I did'nt* (didn't) mean to shake my baby was* (do you need the 'was' here?) so hard
I did'nt* (didn't) mean to send my child to school with scars.
Interesting that the last paragraph rhymes but the other don't.
A good piece that maybe needs some more elaboration.
Suggestion- You state the excuses, but could you also give some helpful ideas of how to stop the cycle of abuse or what the abused should do in response?
At last another person who appreciates a good western. This was a great snap shot of the saloon lifestyle.
If you're interested I have couple stories here that combine a little supernatural trait into a western world. They're based on the Deadlands dime-novels by pinnacle.
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Good, I'd suggest spacing your paragraphs for an easier read and hitting a thesaurus to spice up the lingo a little more. ('died' could be 'passed away' or use a brief descriptive of what exactly happened to him like 'the place where Danny was disemboweled' or decapitated. Have a little fun at the reader's suspense.
Maybe a bit more description on the thing in the dark, it doesn't have to be in incredible detail but give the reader a partial suggestion of what its face resembled, did it have a distinct smell or did his fingers touch it before he lit the match. Draw the reader in by lightly stimulating their senses. Really pull them in into Danny's dilemma so that they get a sense of what he was up against.
I got chills reading this, truly a scary story. The elements of religion really sold the end of the world feeling, the reaction of the tv reporter added a sense of realism and great credibility to the story.
From such a humble beginning as lawn weeds you built up a feeling of such dread that as a married new father it all became so unthinkable.
Well done sir.
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