\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thehat
Review Requests: OFF
14 Public Reviews Given
24 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by The Hat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
WOWZA! This is great I wold love to read a lot more of this! The way you describe your scenes is vivd and fresh, and your charectors are original and real. I want more! You did an outstanding job, keep it up!

The Hat
2
2
Review by The Hat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Damn near perfect! The only problem I saw was the quotation thing that I mentioned before. Other than those few mistakes it is perfect. I love how you find just the right phrasing to add that personal touch, yet still keep a fine tuned demographic. I really enjoy your work!

The Hat
3
3
Review by The Hat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Either move the comma to each end of 'staring' or take out obviuosly. It sounds kind of confusing.

'CHARMIAN SAT IN the back seat of the car with her hand pressed to her stomach. Drake sat beside her, staring obliviously out the window.'

Here you should take out either 'decided you', or 'you want'.

'"Well, it's about time," her father had said. "I've been telling you all sorts of things about that island for ages now, it's about time you finally decided you want to see it."'

Since she's only quoting one word from her father you should take the quotations off of 'warmth'

'Despite the "unseasonable warmth," Charmian felt a chill...'

Once again you have crafted another beautiful piece. The only negative thing I can say is that you tend to use a few too many comma's. An excercise I learned was to read you story aloud, pause all your comma's, and you'll see where you really need them by the way it sounds to you as you read it back. One other small thing is when your not actualy quoting dailogue don't use quotations, use apostraphies. Great stuff!

The Hat
4
4
Review by The Hat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Take out the "'d", it just doesn't seem right.

'She'd used to enjoy going to see Miss Anne, but now she wasn't so sure.'

Other than your tendency to continue a parapraph after a quotation(which is a dangling prteciple)your grammar is near perfect. Excellent work! Just keep inmind that when you commit a paragraph to dialogue it ends that train of thought, so you need to start a new one. Again your descriptions are vivid and descriptive. The imagery you create is very colorful, and you never fail to hold my attention. Very nice!

The Hat
5
5
Review by The Hat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I can definatly tell this is where you started to change your style. There are very few grammatical errors. The only thing I will comment on is your use of 'sudden' or 'suddenly', like I said in the last chapter. Sudden is one of those things thats alreeady been said, so you don't have to. Great job!

P.S. Maybe you should consider smushing parts one and two together, you know just make them on chapter together.
The Hat
6
6
Review by The Hat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This either needs to be smushed into one sentence, or cut in half. I would suggest splitting the two thoughts into two sentences.

'By now she knew the lady who ran the place, and it never bothered the woman one bit that Charmian never bought anything.'

Ack! Run-on sentence from hell, you definatly need to split this up:

'Today was a crisp autumn day...Charmian's mouth twitched with disgust that her mind dredged up such an overused autumnal adjective, crisp...but it was the only word she could think of that applied.'

I would suggest putting a comma in* but that would seem awkward with there already being two in the sentence. Try rephrasing.

'The trees were changing*,* but so far they hadn't lost enough of their leaves to achieve that ugly, bare, blackened winter look.'

Maybe something like,"The trees hadn't quite achieved that bare, blackened, winter look"(I was just assuming 'winter' was a seperate adjective. As i've never heard of a 'blackened' winter. Lots of white ones though cuz' I'm from Michigan, right around Petosky matter 'o fact.)

What were your charecters thinking or feeling during this dilogue?:
'"I know. I heard you. I think half the city did, too."

"Oh, c'mon. You always have such a snitty attitude."

"Is there something you want, Drake?"'


'"*Fff*. No need to get snitty, Miss Charming."'
Maybe I missed it but, huh?

You shold never start a sentence with and. Add a comma instead.

"It's 'really,' Drake*.* And no, I just like to come here to get away from you. So far it's worked."

I know it's ittalicised but still, you need to tell when a chrecter's thinking.
'*Good riddance*. She returned to staring at the rhinestones. A slight noise from the door behind the counter drew her attention, and she smiled when Anne came out.'

Simply take out the comma, replace it with a period, replace and with she and it's perfect

Charmian growled to herself. She'd forgotten about Drake. What was he up to now? "Please excuse me," she said to Anne, "my stupid friend's calling*,*" *and* stormed away from the counter into the far corner of the store, where the books were kept on high cramped shelves.

This is a rather long sentence for such a short paragraph, don't you think. It may look better as two or maybe three sentences.

'And the worst thing was...she was suddenly filled with an intense curiosity about it, and about the woman, a sudden need to know who she was and what she was doing posing in this photo...what had happened to her since.'

Also, suddenly should just plain not be used by any, writer any time, in any story, your writing says 'suddenly' for you. Suddenly is not even neccesary, if something is sudden it's because it suddenly pops up in a sentence, ya'know?

Your descriptions are vivd and enticing, you definatly hold my attention. I love your style, it's something I fell I could relate to. Keep up the excellent work!


The Hat
7
7
Review by The Hat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Suddenly...there was a review! I hate to say it but this is kind mediocre, please don't think I'm trying to be mean. The grammar is just plain off(comma's, incomplete thoughts, run-on's) but otherwise it is pretty good. The premise is creative, and thats about all you need to start a really god novel. I hope you do get to the point where you will rewrite this, it would develope nicely! I look forward to your rewrite. I didn't want to go into a really detailed review because it would seem like I was nit-picking, or telling you how to write your story and I don't want to do that.

The Hat
8
8
Review by The Hat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very clear and concise piece, it contained everything I need to use the tools you outlined. I didn't find any grammatical errors, and the punctuation was perfect. Great job. I only have one complaint, what about more advanced users. What can someone who is familiar with these tools learn to help them, other than that it was perfect.

The Hat
8 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thehat