you speak of subject matter that is so common and so sad in this time we live. i'm glad you wrote this, but would strongly suggest you read it out loud to yourself a couple times and see where it is very clumsy sounding. and also remember that poem's don't always have to rhyme.
tom
Well, third poem from you in a row without being aware of it until I read this one and felt the similarity to the last one.
I would suggest that you not try to rhyme your poetry so much. find a form that works for you and speak to us with the meaning you obviously have inside and don't worry so much about the rhyming.
tom
the subject matter of course is something that hits home to all of us. even those of us who disagree with this idiot war, we still support and pray for our troops to come back to their families. you have done a good job here with the exception of a couple of parts where there doesn't seem to be smooth flow. the one part that bothered me the most was:madeof blood and they have drown seems like you are forcing the rhyming here and in a couple other spots. it is too important a subject to not suffer through the agonies of 'writing'. do look it over for yourself and see if you can tighten it a bit. i did however enjoy this very much.
tom
Brittany, I certainly hope you got past that mood. This is well done, you kept your rhyme together, the tempo is good, it's just a very dark poem. I enjoyed the read though. Keep on.
tom
When my grandfather died, I was already a grown man with my own children. The loss I felt made me almost disfunctional. It took a long time for me to figure out that the grief we go through is not so much for what we have lost, but more for what we did not do when we had the time and opportunities. This short note reminded me of that again. Thanks,
tom
Good rhythm, good rhyme, good tempo, good imagery, terrible subject and sad that so many relationships are like that. Being a 'man' though, I must disagree that happiness last's little within the world of men. In fact I don't agree that it is a world of 'men'. by the way, your last last is missing the s of the first one.
This becomes quite emotional for me with where I am in life and with the problems we have had with Benjamin, our youngest son. Two suggestions, third line "Want To Waste" you did not have "to" in there.
well, i'm 64 and been married for 42 years come feb, 07. but i can certainly relate to many of the emotional pictures you give us in this very fine poem. the tempo/rhythm is very good, the imagery is very good. It is very close to being a 5, but since i did not write it, i suspect i simply cannot give it one.
bitch point: traped.....did you mean trapped? hope so
i like the idea of the emotions closing in, confining....and showing the door but not the key is satanic in concept.........very good job...keep it up
tom
I think I know what you mean here. But I'll bet half of the people that read this will condemn you to hell for having the devil in you. Very good job. I may have to give this a try. I like Haiku/Senryu very much so should be able to work at this. Thanks for a great read.
tom
I certainly enjoyed "Waking up" more than this one. You give us evidence that you can do it...you have the talent, but this feels rushed to me...like you wanted to get it done but did not really want to work at it....Keep writing, just keep understanding it is HARD work.
tom
Honestly, I wish we had a 3.25 rating. I think you have a good piece basically. I think you have a 4.5 idea and just missed a little bit.....I still liked it though so I contribute that to your having talent for this....
I've been alot
that touch bothered me....felt out of place or mispoken on my tongue.........last three lines are very good concept and hope, I'm 64 and a bit of a cynic....Keep on keeping on....keep writing.
tom
Very nicely done. Nice form, good use of imagery, enjoyed the tempo/rhythm. Did not care for the picture though. The poem paints a better picture for me than the picture itself.
tom
I think if you changed your handle to something besides whatev, you might have a deeper sense of self and find that you can express this better....it is a good statement, but without something to say, the need to write means you could do gibberish....
the CAPS are distracting, at least for me. being held back from loving so many things is usually because you haven't found the path to that love yet,,,,and i'll bet you that "boy toy's" will never show you the path to follow to reach that goal. give it another shot and reach deeper within your soul, and be willing to rip yourself to shreds.....that is what a lot of writing is all about......
tom
Ah, well. This is very touching, very well done. Good tempo/rhythm, direct and to the point. I like sparse word usage in poetry so this works a lot for me. I also sympathize with the character as my youngest son (now 36) had an eye removed because of cancer at the tender age of 9 months. Good job.
tom
A good intro to show that you have an idea worth expanding. I know you identify this as short story and am glad you indicated it was just an intro. Looks like you were doing poetry with the shape of how this laid out on the page. I think I would change the first sentence to something like "Most of us here tend to not, yadayada"
since in truth most humans live too much in the past. Hope this helps some, keep at it. It is one step after another.
tom
Obviously, you have the germ of an idea for something larger than one sentence. Comments: I would break this up into at least three sentence's. The line;"smaller salvage and moining towns", were you meaning to say "savage and mining towns"? I was confused by that. Also, don't think I would capitalize 'world' unless that is a title that has been placed on it by some of your characters which will show up sooner. You have something there to jump start your thought process, keep at it, flesh it out and make it work.
tom
very good..once place to music, i hope you will let me know and how i can hear it.....reminds me a bit of a song that was attributed to Johnny Ace, who is someone you are probably too young to know about.....anyway no one knows for sure if he wrote it, but it went like this and I don't remember all the words.....
"this is my last letter
all i have to say,
my life's so near the Lord
it has to end this way,
i'm so sorry" or something like all that, your piece reminded me of it...........thanks, good job
tom
What a conderful "acrostic". Very masterful. You are the first 5 Ihave given out for anything other than site reviews.......wonderfully done....you should have left "Gods not gone" hidden, gives away the rest of it....I loved it and I would never have attempted some thing that complex, I don't think.....though having read this, the challenge may have been thrown down............good job...look forward to your portfolio....
Wow! great piece with lot's of crying out in it. My one suggestion would be to remove each of the occasions of using the word SO. For me, that weakens the scream. It is more conversational and obviously this is not a person in the mood for conversation until the final line and the request for help comes out. Good job.
tom
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