I find dark sonnets and poems really inspiring. As my writing generally treads along the dark lines too. The first stanza, though wordy, was luring and good. I like your flow. Though, I don't like the frequent exclamation marks. The words speak for themselves. So the exclamations seem to overplay the emotions.
Your words encourage clear images in the mind. An awesome sonnet. After I read the first stanza, I thought, the flow was going to be terrible. (Especially the third line) But when I reached the end, the poem was full and satisfying.
Good chapter. You have potential to be a pretty awesome writer. To point out a few things, there are a certain elements in here which disturb the flow. But those will dissolve naturally, the more you write.
Show, not tell is an important factor too. That'll nudge readers to go ahead. I'll point out a few examples.
Instead of:
"Despite her two backpacks, Mara took advantage of everybody fighting with each other to move forward without being noticed. Since she was walking in zigzags looking for Sora, nobody paid attention to her as she advanced further and further in the crowd."
You could go for:
"Mara shuffled through the volatile crowd eyeing around for her sister. She had two backpacks. But people were too busy to notice her. They were pushing, grappling and thrusting their way to the front. Her sister was nowhere to be seen in this dense mob. She was probably inside, she told herself."
Not that better, but you get the idea. Try to give readers a visual using words to aid their imagination.
That's good and quite inspirational. The start was decent. But actually the poem turned out to be better than i had expected it to be. I liked the ending. You might try and improve your word choices a bit. Because the types of words you choose actually decides the readability of the poem. Keep a Thesaurus by your side. Your writing is confident, a bit immature, but really good to read. I'd like to read more of you. Keep writing.
It's a good piece. I love how you ended it. The description in the 3rd paragraph was really meaty and i loved it. You've got a huge element of confidence and flow in your writing and those two are one of the important qualities of a good writer. I could almost feel what was written and the girl/woman seemed real and believable. So you succeeded in your job. Great piece. Keep on writing!
That's good review mate. I liked the description and detailed explanation. In fact I'm gonna buy the app tomorrow, if all you say is true. Thanks for the review. You should do more app reviews I guess.
Well I've been to the Sin city. It was a wonderful experience. I'd have to go there again to actually see the Dawn. 'Coz I was snoring in the bed till 10. Sounds like a good Dawn and a well written Dodoitsu. You described the dawn well and the second line was the best. Keep writing.
Well, i have some relatives in Canada, and i showed it to them and they said it was helpful. Also the writing is organized and not monotonous, so it keeps the readers going.
Thanks for the advice. We're gonna follow that.
The star was decent. I was certainly hooked a bit. The flow was okay. The first part was overall good with crunch dialogues and good word choices. The second part was average with some hitches here and there. After that the hospital scene and the angel and that stuff was good too. The last part was great. It was the best. It was actually thrilling. Somewhere i see a novelist in you. 'Cause your writing pattern seems to to be more suited to novel writing than short stories. The last sentence was good, that's a nice way to end things.
Well i read this 'cause i watch cricket. Actually I support India. But I'm a huge fan of Shane Watson too. He plays in the IPL. I love watching him bat. About the poem, the poem was great, actually you can even sing it in a rap version. I'd seen the ton. Watson was wonderful. But Pakistan's in bad form. The real contest is gonna be between India and Australia on 26th. Don't miss it.
A good piece. Rather dark.
Actually you know what, I've never read something like this. The writing is near good. The content is racist. The pattern is innovative.
Well, over all I can say, you have talent.
A witty and short and shrewd piece. It was cool. Just that the word selection was a bit dull at times. But your writing was just like running spontaneously and the faults were hard to point. That makes it a well written piece and a cool example of the Go Vat Poem.
Actually a very unique piece. Seemed more of a letter than a poetry. But the beauty of the poetry was not lost due its letter-like addressing.
Well i dunno if its an official poetry which had thought out scratching your head for hours...or its just a birthday poem for your niece. Still the words suggest you can be an impressive writer.
Just sprinkle in some power verbs.....improve the flow (flow comes only with practice) and let the emotions blast out through the words. Then the Wow factor would raise itself.
Well..the words almost shout out that they were penned by an improving and developing writer. The word selections were good. Well i'll tell you a trick. Almost everything depends on your first line. The first words can make it or break it. So better think at least for an hour and you'll certainly get hit with a mind blowing starting line. And the starting line acts as a reader magnet. It can attract or repel readers depending on its quality.
"All I remember the quietness of that night in September, one month after delivery of my first baby. I mean I cannot now remember many related details of this event." was a big first sentence, always try to keep first sentences short..because the readers easily get tired on reading a long thing for a first sentence and are least likely to comprehend.
Well thats too much about the first line...(but its that important) Rest the the stories were standard and were cool! Try to add more power verbs to let the words drill though the reader's mind.
I like your style of writing. Hope you write more and improve to a great writer!
So, to begin with, a very childish but a standard poem nonetheless. Good use of words and i appreciate your attempt of trying to get the rhymes right and get in the humor element.The slinky was a cool invention, yet the picture was a but blurry for me. Except a few lines everything was good.
Yes the poem did what you wanted it to do. It communicated everything you meant. The words felt like a journal entry. Nevertheless the poem was a standard one. More dark words would have enhanced the quality. Dark poem writers use highly diabolic sounding words to almost control the heartbeats of the reader. This is not a pure dark poem....but still its a sadistic poem to some extent you succeeded in expressing the feelings. Try more to and practice more to get the knack to blast out emotions on paper!
You're a good writer. And could improve to a great one!
I decided, it'd be tedious. Nevertheless i started on. Well the first stanza was ordinary (no offense meant) The second stanza was better with much more to say. And repeating the "supporting a cause" was a great idea, because that drills into the reader the theme of the poem...or they'll find themselves groping above at the end.
By third and fourth stanzas you won my heart and i understood, this was no ordinary writer with some momentary craze for writing, but some person with some pure talent. All the rest of the lines were amazing.
Your word selections were almost next to perfect. And that made the long poem seem small at the end. Now just for some improvements, if i judged the "Wow" factor of the poem..it was about 50%. And to make it hundred you need to just improve the flow a bit.. Add a bit of power verbs to the stanzas and let the emotions blast out.
Then the "Wow" factor would come out to 100%.
I like your style. Waiting for more pieces from you.
Good! Actually better.....the words were almost accurate and to the point. I think the content well conveyed the thoughts you meant to convey. But one thing...The "Wow" factor was missing. I think you should work on using more power verbs in your writing to make the expressions powerful and to let the word drill though a persons mind like a revelation or something.
But overall, you are good! And i like your style...Looking forward to more pieces from you!
A really simple poem with no complicated elements and every bit of it shouts the word "surrender". I'm impressed. I'm a Hindu. Still I respect all religions. Your poem was more of a prayer. Still it didn't affect the beauty of the flow of the poem. Only that to gather a lot more readers you needed enchanting words and Apostrophes here and there. Then it'd have been charming.
A very short poem and one that's really tough to review if the reader doesn't interpret it to perfection.Hopefully i did. The poem was short and sweet to be concise. Everything went on good but the poem had to contain some more lines if you really wanted to connect to the reader.
Of course there have been poets who convey profound and ground breaking truths or ideas in 2 lines. "Bhagvatgita" is a huge example. Two lines convey ideas fitting through thousands of pages. Still your lines are not being underestimated. But it could be more powerful and the words should've bee hard hitting!
Yes it was difficult to see the humor in this piece...but that dosen't matter the least. Actually the first read made it seem a "lighthearted-but-a-bit-serious" article. But the second read gave me clarified my blurry picture. The piece is cool, some bits really thought provoking.
I'm not obese actually and nor do i smoke. (cause i come from india) But still the article interested me. The word selections were cool enough to get the reader to the end. A higher use of power verbs in the piece would've given it the "Wow" factor.
Hey LISTEN THIS. I AM NOT DOING IT FOR GIFT POINTS OK!!
I loved this one. Almost greatly professional and artistic. I think you should write a big book of such stories. Greatly chosen genre and pattern of written. It might become a hit with the stores man!
You are really great. PLEASE keep on writing more and more stuff of this type and amuse readers like us. Cheers.
A great and i should say an inspiring poem. Cause it inspired me to write a poem like this. I've never written a poem. I seldom enjoy it. But yours was an exception. I loved your style. Something different and unusual is present in your writing style. I'd like to see more poems from you.
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