What I especially liked: I longed for you to put love before duty,
To be generous voluntarily;- you have captured this sense of contradictory frustration so well; wanting the one you love to be generous to you, but by their will, not because it is expected or demanded.
Spelling/Grammar issues: I didn't really see any.
What I felt needs improvement: The last segment, where you switch patterns and it becomes one long string of accusations, is rather hard to read, perhaps because there is too much bunched together. Perhaps breaking it up slightly somehow would make it easier for the reader. It seems to me that it would break into four groups of three lines, with even a common theme to the accusatory words in each line; that might help keep the mind from balking at such a mass of words after the slightly simplistic style of the first part.
Overall impression:
Very nicely done, good word choices, it's just that last segment that is a bit troubling. Kudos!
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Drunk (18+) Very dark-a guy with severe problems-*No* it did not happen to *me*. Obviously. #835564 by Tanna
What I especially liked: Time heals, things will get better,
Many people would have you believe
That all will come right in time,
But death words cannot relieve.- the turn of phrase here is very well done.
Spelling/Grammar issues: But death words cannot relieve- I think this would work better with a comma after 'death'
What I felt needs improvement: Some of your word choices are almost too simple, it seems (unless of course that was intentional >^.^<)
Overall impression:
Nicely done; it captures the impotent hurt and frustration of loss well.
What I especially liked: That are extremely hostile and openly prejudicial.
Feelings expressed that are so obviously superficial.- the language use in this is novel and well done. Two halves that do not fit, can't compare or compete.- I'm not even entirely sure why, except perhaps the alliteration, but I really like this line. These extremes exist, and truly don't glorify the flag- a nice little jab at 'patriots' who turn a blind eye on the needs of their neighbors... and countrymen. I loved the use of color in this piece.
Spelling/Grammar issues: I didn't really see any.
What I felt needs improvement: There are a few awkward spots, especially in the third verse, though I can't pin exactly *why* they are awkward.
Overall impression:
Nicely done, though it could use a bit of polishing.
What I especially liked: Then she laid her hand upon his heart, now still.- What a tear-jerker line! Every word choice in this is wonderful; nothing more or less than needed.
Spelling/Grammar issues: I didn't really see any.
What I felt needs improvement: Not a single thing.
Overall impression:
You have crystalized what could have been pages long into only a few eloquent lines. In ways it almost reads as poetry instead of story. Superb.
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #836520 by Not Available.
What I especially liked: Is it only me who sees our reality?
Listen to my heart, don’t reject my sincerity.- These lines just roll off the tongue so nicely. Lovely use of language. You are my world and in yours I want to be,- I just love this line; not sure why exactly.
{e:bullet{{c:plum}Put failure out of sight and progress to succeed.- the alliteration and the use of alternating simple and complex ords works very well in this line.
Spelling/Grammar issues: Immortalises-Immortalizes I stand speak the truth,-this is awkward... perhaps add either a comma or 'and' after 'stand'?
What I felt needs improvement: Aside from those little grammar slips, I don't see much.
Overall impression:
You need just a tiny bit of polishing, but overall, this was superb. Kudos!
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #835579 by Not Available.
What I especially liked: The tin shacks of Soweto stretched out for mile upon mile,
And there was no one there, I saw, that did not wear a smile I entered the windowless tin box, no particle of dirt was found.
All was swept completely clean although the floor was ground.
Spelling/Grammar issues: I didn't really see any
What I felt needs improvement: I knelt down, held the little boy, a woman came up among,
Held out hands in friendship, said “my seventh son;” he hung
His head shyly as she spoke, but she lifted hers with pride, - you seem to use this 'sentence break' style fairly often, which makes for a bit of awkwardness; in this case, though, it really isn't needed... 'among' and 'son' are close enough to make a decent rhyme; you can then move 'he hung' to be with the rest of the phrase it goes with, and perhaps reword that line just a bit to fit the rhythm.
Overall impression:
Very nicely done. You do a superb job, in so few words, of showing how basically happy these people were, despite their obvious 'poverty'. It really makes you wonder what *true* wealth is.
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Drunk (18+) Very dark-a guy with severe problems-*No* it did not happen to *me*. Obviously. #835564 by Tanna
What I especially liked: I have left my footprints in many gardens, where I lived when I was young and small.
Oh, how I loved the orchard. I left footsteps on those trees that seemed to me so tall. - I love these lines; very simple language, as the child you speak of yourself as might use, but very elegant as well My footprints I’ve left on my children, I hope I often walk through their minds - not sure exactly why, but I really liked this line I also very much enjoyed the form of this poem; it's very subtle, more conversational than formal - there are only two or three spots where you obviously had to 'bend' your words a little bit to make them fit the pattern.
Spelling/Grammar issues: Nothing in particular stood out.
What I felt needs improvement: in the swathe,
....as if a lathe - These two words, although spelled the same, really don't rhyme.. 'swathe' is pronounced swahth, 'lathe' is pronounced layth. Just minor nitpicking, I know, but it kinda bugged me. There are two places where you broke a sentence in the middle of a phrasing to fit the rhyme-and-rhythm scheme; while there isn't necessarily anything 'wrong' with doing that, it makes for a somewhat awkward spot; you might want to rephrase so that it isn't quite so abrupt.
Overall impression:
This is really, really beautiful. I have somehow always loved the analogy of leaving footprints as your marks through life; I think it was an early love of the piece 'Footprints in the Sand' that started it. This piece is, in many ways, every bit as inspirational, and I am very glad to have been able to read it. Kudos!
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Horse and Rider (E) A prose-poem about the joys of a rider and her horse. #835533 by Tanna
It's hard to give an in-depth review of so short a piece, but here goes..
What I especially liked: I liked the 'turn-around' in the final phrase... even if it was rather predictable.
Spelling/Grammar issues: I didn't really see any.
What I felt needs improvement: The emotion behind this is quite charged; you should expand on the theme! Elaborate on it, use good concrete, physical imagery to *show* each point, instead of just telling it. I didn't see any reason why you changed the pattern in the next-to-last line.
Overall impression:
A decent start, certainly charged, I think this has the potential to be quite good with some work.
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #872662 by Not Available.
What I especially liked: I love how you 'make fun of yourself' in this piece. I think I critiqued another piece written in this style of yours, but I will say again... this 'picture' style poetry... literally putting a picture on the page with your words.. is very refreshing, and more than a little amusing.
Spelling/Grammar issues: I didn't really see any.
What I felt needs improvement: Lines 2-4 in the second stanza aren't *quite* the right length (at least in this font) for the pattern. But, I can't think of how to fix it, and it's very minor nitpicking anyway.
Overall impression:
This piece is incredibly cute! Very, very nice work!
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #835822 by Not Available.
What I especially liked: life itself is only a second
Now I know each fleeting second
is ending the life I beckoned
Spelling/Grammar issues: While I found no spelling errors, there are a *number* of places where the phrasing is awkward enough to make it difficult to understand. Try reading this piece aloud, pausing at the end of each line, to try and catch these awkward spots.
What I felt needs improvement: Try to clear up some of the awkwardness of this piece, as I said already. Try to choose more 'concrete', physical imagery instead of 'fuzzy' emotional or mental concepts to illustrate your points. (ie, 'Her heart swelled like a flower about to bloom' creates a much stronger mental image than 'her heart swelled with all the pride she could hold')
Overall impression:
A good piece, it just needs a bit of tweaking and polishing.
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Horse and Rider (E) A prose-poem about the joys of a rider and her horse. #835533 by Tanna
What I especially liked: His mother's grave did not answer her lost child
or not heard over the roar of white-flecked foam.
The weather was changing, turning quite wild
fading light bringing early end to gloomy day - I just really like this passage, not sure why; the words just flow together nicely
Spelling/Grammar issues: paedophiles - pedophiles
What I felt needs improvement: the laguage in this is rather abrupt and simplistic.. while it works for it somewhat, especially concerning the boy's thoughts, for the most part it just sounds choppy. Try some more flowing word choices.
Overall impression:
Wow. Very haunting, very moving. It could use a bit of polish, but stands well even as is.
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #835822 by Not Available.
What I especially liked: I love the 'shape' of this poem. It's fairly easy to find pleasing language and word choices, or a good rhyme/rhythm scheme, but to have it visually pleasing as well is an added bonus that few people can manage! It surely saddens God's creative eye, so!
To see beloved earth fall apart Into evil goodness leak.
Sin must lose,
you choose.
Go! - I love this passage; the quiet but challenging, almost demanding tone. It is just about the perfect ending for this poem, I think.
Spelling/Grammar issues: Didn't really see any
What I felt needs improvement: To see beloved earth fall apart.
When did downward spiral start? - These lines disrupt the pattern of the poem just slightly.. perhaps add an extra word (like 'most beloved' perhaps) in the first of these lines. Make your presence felt.
Show the world you knelt,
ensuring any cold hearts did melt - These lines are slightly awkward, and they also disrupt the 'shape' of the poem. Try some different word choices or phrasing, or perhaps play with the tense of the phrases to help with this.
Overall impression:
Very original, very nice. It just needs a very little polish, and it will be truely phenominal!
What I especially liked: I want to see your bright beautiful smile
and fall in love with you all over again - who doesn't know this feeling? If they don't, they're missing out.
Spelling/Grammar issues: I really didn't see any.
What I felt needs improvement: Try to use more concrete images, rather than 'fuzzy' emotional terms. "Show don't tell" You have some gret material, and it would be so much better with firmer mental images! It all seems to be in something of a jumble; some punctuation would improve it quite a bit, I think.
Overall impression:
A very nice poem, with a good flowing style. Pull in some better concrete imagery and punctuation, and I really think you'll have an exemplary piece.
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #836520 by Not Available.
What I especially liked: Fly Old Glory display our faith
that our troops won't fail
Spelling/Grammar issues: They seek to undermind - undermine
What I felt needs improvement: I like the subject of the poem here, and you make some good points, but it's fairly... confusing. Try to clarify every point you make; be concise. You have written this as though it should be a structured, metered poem, and even seem to be attempting a rhyme scheme.. but somehow it just doesn't work. Try to choose your words more carefully, and consciously count syllables, instead of just 'going by ear'. Also, try reading it aloud to help catch awkwardness.
Overall impression:
A good poem, but it could definitely use a bit of polishing.
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Horse and Rider (E) A prose-poem about the joys of a rider and her horse. #835533 by Tanna
I already reviewed each piece separately, but I thought I'd come and give the folder itself a rating, maybe help draw in other people to read this piece, which I really think is wonderfully written and so very moving. Again, I say a wonderful piece, and I'm so glad I read the whole thing!
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #836520 by Not Available.
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