Greetings and Salutations, Dominic!
I've just finished reading your story "Lost Thoughts"  , and would like to share these comments with you.
What I liked most: The emotion of the piece. Quite possibly I am just a silly old woman, but your story brought a few tears, and I don't cry that easily.
Concept: A not uncommon piece about love and regret, it has the feel of authenticity and genuine emotion. We are quite often most successful as writers when we write of our own experiences, or at least fold something of its emotion into a story. Your title is not bad, but I am not sure that Lost Thoughts really captures what you were trying to convey. Suggestion: Lost Chance. Maybe, as he no longer has the opportunity to share the pain and guilt of his mother's death with his father, that is what you were going for?
Character: Of the two, Jason is better defined. While many of the details that might allow your reader to "see" him more clearly are absent, he is shown through the range of emotions he has throughout the story. It is possible to love someone and still be angry with them, as Jason feels about his father and his smoking. Love and guilt also go hand in hand. His pleasure with a job that lacks status but allows him to care for his father expands on the empathy you feel for his character. Still, he seems a little distant in the first several paragraphs and additional hints to his character might be good.
The father is not nearly as detailed, though little bits and pieces come through. Dying of cancer, though as a result of his own actions, should make him a sympathetic character, but that sympathy doesn't come through as well. Putting his family first, at least in that he continuing working at the steel mill to support his family, aids in his defense a little more. We know he loves his son, and later confesses his guilt for his wife's death, but it just doesn't come off as "real" as Jason's emotions. Jason is likely the character you more personally identify with, but perhaps you could spend sometime imagining the story from the father's POV and see if that helps expand on his character better.
Setting: Beginning and ending in the bathroom gives the short story some symmetry, and the description of the chair is one of the best-painted aspects of the story. Mentioning the ranch gives a hint of a western location. A tiny bit more detail on your setting may also improve the story.
Structure: The easiest aspect of a story for a new writer to fix, your piece could use a bit of polish in this regard. First the spacing made the story hard to read, and assuming you want to provide the best possible experience for your readers, I would correct that first. Your first sentence provides a nice entrance to the story, though it should be "bathroom" without the space between the words.
Tense is mixed in a few places which makes the read a bit confusing. One example: "Jason stands at the sink with his hands on either side of the rim and is looking at the water running down the drain with his head held low." Stands and is looking don't agree, though there are many options to tweak this sentence. Maybe: Standing at the sink with his hands on either side of the rim, Jason watches the water run down the drain with his head held low. Or more directly: Jason stands at the sink and watches the water run down the drain. With his head held low, he asks himself, "Is it somehow my fault?" Simple but nice alliteration and feel of the words.
The second paragraph is a bit awkward, though not due so much to tense. "Although he knows his father is lying in the next room soundly asleep, he knows that inside his father is fighting for his life." Two uses of "he knows" in the same sentence is repetitious, and the adverb soundly does not fit well. Following this with the sentence fragment "Struggling with cancer in his lungs." when a more common phrase would be struggling with lung cancer. These are related thoughts, though, and you could easily wordsmith this to make it flow better. But in the same paragraph you throw in a lot more info that makes it seem like you are just trying to get the details out of the way so you can get on with sharing Jason's emotions and story. Perhaps just move the Dad pieces into a new paragraph and expand on it a little, so you don't get stern and cancer and steel mill mixed in with Jason's emotions.
There are several places with missing commas to set off the dialog tag, or case issues. For instance: "What do you need?" He replies. should be lowercase he. and "he says to the coroner "I think I am going to go to the bath room, I'll be back in a minute." " should have a comma after coroner. See http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialog... for a succinct list of examples.
Mom and Dad are inconsistently capitalized throughout the story.
There are more examples, but I hate to seem like I am picking on the punctuation and grammar. However, it is one more aspect of giving your readers the best possible experience, so it is good to go through these kinds of things with a fine-toothed comb.
Voice: Again, the voice in this piece is one of the strongest aspects of the story, at least IMHO. Writing emotionally can easily turn trite or maudlin and you escape both.
Overall Impression: For a first story here, this is a great beginning and bodes well for your future as a writer! I would not have spent the time to read and review it if I didn't think so, though my comments may seem a bit harsh. I would be happy to re-read the story and give you another critique if you decide to work on further polishing.
Of course, writing is a very personal thing, and this review represents only my opinions. Please use what helps you and disregard the rest. I appreciate you sharing your story with me, and if anything I wrote was confusing, please free to write me back for more clarification.
This review was provided in affiliation with the Paper Doll Gang, a group dedicated to providing quality reviews and helping new members learn their way around. While membership in the group requires at least the upgraded level, if you are interested in joining our active group, please let me know. We would love to have you as a member, and you will learn a lot about navigating the site, writing detailed reviews that go beyond "I liked your story," as well as quite possibly finding some good friends who share your interests.
Keep writing and may the muse shine on your efforts!
Thanks,
Laurie
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Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret. - Matthew Arnold |
| (3.5)
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