I was mesmerized! When I got to the part where they found the stag crucified I was floored, what a great imagination you have.
I also loved how the mounts were made of bones. You gave such great detail through out your entire story and then the ending was not at all what I expected. Good for you for being brave and not choosing a happy one.
I only hope to write this well some day. Keep up the excellent work. I look forward to reading more.
I really liked this story. When I read the title I wondered how the plot would go. One thing I would like to point out is the first paragraph you have in quotations but I wonder who is she speaking to? If she is thinking this in her mind then you would leave off the quotations and find a way to let us know that this is a thought in her head.
I think you could even continue this story and tell us how they handle their affair. Good job, I look forward to reading more from you.
I really enjoyed this piece. What a great idea to write a letter from a vampire.
I like the overall theme of this piece and think that you have a solid character to work with. You have started a good foundation on how he was able to change others into vampires. You have also shown a great plot line to work with in that he intends to take over mankind. It could make for a great novel.
You should keep writing about him and see where he takes you.
First I wanted to say I have read all the chapters to this point. I rated the prologue but thought rather than rate each chapter separate I would do 1 review.
I have really enjoyed this story thus far. Again you have done a great job of pulling me in. Making me want to keep turning the page to find out more. I really want to know what the connection is between Luca and Nicolay, why does she seem different to him.
I can assume the group that Nicolay hangs with are vampires but you have never really say that. Other than we know they are old and the glowing eyes those are the only clues we have at this point. I like that you have not given to much away yet, just enough to tease.
I liked this very much. You did a good job of pulling me in, I felt like I was there and saw what he was seeing. The description of his burning body made me cringe as I could really see what it looked like!
I was a bit confused by the first scene. I felt like I was in the present and then with the next scene was thrown in the past. That seemed a bit unusual for a prologue.
All in all I felt you did a very good job on descriptions. You have made me want to turn the page so on to the next chapter I will go. Good job, keep on writing!
I have to admidt I am a big vampire fan so I was looking forward to reading this story. I really enjoyed it, you did an excellent job of pulling me into Beth's world. I certainly wanted to keep reading which is exactly what you what your readers to do.
I hope that you will finish this story. Excellent job and keep writing!
With the exception of a couple of typos you did a nice job. I did get a little confused with the transition towards the end but after a re-read I figured it out. You created a very nice picture in all of your descriptions.
I really liked this. You did a fine job of pulling me in and keeping me there. I was able to identify with Alex when he was standing in the store trying to decide what to get. I have seen that look on many male faces on Valentines Day.
You kept me reading wanting to know how it ended. The cliff hanger, would Tori forgive him? Keep up the good work and keep writing!
"barely visible though seem." I think you meant to say barely visible though seen?
"He turmed the knob" He turned the knob.
"tried to tugg" tried to tug.
"they were imovable" they were immovable.
"but it rested " but it resisted.
"can't just smach it " can't just smash it.
"not ta reason" - not to reason.
"son shine" sunshine.
"paralel" parallel.
I think this was very interesting. Made me wonder was he having a dream or was something more sinister going on. Reminded me of the Twilight Zone. Watch your spelling and keep on writing. Can't wait to see more!
Paragraph 1:
I like the description that you used for the people who line the street. I can really see them walking around almost in a zombie state. I did not see any misspelled words here so good on that.
Paragraph 2:
Another good description, I can see a city covered in nothing but smog. It gives me a sense of sorrow for those that live there. Again no misspelled words.
Paragraph 3:
Again good description. But I wonder what makes someone incompetent to be thrown into the streets? No misspelled words.
Paragraph 4-6:
By this point I am wondering who the man is and why on earth he is going to a place like this. It does not sound like he is being escorted so I assume he has chosen to go there. Good descriptions and no misspelling.
Over all I think the writing is good and you should continue. Now the rest is my personal preference. I like it when a writer double spaces between paragraphs, I think it makes reading much easier otherwise I find myself reading the same sentence over again.
I at least would like to know the man's name some where in the first few paragraphs. I feel like I can identify with the character better. To be honest at this point if this were a novel I would only read another chapter to give the writer a chance to hook me. Some action or drama or maybe even some good dialogue (again my personal preference) in the first few pages will keep me reading.
Let me know when there is more. Good luck, I think you off to a great start.
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