1. (Joe would never forget what the activists did to him.) This opening line sounds present tense, but I think it would fit better and make the story easier to understand if it was past tense, or and a time given as to when he saw the activists.
2. (What about the people who didn’t choose?) This was the best line, for me, it made me think of the people who do not have a choice. BTW, I live near Atlanta and there is no job or amount of money to make me move further north...it's South, I'll be going, if I do chose to move again.
3. (“And, um, it would be good PR, too, for the company,” Joe concluded weakly.) Absolutely love what you did there!
4. (So now Joe was driving around town in a rented van...) "So now", does not seem enough here, how about 'Only a few hours later, OR as soon as Joe was off work, he.... OR Joe took the rest of the day off to rent a van and began..... See what I mean? Time is important to a story. This could have been in the 60's or 2025, it could Nov. Or Feb. It could be 1:00 a.m. or 1:00 p.m. As the reader, I have no idea.
A story concerns itself with someone’s reaction to what happens–feelings, emotions, impulses, dreams, ambition, motivations and inner conflicts. Your character must clue the reader into those feelings and emotions.
The first sentences of every scene must set the stage and anchor the reader to time and place. As quickly as possible, make it clear which character is telling this part of the story. Use the telling details of time and space and character reactions to what they see, touch, hear, smell, or taste. In other words, use the five senses to anchor the reader. After all, our senses are how we experience real life. Give those same clues to your reader so that they can experience what the character is experiencing.
5. (“Excuse me, ma’am?” he said, approaching her. She looked at him suspiciously, and he held his hands free of his pockets so he wouldn’t appear threatening.) This is excellent, shows good insight. However, I would change 'wouldn't to would not'. Avoid contractions as much as possible except in a conversation. Which you do conversations quite well! And that is no easy task! Consider changing ( and he held his hands free) to : keeping his hands free.....Remember the rule: Be concise.
6.( She and the children – two and four, they looked like – climbed inside. ) suggestion: She and the children, that looked to be around 2 and 4, climbed inside. Well, something like that. It would read smoother than saying 'looked like'.
7.(We got no one.”) We got no one here." to be more precise. My next questions would have been, "Can you contact them? I mean, would they help you out. Maybe you could move there? <----I am not the BEST conversation writer...but just saying I would be curious enough to ask about that. You know give a man a fish....or give a woman and her two children warmth for a night or two.....
8.(They went inside to bask in the heat.) I am not quite sure, but I feel you can make this sentence MORE, stronger, more precise, more something. I mean, they were expecting to spend another night on the streets in freezing cold, but a 'snow angel' saved them from that fate. I have no actual suggestions of what to put here. But I am sure you can see the weight of the matter and great relief, and the possibility that he has actually saved their lives. They would be more than extremely relieved.
9.(Joe went out to find some more people to bring inside) Maybe? Joe felt the warmth of her gratitude, the pleasure of knowing he had possibly saved the lives of three people, and he gave glory and thanksgiving to God for allowing him to do so. He, then, continued his mission to find more homeless, who needed the help he was allowed and able to offer. <---something like that...show some feeling, this is a powerful thing that he did, and God made it possible, in one sense, because of the opening line, this was his calling in life.
I enjoyed the story! It has a good theme, one that can be used over and over in a diverseness of settings and a variety of characters. It shows that although we cannot save everyone, we should still do what we can do, and with God's help, it will be much more than we think we can. Even at the possibility of personal loss. Many people do think this way, that they can't save everyone so why bother doing anything. You show here that even if it's only one person or a single mom and her two children, the effort is worth the doing of it. Very good! No misspelled words, no grammar errors, that I found. Keep writing... I'm sorry for such a long a review. I tend to write a lot; it makes up for not writing 'short stories" well. LOL Write On!! |
| (4.5)
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