This either needs to be smushed into one sentence, or cut in half. I would suggest splitting the two thoughts into two sentences.
'By now she knew the lady who ran the place, and it never bothered the woman one bit that Charmian never bought anything.'
Ack! Run-on sentence from hell, you definatly need to split this up:
'Today was a crisp autumn day...Charmian's mouth twitched with disgust that her mind dredged up such an overused autumnal adjective, crisp...but it was the only word she could think of that applied.'
I would suggest putting a comma in* but that would seem awkward with there already being two in the sentence. Try rephrasing.
'The trees were changing*,* but so far they hadn't lost enough of their leaves to achieve that ugly, bare, blackened winter look.'
Maybe something like,"The trees hadn't quite achieved that bare, blackened, winter look"(I was just assuming 'winter' was a seperate adjective. As i've never heard of a 'blackened' winter. Lots of white ones though cuz' I'm from Michigan, right around Petosky matter 'o fact.)
What were your charecters thinking or feeling during this dilogue?:
'"I know. I heard you. I think half the city did, too."
"Oh, c'mon. You always have such a snitty attitude."
"Is there something you want, Drake?"'
'"*Fff*. No need to get snitty, Miss Charming."'
Maybe I missed it but, huh?
You shold never start a sentence with and. Add a comma instead.
"It's 'really,' Drake*.* And no, I just like to come here to get away from you. So far it's worked."
I know it's ittalicised but still, you need to tell when a chrecter's thinking.
'*Good riddance*. She returned to staring at the rhinestones. A slight noise from the door behind the counter drew her attention, and she smiled when Anne came out.'
Simply take out the comma, replace it with a period, replace and with she and it's perfect
Charmian growled to herself. She'd forgotten about Drake. What was he up to now? "Please excuse me," she said to Anne, "my stupid friend's calling*,*" *and* stormed away from the counter into the far corner of the store, where the books were kept on high cramped shelves.
This is a rather long sentence for such a short paragraph, don't you think. It may look better as two or maybe three sentences.
'And the worst thing was...she was suddenly filled with an intense curiosity about it, and about the woman, a sudden need to know who she was and what she was doing posing in this photo...what had happened to her since.'
Also, suddenly should just plain not be used by any, writer any time, in any story, your writing says 'suddenly' for you. Suddenly is not even neccesary, if something is sudden it's because it suddenly pops up in a sentence, ya'know?
Your descriptions are vivd and enticing, you definatly hold my attention. I love your style, it's something I fell I could relate to. Keep up the excellent work!
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