just got here myself. Ask Michael.” He gestured to the boy that had joined them.

“It's just a place where kids like us can play,” Michael told me.

“What am I doing here then?” I asked. “I'm not a kid.”

“You are too a kid!” Tom snapped. “Just because you're twelve now doesn't mean you're not a kid anymore.”

I was about to argue back, but a bell interrupted me. In the distance, I saw a woman in a white dress, but she quickly disappeared through the trees on the other side of the field.

“What's going on?” I asked. “Who was that woman?”

“That was Clarissa. We have to go,” Michael answered. “It's going to get dark, and we've played long enough.”

“Where are we going?” Tom spoke up.

“It's time for us to eat,” Michael said. “Then Clarissa is going to tell us stories.”

“Really?!” Joe said, excited. “I love stories!”

“Me too,” Tom agreed. He, Joe, and Michael began walking towards the trees that the woman disappeared in. Already other children were entering the dark forest. Something definitely wasn't right. I ran up to Joe and Tom and grabbed them each from behind, using their shirts to yank them in the opposite direction.

“You're not going,” I told them.

“What do you mean?!” Joe asked angrily. “Yes we are!”

“It could be dangerous,” I said. “I can't let you kids do this. We're going back to the place I was when I first got here.”

“No!” Joe screamed. He kicked me in the knee. I yelped and my grip slackened. Joe twisted himself away and he and Michael ran ahead to the other side of the field and vanished into the trees.sentence structure is a bit awkward… I’d suggest breaking it into two

Tom struggled against my grip, but he knew better than to hit me. I wrapped my hand around his wrist and pulled him back the way we had come before. His cries drowned out the pleasant sounds of the trees, birds, and water. I hadn't noticed it before, but the sun was beginning to dip below the horizon. I didn't know what was going to happen once the sun set. I did know that we had to hurry.

Finally, we reached the tree. The color around me was rapidly fading. Everything was turning from green to gray. I think even Tom had noticed because he had stopped squirming and had a frightened look on his face. We stood facing the tree, looking for something, anything that would get us out of there. Then I noticed that while the color around me was fading, the tree stood there as vibrant as ever. Tom and I looked at each other and nodded. We reach out our hands and touched the tree.

I woke up with a start. My alarm blared, and I quickly hopped out of bed. I felt tired. It was as if I hadn't gotten any sleep at all. I opened the door to my room and Tom was in the hallway looking like a zombie himself. An understanding passed between the two of us.

Later that day we discovered that Tom's friend Joe had gone missing. Guilt cut through my stomach. Joe was never seen again, I would end the sentence here. The next line is a bit like author intrusion… maybe rather than say this, imply it by having Joe ask Tom to go outside and play.. this in itself will imply this without telling us.. in fact the rest is then almost not needed and I never yelled at my brother again. I had come so close to losing him, and I got a taste of how painful it would be if I did. And though I made an effort to play with my brother every day, we never spoke of the dream. If it had even been a dream...


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Cheers
Tania
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9
9
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi,

I’m reviewing your story as it caught my interest – I love all things vamps*Smile*

plotVan Helsing is on the hunt for a vamp, but when he finally tracks it down the vamp vanishes. I think a bit more insight as to why he is hunting them down will move the plot along, as well as provide a purpose for Van Helsing’s actions. I know most people know who Van Helsing are, but this is your spin, so give more details on his rationale.

setting This needs a bit more addition, as at times I found it hard to visualize the locations. Also don’t forget your 5 senses…

characters Van Helsing is on a mission to destroy all vamps… I’d like to see more of his anger and what drives him to do this…

my personal view The premise of the story is intriguing and has much potential. With a bit of tightening of the writing, the story will be stronger. I will jump into chp 2 shortly.

Blood Feud ~ Prologue


Small Transylvanian Village Sounds a bit vague… would be stronger if you used an actual village name, making the start more powerful… a quick search will reveal many towns dotted along Transylvania…just googled this quickly and discovered a huge earthquake hit Transylvania in Oct 1880. Weaving some real historical facts into your story always a story a wow factor

1880

Even though daylight was fading, Gabriel VanHelsing couldn’t shirk his duty.What is his duty? Give us a clue To falter for an instant could mean certain death … or rather undeath not sure if that is a word… I could be wrong..Also not sure what you mean by this sentence… are you saying he is already dead? Maybe just clarify if you are referring to him or the vampires. The lifeless bastard he sought would run if he gave him a chance. It had to be done now. Tonight. Vampires simply could not be allowed free reign.
The door to the wretched inn was barred. The small stone building was normally open at all hours. Usually a center for the locals, it seemed too quiet. Where was the tavern keeper or perhaps the local whores that frequented here? Good set up with establishing the setting, however a bit more is needed. He had cornered the son of a dog all right. I’m not too sure what you mean by this line… has he traped a vamp inside the inn?
It wasn’t a place for high society he thought I would end the sentence here. Maybe then he laughed to himself or smiled laughingly. Certainly Lord Lucian wouldn’t find the accommodations too comfortable. He Clarify who ‘he’ is… you just spoke of Lord Lucian and then say he.. it sounds like you are referring to him. Also where did he get the axe from? Maybe show us earlier on that he is holding an axe used an axe to gain entrance through the plain, wood plank door. It splintered after two good swings. The sound was quite satisfying after Gabe’s lack of luck recently. rather than telling, show us what the sound was like, let the reader experience it too
Only two nights before, Gabe had forced his way into Valenko Keep. His Damned Lordship’s historical home would welcome him no longer. Not with blessed holy water spoiling his resting place. He only wished he’d been able to find Lucian Velenko’s very own crypt.
clarify who this is and what he’s doing… again confusing following the previous sentence His worn riding boots sounded sharply on the floor. He couldn’t take the time to pull them off and rolled more onto his toes. The bloodless bastard would know he was here anyway. There was no use in trying to disguise his entrance, though he did so out of habit. He prayed he had enough daylight left to finish the thankless task.
At 45, Gabe was still at the top of his game. Under his linen tunic and cotton breeches his well-muscled body responded to every request. He still captured quite a lot of attention from the women, even if his clothes were rough and his long hair needed tied back with a leather thong to keep it out of the way.while good background information, sounds like author intrusion. Like the author has stopped the story to give us Gabe’s background. I would sprinkle some of these throughout the story where you can as Gabe’s thoughts instead – if you feel they are necessary of course
The last 10 years spent hunting these damned bloodsuckers gave him an odd perspective to the game. Humans could win. There wasn’t any choice. Armed with an axe, wooden stake, and the silver crucifix at his throat, he went in search of the cellar. good details, let us know them earlier in the piece
He found the steep stone stairs. It was darker down here and Gabe stopped to light a torch. The darkness would only serve to aid the son of a dog. so far you’ve named the vamp many different vile names, but why not just say what he is? The vampire… the head vampire… He was certain Lucian would see well enough. VanHelsing only hoped that the vampire’s conceit worked against him. Overconfidence on Lucian’s part could keep Gabe alive. previous sentence seems awkward… I wonder if its needed?
The smell alone was enough to announce the undead. It was not unpleasant. It was dark, musty, and different. How different? Give more descriptions Part warm earth and burned ozone after a lightening strike. The essence surrounded him like a lover who had overstayed their welcome. This was certainly his lair.
“VanHelsing, I’ve asked you to leave.” The deep voice warned. The sound managed to swell and fill every crevice in the basement without being loud. The demon himself was awake and ready for a welcome. Daylight be damned, it seemed the sun was low enough for the vampire to be prepared.
“I don’t take orders from you.” Gabe answered. Still on the steps, he couldn’t yet see the foe. But it was certain Valenko Who is Valenko? I thought he was seeing Lucian could see him. In his years hunting the creatures they never ceased to amaze, as well as sicken him. These monsters were nearly unstoppable. Fear froze his blood. Give a small snippet as to why? Did they hunt down children from the village and eat them?
As it always did, a lump formed in his throat. He fought the anxiety, making his body make use of the extra strength the adrenaline gave him.previous sentence is a bit awkward…simplicity is sometimes best. Eg.Anxiety wedged in his throat like an oversized rock refusing to budge. His pulse coursed through his veins at a terrifying speed, and he used the adrenaline to his advantage… or something much better of course. Some night one of these lifeless devils could take him. Gabe prayed this wasn’t that night.
Valenko arose then, from a small pit in the far corner. He floated to hang from the ceiling.hard to visualize this…where was he initially… lying in a crypt? Also, not sure float is the right word…sounds too dainty for the vamp… He was larger than life cliché and seemed to fill the entire space. Hellish and beautiful, he glared down at VanHelsing.
“You still should have listened. Leave me some peace. There is little enough of it.” He hissed.
“And why would that change what I need to do?”
“You refuse to listen.” Valenko snarled.
“You and your kind can not be allowed to continue.” VanHelsing announced, fighting to keep his control. rather than tell, show us… is he stepping closer, gripping the axe with both hands..
“I will merely move. Fool! After nearly 300 years, do you believe I haven’t learned?” The demon asked.
In a heartbeat, he’d disappeared. Smoke funneled past VanHelsing and up out of the cellar. He was gone. This demon spawn was like so much mist in the air.previous sentence is a bit awkward…re-word He was as out of reach as one’s own future.
The frustration was nearly unbearable. Anger built inside VanHelsing until he couldn’t stand it. He let out a bellow of pain and anger. The battle was over without him ever having a chance. The war, he felt, would rage on for perhaps eternity. I liked his frustrating ending


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Cheers
Tania
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10
10
Review of RIDE THE WIND  Open in new Window.
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Sherri

I loved this poem as I tried to visualise what it referred to. Was it the wind or an angel itself looking down on people blowing kisses on them.

It has a warm feeling to it and congrats on getting 2nd place in the contest with it.

Cheers
Tania

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Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Sherri

Wow that has left me with tears streaming down my face. You have a way of beautifully capturing emotion in your words and descriptions and even in this simple recollection of the hardest time in your life, I melted into the events taking place.

Even though sad, I am so glad you have shared this and what I took out of this most, is the wishing to spend more time with loved ones while we have the time....:)

Take Care
Tania

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Review of How We Miss Him!  Open in new Window.
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Sherri

A very moving poem and the raw emotions experienced by the mother pours of your words. This is such a difficult topic and you have approached it delicately without giving us any details. Just like the parents, we can only image the horrible things that the child might have experienced.

Nicely done.

Cheers
Tania
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Review of Dry  Open in new Window.
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi

A very well written piece. I think the length works well and gives us as much details as we need to set the scene. We are shown a young woman who is struggling to write her column and seems to have almost given up on life all together. You have given us her inner thoughts and this helps further establish her emotions to the reader. I only have one question where I was a bit confused: who rang her at the end that made her throw the phone? Maybe I missed it earlier on in the story.

Cheers
Tan

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14
14
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review of : Vladimir and Sorcha Meet Again
Author : Serenity

Hi,

This was a well written chapter and the intensity was nicely established. We are really starting to see a stronger side to Sorcha and before long she will probably be controlling Ronan. I am beginning to like her very much. Also a good ending, showing that there is more to come from Vladimir.

"“Actually I would mind, so why don’t we leave the unpleasantness for the end of our visit and get down to the terms of releasing our pet, Riker.” Ronan shot back equally as neutral."


Cheers
Tan

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15
15
Review of Scapegoat  Open in new Window.
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Review of : Scapegoat
Author : Mantis

Hi,

A very unique story and written from such different angles, it gives the reader varied perspectives on the situation and the character.

You also slowly reveal events that had already taken place, allowing the reader to start piecing together what had happend. The reminising back on guilty memories is well done.

I became a little confused only with the last sentence, not quite understanding what you mean by 'return the challenge'?

Reviews and recommendations given are simply my suggestion, so feel free to ignore them if they do not fall in line with the direction you are taking your writing.


Cheers
Tan

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16
16
Review of Tenebrae  Open in new Window.
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review of : Tenebrae
Author : Hallgerd

Hi Hallgerd,

What an unexpected ending, but I absolutely loved it. You have a way with describing what is taking place in your story so vividly that you almost feel you can smell the stench of the prison.

Once I read the story, I felt I wanted to read it again to see the hints you gave away from the beginning of what was happening and who the sisters were - vampires.

I could not find anything I would recommend to change. Well done, this was a wonderful read.

Cheers
Tan

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17
17
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review of : Chapter 1 - The Call
Author :Everyday Hero

Hi,

Your introduction paragraph works wonderfully. From the beginning the reader is pulled into the story and their emotions already flaring. I suppose it is the thought of being in that situation and everyone could relate to the fear.

The story as a whole is quite a tear-jerker, and allows the reader to see and feel what it is like for the soldiers and families asked to go to war. I thoroughly enjoyed this and definately want to read more, so please tell me once you have more put up on your port.

"Noah was a Transportation Officer, which was a hot commodity, as was military truck drivers, referred to “88 Mikes”, as 88M was the military code for truck drivers. These were the soldiers that would travel up and down the roads of Iraq delivering fuel, food, water, and ammunition to the front lines. Problem is, there was no more “front-lines”. " I find this sentence very much 'matter of fact' and detracts from the flow of the story. Perhaps somehow incorporating it better into the structure and flow of the story it would not be so distracting.

coddled = cuddled

Reviews and recommendations given are simply my suggestion, so feel free to ignore them if they do not fall in line with the direction you are taking your writing.


Cheers
Tan

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18
18
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of : Flowers and Stones
Author : Lorien~computer virused!

Hi Lorien

Was this story based on true events. The style of writing suggests a personal re-collection from a time in the narrator's life. Either way it was written well.

The ending was sad with her remembering the good times she had in other countries and the touching funeral she encountered. The details really help this section blossom. Now her life is normal and almost boring, but she has accepted this.

I almost feel like this story needs something else to make it stronger. As is, it tells a story but it does not pull you in. Maybe more personal thoughts and details might help here.

Reviews and recommendations given are simply my suggestion, so feel free to ignore them if they do not fall in line with the direction you are taking your writing.


Cheers
Tan

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19
Review of Highway to Hell  Open in new Window.
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review of : Highway to Hell
Author : Everyday Hero

Hi,

You tell this story with a constant feeling of unease in the air, which is great as this is what happened to you and now the reader feels like they can share part of it. I felt the story ending abrutly and quickly and as a reader I wanted to keep reading and know what happens next. Do they find this woman? Are you planning on expanding this story?

I really cannot image what it would be like to have gone to war. You must have some very interesting stories to tell.

"As our convoy rolled, I admired the beauty of the land and the surprising amount of palm trees,(perhaps instead of 'and' try 'I stared..) and staring at each intently to see if someone is hiding behind it."

Reviews and recommendations given are simply my suggestion, so feel free to ignore them if they do not fall in line with the direction you are taking your writing.


Cheers
Tan

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20
20
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Review of : DAGRHI - Prologue
Author :Lоn NoWri- 15.8k +52 RV

Hi Lon,

A very captivating prologue and sets up the plot beautifully. I especially liked the ending where we are told a young girl has survived but her whereabouts unknown. My only question was if she has none of the race's frailties, what were these in the first place. Maybe a bit more detail can be given about the Drex race to understand what is unique about them or different.

Look forward to reading more.

Reviews and recommendations given are simply my suggestion, so feel free to ignore them if they do not fall in line with the direction you are taking your writing.


Cheers
Tan

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21
21
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of : An Educated Housewife
Author : Carol

Hi Carol,

A really good story, of a young women in India who through an arranged marriage realises her life is unfulfilling and her role is life is simply to feed and love her children and husband. Nothing else. A very emotional story. It is quite interesting, because as a westerner we look at such cases and feel sorry for the women, but in many instances the women want their life like that. Anyway in your story Sakshi does not and that makes the story work stronger.

Plot and Setting:
The story extends over most of Sakshi's life but ends mid life. It feels like this story could be extended almost to the end of her life, just as the story began to show the overall feel and snapshot of her life. This might also help the story more powerfully capture the sadness of her life.

Characters:
Sakshi is such a lovely character but also very sad at the life she is leading. You have established her very well and I really like the voice you have used for her. She is so understanding even though she is not doing what she wants in life. Her husband is definately not very nice or supportive of what she wants to do.

Reviews and recommendations given are simply my suggestion, so feel free to ignore them if they do not fall in line with the direction you are taking your writing.


Cheers
Tan

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22
22
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review of : Different and Cool- Part 1
Author : RisanF
Reviewer : Taniuska

Hi,

A great start to the story and your characters are well established. From the beginning I kept wanting to know more about them. This is well done.

Plot and Setting:
A good start to the story but not quite sure of the plot at this stage. I am sure it will become more apparent in the next chapters. A bit more focus could be placed on setting in the school.

Characters:
Very good character development and you provided just the right amount of information to keep the reader interested in them.

Grammar:
"Looking to the (leave the word 'the'out) both sides of his chair nervously, he looked back towards the girl with the fakest smile one could possibly contour."

Reviews and recommendations given are simply my suggestion, so feel free to ignore them if they do not fall in line with the direction you are taking your writing.


Cheers
Tan

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23
23
Review of The Hunting Arrow  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review of : The Hunting Arrow
Author : C. C. Moore
Reviewer : Taniuska

Hi,

What a thrilling story, it was a fantastic read. I loved how the arrow had influenced both of them when they held it. Almost in a demonic way. I was a bit disappointed at the end, that she had decided to go home, but can also understand that she may not believe it was the cursed arrow causing the weird behaviour.

Plot and Setting:
Wonderful description of the setting in the forest.

Characters:
Well established. Why did Melinda not ask her brother he was not married? As he started acting 'scary' I thought that is why he was living alone, but then later realised it might have been only the arrow.

At the end of the story when Melinda holds the arrow, I think a bit more detail can be given on her anger and reminising about what makes her furious. This will also provide the reader more detail on her background.

Grammar:
All fine.

Reviews and recommendations given are simply my suggestion, so feel free to ignore them if they do not fall in line with the direction you are taking your writing.


Cheers
Tan

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24
24
Review by Taniuska Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review of : The Disco-Dishwasher-Combustion
Author : C.C.Moore
Reviewer : Taniuska

Hi,

A very interesting story and you have done really well in making something out of the three word combination. Very creative.

Plot and Setting:
Good plot. The beginning was a bit dragged out and did not seem as exciting as the second half of the story. I found it a bit slow, and maybe more background into the characters might help.

Characters:
Great characters and the ending actually made me laugh... I hope it was meant to be a bit funny:)

Grammar:
"Chad was spinning in a way that seemed inhuman and he was glowing white."

Reviews and recommendations given are simply my suggestion, so feel free to ignore them if they do not fall in line with the direction you are taking your writing.


Cheers
Tan

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25
25
Review of The Well  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review of : The Well
Author : C.C.Moore
Reviewer : Taniuska

Hi,

A great short story and works well at its current length. Writing style was quite impactful in achieving the intensity and feeling experienced by Mary. At the end when she was found by her boyfriend, I was surprised he did not mention anything about know there was an old well on his or his parents' estate.

Plot and Setting:
Great plot and loved the descriptions of the well. It worked very well the way you kept refering back to the small tunnel light coming from up above. This helped create a sense of fear in the reader.

Characters:
Mary's character was very well developed and with her reminising about her life and party, the reader is given a good background on her.

"I’m going to die down here, she had time to think." At this stage of the story everything must be moving quickly, as the kids are trying to drown her, so this sentence does not quite fit. Maybe she does not have time to think, rather than the opposite. Hope this makes sense.

Grammar:
"“We’re Were they old?”"

Reviews and recommendations given are simply my suggestion, so feel free to ignore them if they do not fall in line with the direction you are taking your writing.


Cheers
Tan

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