Hi,
I thought your use of 3 lines at
1-14 syllables
2-12 syllables
3-12 syllables
was very natural sounding, not as if you labored over it. You may have labored over it, I don't know, but it sounds effortless, like conversation.
Your syllable count along with the repetition of the first two words of the second and third line of each stanza was very effective in helping to communicate your message. I also like the way you use three of the five senses, and your repetition of the sense verb found in the second line of each stanza in the third line of each stanza.
I think you have a great poem in message and form. Well done!
Tracy
P. S. This review is from the WDC Power Reviewers Group!
Hi SheryA, I think you did a great job with this poem. Your rhyming patter of the 2nd and 4th line of each stanza you maintained with natural rhymes that moved the story along. This has the flavor of the country music you say your Daddy liked.
I am giving this poem five stars because I sense you accomplished your goal of putting down all the thoughts about your Daddy you wanted too in this poem. A Great read
I am sending you back your 75 Gps plus some; it is a pleasure to read your poem. I am sorry for your loss:(
This review is from the WDC Power Reviewers Group
I should have a niffty WDC Power Reviewers logo right here but I misplaced the code for it!
Just imagine it as you please
I reviewed this a few years ago. I discovered my previous review when I began this review. I was able to read my previous review. In my previous review I saw this as a female character; this time it seems clear it is a male character, Oliver. I have never experienced the abuse you so clearly describe through Oliver's thoughts. I like the way you cover the concept that many abused boys will grow up and become abusers themselves The ending is not unpredictable and the route some suffers of such abuse take I was not surprised by Oliver's actions, but I was surprised by his motivation that was so well written.It is also a touch heroic. Self sacrifice to stop the destruction of innocent children. Very thought provoking and a well conceived story. I hope it's fiction
I love your metaphor, your friend or ex-friend as the train that runs you over from the back. I see you wrote this in free style and it works well like that. My favorite line is "Like a loco out of control" The double entendre of crazy person and locomotive there is great. It is a sad poem that tells it story well.
The only thing I can think to tell you to improve this isn't about the poem but about the description: "Being stabbed in the back by your best friend," you have under the title I wouldn't use that, after I read that description I know to much about your poem, why should I bother to read the poem. I would keep it so that the description teases the reader to want to read the poem instead of giving the poem away. It's a great poem.
I think this poem is great. My interpretation is an angry outburst from the central Character to parents or some loved loved one that did not properly guide the character in ways they should have, now neither character will have spiritual success or maturity.
I was going to say to improve this, make its appearance more neat on the page, but after another read, its rough ragged appearance matches well with the content of the poem.
What I liked most about this poem was its honesty. You seemed to have put down your true feelings for your daughter. I like the way the last two lines sum up the entire poem. To improve this I would add to it and use metaphors. Metaphors using the five senses,sight, smell, taste, hearing and touch are very effective. Something like this: My daughter your beauty is like a beautiful rose in my eyes.
This packs quite the emotional punch. I really like your last stanza,
"As the lonely night wind flows
I can hear the train whistle blow
And say goodbye to our tomorrows"
It clearly reminded me of a blues song stylistically. The imagery in that stanza is pure emotional beauty and lonely pain, like a good blues tune should be. I encourage you to write more like that, I also liked the imagery in the second stanza
"Sure it has been very hard
We were dealt a losing card
I can’t believe I’m losing you"
Both images touch my heart, they so well capture your intent to express loss. Good imagery to me really makes a poem, and sets it apart from fair to middling poetry that uses straight narrative. The more images in a poem the more it's like a photo album sharing from someone's life. My only suggestion is to pack it with more imagery.
A Tremendous read, I really am glad I got the chance to read it.
Hi Kevin, What I liked about your story the most was you kept the action moving and developed the character. All in a very short story. I tend to like dark stuff so that angle was fine with me. One area I think you may consider for improving is word choice. I will mention two words for examples. The first is wanly. I had to look it up, which is not common for me, but I do when I come across a word I don't know. The second word is impish. Both were used correctly by the dictionary, I know that word impish and when I read it, my first thought was "The writer doesn't have children." I have been a parent for twenty-four years; I can't recall ever hearing any parent referring to their own child as impish, it carries to many negative connotations. I imagine you mean mischievous which could be positive. Follow the well worn writer's rule "Write what you know." If you're not a parent don't write from a parent's viewpoint or ask a parent to proof that section.There seemed to be words scattered throughout that the average person probably doesn't know. If someone can't comprehend your writing, they'll stop reading it.
To close, You have the ability to connect to the reader but you'll lose some by writing over their head. I know this is jumping around from point to point but it's late.
I loved the concept and I am also glad that I have never felt the need for a muse! It's just me:) A great short story with much potential for development. I can see these characters having a long and productive life if handled properly. You have already introduced affection and strife between two of the characters, with several other characters named. You have the foundation for as many stories as you wish to write.
My first impression is this is similar to a traditional haiku not in form, but in that it is about nature, no mention of humans, and it is as a snapshot of an event in nature. Even though it's about vicious animals, wolves, the 3rd & 4th lines of stanzas 1 &2, and the entire last stanza give it an almost peaceful feeling. A nice juxtaposition you manged there. A good job on your rhyming pattern, 2nd and 4th line each stanza consistent.
I make a point to rarely give, almost never, to give a five, but your poem strikes an emotional chord. The form is deceptively simple yet you still surprised me. I probably should write a longer review. Just a great piece that was well worth reading
I decided to review this because as of this date you only had one rating on it. I thought it must be very bad or very difficult to understand; but it's neither. This is a great poem that feels honest and sincere. It's not difficult to understand. I think to improve the amount of readers on this you may consider changing the title to more clearly identify what it's about.. I have a couple suggestions 1-A letter from Home to a soldier. 2- A letter from home:To an unknown soldier. Use or lose my suggestions as you please. I hope this helps. I think it would be most encouraging to receive this if I was deployed.
I like the proposal wrapped up in your poem, the message is clear and easy to understand to a poetry reader. You maintained ABAB rhyming in each stanza till the final stanza, you could easily invert lines 2 & 3 to maintain the Rhyming scheme, but you appear to be using the broken form to emphasis something. Typically when a poet breaks form it mirrors a problem in the narrative of the poem. I don't see a direct problem, but maybe an indirect problem you refer to is any time someone proposes there is the risk of rejection. If that's what you're doing:Well done, very subtle poetry. If you mean it straight forward as a proposal then I suggest inverting lines 2&3 of the last stanza that will give it continuity throughout the entire poem, a perfect proposal and be less confusing.
I' m not sure what the chicken dance is, but this is a blast to read. I can see why it would be so good to use with children, to get them talking about what their mental image of the chicken dance is! Great Piece
My impression of this is of a dear lady that went to my church that died in December 2009. This describes her last years vividly. I was thinking of her as I read this.
I like the line "Time is slow now as is she." The word time has so many connotations. A great word choice there and how it's used.
My only suggestion is to try working with rhyming and then add meter to your poems. To me it strengthens the message the poet is trying to convey.
I like the linked Haiku. I like how you were prompted to write them, the way a Haiku should be prompted, by an experience with nature. I especially like "your staff makes thunder." That line hits me just right.
To improve this I would change "staff" to "staffs and shepherd to shepherds." My reason for this is you are referring to the angels in the first Haiku as I read this, they are plural, thus staffs and shepherds should be plural or angels should be singular. Also check the syllable count in the 2nd line of the 1st Haiku, I understand it may be an accent thang(!, I am a US southerner and have had to explain certain words before with a note prefacing my poems)
These are my suggestions, use them or lose them as you please.
Hi Aaron, I like your subject matter, I know how you feel. Sometime you have to batter your ideas with a shovel till they give up and allow you to write them down as you please :)
You wrote this in free form, I would encourage you to write in some type of recognized form. First you may want to just explore rhyming, then eventually move into working in a set meter. I heard a better poet than I say "You must know the rules and know how to write by them before you understand how to effectively break them, I don't recall his name.
A great prose piece with the tone of poetry, well done. The story is fantastic.
To improve upon this in the 5th paragraph instead of "almost seeming to dance with one another' why not make it stronger like "dancing with one another
Hi I wanted to return the review you gave me. I like this. My impression is even though you're on holiday, you haven't completely escaped home. The rolling dunes make me think of a dry desert(hope I spelled that right I always get those two confused) and life at home, but they're covered over with freshly covered grass making problems look manageable and your enjoying it even laughing. I enjoy the tone of this poem, it's very expressive and fun to read.
I don't see anything to improve this poem, but I do encourage you to work with a form some, not just free verse
Hi Yellow I like the way you built tension into this by repeating "Remember the" then you reversed order on the last line to help drive home your point with "Always remember"
My first response was uncomfortable memories, I was not close, for I did not know any of the families who were affected by 9/11; but as an American I was greatly affected and I grieved on that level and for those families who lost loved ones.
My only suggestion may be to Capitalize the entire last line or to separate it like it is stanza by itself.
Hi eyestar, I like your poem. I prefer some type of format to free verse almost always. I am not familiar w/this form but you have done a good job of following it. I like your subject matter too. Strawberries are not a normal subject, but it reminds me of the traditional Haiku which only has nature themes.
My initial impression of this made me think just the opposite of your idea. I thought of that quote by whom( or is it who) I don't know. " If you love something, set it free if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it!" I like the last stanza, like the last couplet of a sonnet, you summarize the story well here. Overall a very mature way to handle the end of a relationship
Technically, this is free verse so there is no meter or rhyming scheme, so I will pick on the particulars of punctuation, just on one or two though.
The main character is asked a question "do i stll love her," Quotation marks are used here, which is proper. BTW I like the line
and drawn out
by the temperature of your concern,
i split open, like a melon
in september:
A Great simile between an emotional state and an over ripe melon.
Now back to the main character's response to the question of line one, the way I read this the answer goes to at least " to sleep on three feet", but your quotation marks for the main character end several lines before. I would reconsider how much of this should be in quotations.
Overall a great poem, but I think more people would understand it with more punctuation. Poetry is tough enough for non poets. Give them all the help you can. Especially on this poem, I can't think of another poem I have read that expresses anything close to what you have put on the page or screen here. It's definitely a worth while poem to read for its "not the norm" point of view.
A couple of corrections you may want to consider. In the third paragraph drop the "were" for "We seated a table of six... ." Further down in the same paragraph drop the "were" for "We seated a second table right next to the first... ." There are other ways to correct the verb tense that's my suggestions for continuity. You should post this for reviews, I just stumbled across it. I think many people would enjoy reading such a story.
This is the second piece of yours I have reviewed, both have been well written
Hi Magoo, I enjoyed this Fatal attraction type poem! Smart little Butterfly you paint. Sounds like the bat has a one entree, no appetizer meal in mind
Technically you used seven syllables per line and a consistent aa, bb rhyming scheme for each of the four line stanzas. Well done there. I must confess w/my US southern accent, I had to check my dictionary for the syllabic count of dandelion. We southerners can say that in three syllables "Dan-de-line!" But Webster's won, I now know for sure it's Dan-de-li-on. Thanks for the writing lesson, in speech however I may relapse. Been talkin' this way a long lone time:) My whole life that is.:)
Tracy
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/trace63
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 5:00am on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
