I believe you did write this piece from your heart as stated. Your thoughts and feelings are very visible. I will offer this advice: Sentence fragments and colloquialisms have their place in prose, but do not over use them. Your prose needs to be revised for sentence/paragraph structure, grammar, and stylistic conerns.
Let's consider spelling first. It's the easiest to fix, so run your spell checker or get the Webster's off the shelf and get the job done.
Secondly, let's consider your sentence and paragraph structure. I think we can all agree that in most cases, complete sentences should be the rule. I think you should rewrite this piece in such a manner that your have zero sentence fragments. As for your paragraphing, make sure that each paragraph follows form (topic sentence, supporting sentences).
You should also look at your use of pronouns throughout the piece, and your use of descriptive language overall. Consider this example from your work:
"Home is also a place, which makes me think of my father, his table, his books and his ever-familiar spectacles. Picking up his books, I feel nostalgic going back into time when he used to teach me. His no-nonsense attitude, his firm voice all invade my mind and heart it ceases to matter that he is no more. His very thought wherever I am, feels home."
As you wrote it, your thoughts on your father are understood. I suggest, however, that the following manner of saying the same thing would work better:
"Home conjures memories of my late father. I can still see him sitting at his small table under the window, thumbing through a favorite book. He always wore his wire rim spectacles while reading, or teaching me history, or literature, or any of the hundreds of lessons we discussed over the years. In touching his things, I am continually reminded of his lessons to me, both academic and moral. His fierce sense of social and moral responsibility have been instilled in me over the years, and I still rely on his guidance, even after his death. I hold onto the physical mementos of his life when I need to remember home, and am comforted by them."
Obviously, I wrote it with some expansion, and probably worded it differently than most would. That is not the point. I have tried to illustrate how to show your meaning via narrative, rather than rely on a reader's perception of a very basic description (his glasses, his books, his spectacles, etc.). Draw the picture with words and you will direct the message exactly where it should go.
The meaning in your story is clear, and I share it with you with regard to my own family. Use your specific memories to make your prose come alive to a reader. Make me understand how your father's articles are different from those of my father. Show me in narrative how these miscellaneous thoughts make you feel and you will have succeeded.
I hope this helps. Rewrite it and let us see it again! |
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