I found your poem on Read and Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
Overall I think it is very good. I am hugely impressed with the content and structure. It certainly impacts on the reader because of the truth that it carries and the structure within which every one of the deadly sins plays a character role in the flow of the story, or message.
Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
Storoem is a new poetical form to me. It certainly combines a number of forms, prose poetry being one of them. The format is very good overall, especially in the separation of the stanzas, which fit the general flow excellently.
The rhyme is good in the sense that it is in a c b d format, but the length of the lines throws one off the rhyme somewhat.
The metering is somewhat irregular and there is no consistent syllabic count.
Artistic Voice and Imagery:
This is good throughout.
Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
The grammar is odd in places, for example "....I’m a major reason divorce
ends the majority of marriages...", should the word "that" or "why" not be between reason and divorce? The same omissions appear in other places in the poem.
Suggestions:
The only suggestion that I can make is that you consider shortening the lines, where possible, and tidy up the grammar.
I found your poem on Read and Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
The general impression was good. This has so much potential.
Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
The form and format is generally fine, except that it is all in one stanza which, in general terms is fine for free verse or open format, but it would be better if stanzaic. E.g. a break to the next stanza at "Yet His rays......" and again at "May my heart be broken......."
The rhyme is good until the end of "A feint hiss......". Broken and wisdom don't rhyme. Consider a small change here.
Artistic Voice and Imagery:
This is certainly apt and relevant for a psalm. The amazement of God's love no matter what is very good.
Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
Grammar and spelling are good, as is the punctuation. For further effect, Structure and form may need to be changed as suggested above.
Suggestions:
As detailed above.
Blessings to you for a gallant effort. Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!
I found your poem on [insert where you found the story (review request, plug page, random read, etc.)]. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
My overall impression was good. There certainly is an element of freedom in the message.
Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
The form seems to be free verse. The format is a bit erratic, but I'm not sure of your intentions, as the lines are very short ad don't seem to flow logically. For example, consider restructuring it as follows:
Waving routine good-bye * or * Waving everyday routing good-bye *
Finally ready to open my eyes * or * I'm finally ready to open my eyes *
To see my life as it could be
Would you like to go with me?
The rhyme is good in places, but missing in other places. Sharpen it up a bit. The meter is generally out, I could not detect any set meter or syllabic count.
Artistic Voice and Imagery:
This is generally fine in terms of the general message.
Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
The grammar and spelling is alright except the line "Where will we'll go?", should be where will we go.
I have read this poem a number of times and my review follows.
- The poem's title is pretty good and it matches the theme and the message.
- I enjoyed reading the poem and followed the general flow of the story. I discovered the following:
- The punctuation and grammar are generally correct.
- The form matches that of a Quatrain. Quatrains are poems that have four line stanzas of any type, rhyme, or meter. This is good and suits the theme and the story.
- The poem doesn't have a set metering, nor a set syllabic count; unless there are hidden stress points that I have not picked up. This causes it not to flow easily. It creates stalling points and re-gather points. Please note though that with free form poetry there is not normally a set rhythm or metering either, but this form has other set characteristics particular to it.
- The poem is "wordy" or long winded in a number of places. Brevity is very important in poetry because one is attempting to say what is needed to be said by using fewer words. Attend to the vocabulary, I'm sure you will be able to fix it. E.g. "For hours and hours" should rather be, "for many hours". This shortens the syllabic count of the line and improves the flow.
- The rhyming is good, except for the last line of the last stanza. If you see to the brevity and a better metering, then the rhyming will also improve as it will fall more into line. Perhaps consider making the conclusive last line the fourth line of the last stanza - with a slight adjustment.
- I am not doing this review in order to edit the poem, but I have noticed a number of errors, e.g. "ease my sleep" rather that "easy my sleep".
Overall I am excited to see your brave attempt and, to my mind, this poem has wonderful potential.
Well done.
If you would like me to review and re-rate it again once you have made the corrections just let me know. I have included some GP's as a motivating reward.
On reviewing this poem I have had the following thoughts.
The title is good and it pricks my interest.
The structure is fine, i.e. free form, and it is apt in this type of poem.
It could do with some punctuation which will strengthen the message/story. For example, a comma after sublime in the 3rd line. Comma after 4th row of stanza 2. Likewise at the ends of many lines, even in the middle of some.
Grammar and vocabulary in places.
"Some as fragile as a wrinkles of old woman", should this be an old women or old women? "a wrinkles..." singular or plural.
"Some as small as newborn baby"; a newborn baby, or wouldn't just a newborn be sufficient?
Overall I think this poem has a lot of potential and the subject definitely makes one think. Well done.
General impression.
This topic with its message is good and thought provoking.
The title might be "Dawn Sunlight", as morning could mean anytime until 12h00 - mid-day. I presume you mean the sunlight at dawn or at awakening; a new day is dawned?
Structure and flow.
The basic structure is good with 4 lines per stanza; this aids the flow well, and the message flows through well.
For improved flow and ease of reading you might shorten some of the lines. "In the radiant sunlight of morning" might become ".... sunlight at dawn...".
"Step out anew in the world" might be better.
These suggesions are not cast in stone; just my thoughts.
Overall - well done. It just needs some polishing.
Impression:
My overall impression is very good. A bit long but thought provoking
Structure:
Good, well planned, and it flows very well.
Poetry form:
At first I thought that this was a Deca-syllabic poem and soon realized that it doesn't follow a set pattern. I took it to be Free Form, in which case it is good.
The stanzas are well structured and flow smoothly.The vocabulary could improve a touch in my view; e.g. "..And now it's time to.." might be henceforth. I'm not editing this piece so I'll say no more.
Overall I think that this is a good poem, it depends only from which perspective one reads it; i.e. as an academic, as an English master, as one who appreciates prose and poetry in general, etc.
Hey JP, this surely is inspiring and thought provoking. As some say, life on Earth is an illusion, a holographic illusion. Well done. A couple of places I may have inserted a comma, full stop in other, check for length of lines or syllabic count, but that's just me.
The story - content - is well written and sincerely comical.
Re the form and style of poetry I am unsure; free form in a way and with poetic licence it may pass. It looks like it is a little piece of prose that has been broken into poetic stanzas of four rows each. In this sense you will need to correct some grammatical errors like stanzas beginning with capitalized letters. Also attend to stanzas that seem to go straight on from the last row of the previous stanza in terms of punctuation and grammar.
As I mentioned earlier, there is no syllabic count, which is fine for free form, but the stanzas seem to get longer and longer.
Otherwise the poem is good and has wonderful potential if you really do want to structure it as a poem.
My humble opinion is that the poem is good and has wonderful potential, with some changes as noted below and some spacing to emphasize effects. The style, I presume, is free form, which is fine as I don't judge or put much importance on the form alone.
1st line - after "I'm floating", put a comma and consider ending it with a semicolon.
4th line - after more vastness put a hyphen
5th line - "with only the promise of more darkness" consider changing the 'with only the promise' to - promising only more of the darkness. I'm not sure about your metering and syllable stresses on this line.
I suggest a blank line before and after the "Who are you" and the "What are you questions" and put a hyphen before and a hyphen after each.
I suggest a blank line after 'Silence" and without the exclamation mark. This to enforces the effect of the silence.
After "You're amongst the shadow", no exclamation mark but rather a semicolon. After "Embrace stillness" put the exclamation mark, and consider changing it to 'Embrace the stillness'.
Consider splitting the second last line into two lines of two words each.
With all my ideas you may need to rethink the rythm, the syllables, the stresses, and or the metering, but I'm sure it will be good.
Overall it is a good poem. Congratulations.
Please alert me if you make any changes and I'll consider rating it higher.
Style and structure: very good with a bit of revision as below.
Content: good and true, wise advice as a tutorial or an instruction in writing.
Grammar, punctuation and vocabulary: generally this is good, perhaps deal with the very few changes I suggest below. This is a more modern form of writing than what I personally use.
Overall: very good.
The crossover from paragraph 6 to paragraph 7 needs attention and revision of spacing.
Last paragraph: "....the author may reach a point where they feel that what they have written...." author is singular should be plural to fit with the word "they"
"...revision is not always an easy task to approach..." approach - maybe "deal with"
"Regardless, it is a necessary evil that we, as writers must not endure, but embrace." Suggest a comma after writers
5th paragraph: ..."look at revision..." maybe use view or regard?
"framing of language --that is when...." two hyphens?
"...unclear, think the author told vs. showed or think the meter is off or that it needs this or that" - I think that think should be thinking or "they think", a comma after showed and a comma after off.
I love it. It touches me and makes my skin tingle. In fact it is good in every way and I have nothing to criticise at all. It is true in form as well. Just one thought, 2nd line last stanza, do you mean star lit sea perhaps?
Congratulations on a wonderful poem.
Hi there. Technically, in terms of structure and form this poem is very good, as is the general flow. I found it quite interesting and thought provoking, especially in the sense that there is a definite contrast in that stanzas 1 to 5 warn against the risks of letting moments excite one, however the last stanza promotes seizing every moment to ensure happiness. This is an interesting contrast but it might play against top marks in my humble opinion.
One vocabulary problem I noticed is the the word insure which should be ensure; to my mind anyway.
In the third stanza, end of line 1, there are -- , not sure it is right.
The fifth stanza - ..."those moments’ eye-catch" seems a bit awkward; I'd suggest finding another word or phrase.
By the way, this poem reminds me somewhat of the song, 'Stuck in the moment', by U2.
Anyhow, just a bit of polish and it should get 5 stars.
Good, light and entertaining. Rhyming in some places and not in other; i.e. seemingly not consistent. Capitalisation at the start of some stanzas or sentences and not other makes for a bit of awkward reading. Otherwise well done.
The concept is thought provoking in terms of judgement, self-judgement and an objective view of your survival - possibly at the expense of other peoples' happiness or survival.
The structure is somewhat strange and the use of Iv in place of I've, however, taking poetic licence into account, it is acceptable; but the message comes across quite clearly.
Press on and create more inspirational poetry and prose.
Regards,
Vaughan Jones.
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