This piece definitely had heart. I do think its purpose was a little confusing. At first, it was about a strong woman who can stand on her own and leave a partner who believes she isn't strong enough to do so. Then, it begins to encourage someone to love a good woman if they find one. Both good ideas to which the author can give voice, but perhaps not in the same poem.
I really liked the piece. It was a little creepy at first, because I thought someone had snuck into my journals and stolen a page. ;D
It made me a little curious, though. What made you decide to post this? Have you ever considered rewriting it in another form, such as a poem or the like? Do you think you might be able to bring new insight to these thoughts now that you've had a little distance? And if the distance isn't there yet, do you think it would be interesting to try to capture everything about the person you love? Might a thousand words make a picture that will capture this period in your life forever?
That was random. Point is, I liked it, and I think there's material here for a greater piece.
This was amazing! There was a nice intertwining of thought and action. Sometimes people will get caught up in one or the other and, while those can still be good, having both adds a certain depth to the story.
You also could have fallen into that trap and made it just like Poe's Telltale Heart, especially with the heartbeat, but you didn't. It was all very interesting and thought provoking. I'll probably send you a message to yell at you once I have a nightmare about this. =P
I do have one question. If I may ask, what made you write this? Did you just feel like it? Were you trying to get a point across? I'm just curious.
I loved the detail you put into it. Details, for me at least, make the story. I've suffered from a few panic attacks myself, and it is a rather singular experience. I've never really been able to explain it to anyone. It's hard to get someone to understand that it starts because of fear, then the lack of breathing and pain comes, then you become more afraid, which only makes it worse. It's a cycle. A jacked up, sadistic cycle, but that's the truth of the matter.
I enjoyed the fact that you put the reader into the character's head without turning it into one of those "woe is me" pieces. Clearly, the main character is not in the best of mental conditions, but it didn't come off as a weepy, pity me, sort of story.
severe--> sever her connection with the sweet abyss...
murder some other girls family --> girl's
It leaped for her -->leapt
Melanie chocked as vomit rose in her throat --> choked (I always have to correct myself on this word. Grr.)
Images of her family, throats torn open and skin pale white, and bodies twisted in unnatural positions on the living room floor, popped into her head. --> It is very possible that this is just me, but something about this sentence feels hinky to me. I think I might take out the 'and' before 'bodies'.
He patted her head reassuringly--> I know what you mean, but I don't know if patted is the right word. I don't know. I pat little kid's heads.
Overall, this was AMAZING! I liked the detail and the way you set the scene enough for me to picture it, but left room for my imagination. I liked the characters and that she didn't just accept his offer.Too often people write that the girl falls in love at first sight of him, but she didn't just decide to go against her whole life. I don't know. The first time I read it I just sat back and thought, "Woah. That was cool."
Yeah, if you keep posting I'll be keeping tabs on you for sure!
It took me a few tries because I sometimes do that thing where you skip a couple words in the sentence. Anyway, I think this is great! Everything seems so happy-go-lucky and then you completely threw us for a loop. I almost want to print it out and tape it to my wall for those rainy days when all men suck. You know the ones.
I don't really have advice for improvement on this one, I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed it. It made me giggle, and I don't giggle.
I'm new to critiquing so I don't know that I can give you any suggestions for improvement, but I have to say that I thin this poem is incredible. When I finished reading it I just kind of sat there for a couple seconds thinking, just...wow. It's kind of like this poem is what I, and probably many others, would want some one to say to me. But, not just say it. Mean it.
Anyone can say I'll be there. Anyone can say we're friends. But I feel like this poem is the difference between anyone, and the words of a friend who means it. One of my poems kind of talks about the opposite of this, so this poem really resonated with me, I guess.
Suffice to say, keep it up!
Random note:
I thought you did excellent in this poem, but some people say that poetry should be more about showing an idea rather than telling and they emphasize images and all that jazz. I personally don't believe that it is always necessary, but if you're interested in trying out a slightly different style you could try that.
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