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53 Public Reviews Given
53 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of The Cloak of Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like your poem very much. It's is very evocative of the passage of time. I was just thinking that at the ending stanza instead of having the word "gate" used twice, you could employ some other word that pertains to time, like step through the days, or years, or seconds or...? Just a thought. I love the ending though - leaving a "portrait of myself" is lovely.


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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Routine  Open in new Window.
Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow. I think this is great. The turn of phrases - the descriptions. I just wish I understood the ending better. You say a lot without coming out and telling your reader very much. It makes for a suspenseful read. I want to know if he has killed her in the end, or even how I got the notion that he might.

Teal

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Sorry to be critical but I think your tense is off. If you speak of the saying as a plural it would be "sayings" with an (s) at the end. You speak of them in a plural tense when you say "there are sayings" so the saying needs an (s) at the end. Also in the next sentence "some of these sayings are irritating..." the word saying needs an (s) at the end. Hope you don't mind my bring this to your attention - it's a fun idea to have a poll about the annoying subject of sayings. I would call some of them hackneyed phrases too. You have included some good ones. *Smile*


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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi. This is very funny. I used to work in the food industry and can relate to the dropped food scenario. There are a bunch of typos in need of another edit, which I am sure you'll notice upon a second reading. I really enjoyed your tone and the fast-pace narrative, and want to read the full biography when it is available!



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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Friends  Open in new Window.
Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello. I think you have a great idea for an interesting story here. I wanted to read more, perhaps in some way describing through their words reasons why they could still be friends again, or what will happen now i.e will they stay friends or not.

There are a few areas I noticed for improvement: "he had got a receding hairline" seems awkward because of the passive voice. You could relieve it by saying "His receding hairline was something new" or "he hadn't changed except for his receding hairline"(just examples. I'm sure you can think of better ideas.)

The ending paragraph, while summarizing the story, takes the reader away from the characters and the story and into the writer's head, distracting and not really furthering the story. You already tried to show these elements of old friendship by telling the story. I don't think it needs to be explained.

Please know that my opinions are subjective and may not be shared by another reader. I think you could expand this story to further your inspiring idea. Keep writing!

Thank-you, Teal *Smile*

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Very cute tale - leave it to kids! I think we are getting more and more creative with our tales. It might be a good thing when everyone lets their hair down a bit. Keep up the great work! Oh, I was wondering how you were going to end this. I like the clever ending about the Dad wondering about the Jelly Fish.*Smile*




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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review of I'm Fine  Open in new Window.
Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great entry! I am learning so much just from reading your work. For example, now I see that to just go and say "she thinks she's dying" is idiotic as it's better to show it happening then let the reader's imagination take over. However, I think having my character say "she's dying" might relieve the reader's confusion if they ever made it to the end of my story. Ha ha.

This was convincing - both with its insight into scuba diving as well as phobias! It made the story very believable and I felt sorry for Abby. Can't wait for more...
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Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello. This is a very astute observation of happiness, and one I agree with. However two things were missing: you did not mention health as another condition for happiness, or the lack of good health, and how some people can still be happy despite not having it, and also you did not mention making other people happy as a means of happiness, which I think, and hope, still can bring happiness.

This essay might pack more punch of you dropped the references to "I" think or feel, which could easily be done.

THis reminds me of the recent winner of (I think it was) the New York lottery who died under mysterious circumstances after just winning the money. I think they have exhumed his body to see if he was poisoned. So tragic!

I especially liked the way you ended with the quote from Lincoln.
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Review of My Talking Pencil  Open in new Window.
Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Ha ha! This made me laugh. I love..."sent it in the mail with an exercise flier" and "persuade NASA to send it to Mars". I have to admit to expecting the talking pencil to start editing or loudly critiquing the poet's work, as I am sure mine would - if I ever used a pencil that is!
I'm not much of a poet, but it seemed a few lines might need an extra syllable or too? Like at the end, "to send it to Mars" might be more rhythmical if it said "To send it off to Mars". I love the references to walking and trying to lose the pencil and especially the part about it "thinking I'm fat" and "Stabbing me in the back". Very cute poem and a creative idea!



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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoyed your writing and this humorous story! I laughed aloud a few times as poor Praful's experiences seemed to go from bad to worse. (it reminded me of how I got on the wrong Tube at rush-hour once in London, and had to be rescued.) And who can not empathize with the nerves, hopes and fears in the morning the first day before a new job!

Overall my few suggestions for improvement would be to please considering making an extra line at your paragraph breaks. One solid sheet of writing looks so challenging for the reader! I also felt a bit confused by the references to Hindi, names etc. and thought it would be less confusing if you made a few asides, such as "His father." or "His boss" and some of the Hindi words you used were unclear and could be defined.

I thought the way you described the characters in the story to be great and quite rare and unique.

I want to read more of your work. Thank-you, *Smile* Teal


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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I like your entry because the story jumps right in without a lot of preamble. In the first paragraph you have "pulled" the covers instead of "pull" which would be grammatical. I like the way you have the girls thoughts in italics - something I can learn from to avoid confusion while building character. I like the sense of sad, mystery in this story, too.
Teal
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Review of The Weak  Open in new Window.
Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Your choice of words are perfect. The poem seems inspired by recent tragedies. At least the bullied did not take others with him in his rage where the bullied becomes the bully on a global scale.

Very interesting idea for a poem. My favorite lines which further the idea of the poem are "Slightly twisted" and "a tight feel". Perhaps, the line "he was an animal" might be more concise with omitting the "he was" and say just, "an animal." Only an idea. *Smile*

Thanks for sharing this, Teal
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review of The Glass Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi. Just found this in my "updates" page. It has me intrigued, Both the tone and the imagery brought me in. I noticed a few spots in need of editing: The second sentence states "she thought" twice: both sentences 3 and 4 state that she moved "forward" - there might be another word to employ?; The last sentence of the first paragraph is missing a "the". The "dias" is mentioned three times in the first three sentences - perhaps combining the thoughts into one longer sentence might work - or replacing the word, perhaps "alter" or "podium" or "pedestal" ? A few sentences have "pedals" for the words "petals"? Maybe the description of the rose, should be "silky' instead of "silk"?

Apart from those minor glitches, it sounds like a tantalizing story. My favorite line: "remembering the terror of being last in dark, stone corridors." is so evocative. I like that you don't give away where she is until the last sentence "am I still on Mars." and "inhaling Rose-sented air" makes the reader wonder if indeed she might be somewhere else. A great mysterious beginning.

Cheers, Teal
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Review of I Saw a Dragon  Open in new Window.
Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh my gosh: this is so great! And funny. My favorite parts are "come in packs" and "weighed a ton" and "faked their photos" But actually I love it all...and in recognition... you should stand tall. The rhythm is catchy - like Dr. Seuss.

My only suggestion, or friendly comment, is that I felt a bit confused at the end by the country was filled with lots of dough, because I didn't get the feeling that it was the objective of the dragon couple or their country.

I'm going to read more of your work.

Cheers, TEAL
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Review of Ouija Believe It?  Open in new Window.
Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a tragic tale told through dialogue - fast moving - and to the point. I love writing and reading dialogue! So creepy, the way you put the ghost behind the wall in the actual room of the person who is speaking to it with the ouija-board. I loved the ending too - as the reader is led to understand what happened and feels the ghost's confusion, anger and pain. Great story!!
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Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a very creative idea! I like the casual tone - like a self-help book.

A few typos distracted from your essay. They are mostly in your first and concluding paragraphs i.e words omitted. Just my opinion, but I thought the main part of the book - the "story" was not elaborated on quite as much as it could have been. I loved the paragraph on the "cover" and enjoyed your similes and metaphors - especially "Like Shakespeare in Japanese shoved in a washing machine" was funny, also that of J. K. Rowling, but it would make it easier to understand if there was a dash or a colon after JK Rowling.

You have a fresh idea here and I hope to read more.

Teal1355
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Review of DFF: Plumber Pain  Open in new Window.
Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This story made me laugh, since we have one of those magically flushing numbers even after flapper replacement. You have a wonderful turn of phrase that tickled my funny bone, such as, "into the still waters" "newborn baby's coo". I'm not sure about your closing line though, felt confused by it. Overall, loved it!

Keep writing.
Teal
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Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Love it! I felt a bit confused by the end - the reference to "Ghost years" until I realized the story must be told from the perspective of a ghost (who died at 90.) Hope I got it right, and wish I'd thought of it. Very clever, fast paced and original. Teal1355
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Review by Teal1355 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Angus. Very clever to personify the tree! I am sure if they could talk this is exactly what they'd say. I often see feel so sorry for them - especially seeing them discarded after the holidays in back alleys, with the dog. True, funny and tragic! Teal.
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