Chelsea Walsh, thank you for writing. This is a very good poem. You say what needs to be said, simply, clearly, beautifully done.
The title made me stop in my tracks.
I lost it, had to finish up an earlier review and keep hitting the "back" button to find it again. Because that's me, a saved Catholic. So many people don't think Catholics are even Christians, let alone saved. But you're right, it's in the awareness of His power flowing through us.
It isn't the world; it is His house, "a house of pure love" as you so-wonderfully put it.
There are a couple of typos, "truly" not "truely" "we'll leave when no one is looking" but that doesn't detract from the clarity of your work. Please keep writing, let Him flow right through.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
Merry Christmas! May you be abundantly blessed!
Very short, but very good. Every line is important; nothing is wasted. There is no obvious rhythm, but it flows nonetheless. Keep writing, your work is insightful, succinct and deeper than you may know. I look forward to reading more. Keep writing, and Merry Christmas to you!
I think I would have made this a five, but for the typos in the middle section. Beautifully done. Your town reminds me of a visit to Vermont, near Montpelier, where the trees are so beautiful and the road seems to go on forever, winding through the hills. Your writing is clear and simple.
Don't worry, I do read lots of other writers, but it's so nice to come back and read something good, here.
You're right; this is excellent. I thought maybe the Depression, in paragraph 3 should be capitalized, to make it clear you're not just talking about the woman herself being depressed, & there was a typo in the middle of Joe's part, but I can't find it now,(sorry, I know that's annoying.) I've also found the thread that runs through all of your stories I've read so far: faith. Reminds me of my favorite scripture, Romans 10.17. Just enjoy your writing so much.
Yours,
Barbara
Hey, this is good. But I'm hoping she doesn't marry the bozo. How can you trust someone who ran out on you & just wants back in because he needs someone to lean on?
There are a few typos that distract from your writing: "tired" is misspelled twice as "tierd" in paragraphs #11 and #14. "Expected" is misspelled as "excpected" in paragraph #6. Minor points, I know, good story, drew me right in. Keep writing, Rumy!
Interesting -- I felt like I was dying. We are not our thoughts, I remembered; they are not us. Then, the salty tang of the sea compared to sweat, the heaviness of body being left behind. I liked the imagery all through this poem, though it was sad. Then, that wonderful hint of something happier, escaping at last. Thanks for sharing this; I enjoyed reading your poem!
Hi Web-Witch
This was so funny! I'm a Bay Area native (Burlingame, actually) & remember what it was like taking friends around the City. You really brought that alive for me. One minor comment "mother in law in toe" should be "in tow" unless you have a foot fetish. Not going there...anyway, great piece, you have a wonderful sense of humor. Can't wait to read more of your stuff.
lol,
Barbara
"Honest, encouraging, respectful, well-rounded, visually appealing": that's what I needed to hear. Having just joined writing.com, I was casting around the site for some useful information on reviewing other writers. I wanted to strike the right balance between being genuinely helpful without unintentinally eviscerating someone. I'm sensitive about my writing; I'm sure other are too. We need clear advice and good wishes to keep going.
The questions listed are excellent, just what I need to keep things in perspective. They are what I want to hear from others about my writing: how did it make you feel? Really helpful, thanks!
Thank you very much for answering so many of my newbie questions in this very useful space! I am copying sections into my own personal "writing advice" document, to read over and over. I just joined the site yesterday, and I'm feeling a bit lost, but I keep searching around the site, and there is so much information and so many friendly people willing to help. This is a very encouraging site, thanks again!
Okay, yes, it does need some work, but how cool to write an imaginative, creative account of the traditional story of Genesis.
Here are a few typos I noticed, just because I'm a spell-check nut:
Prologue: para 3 "purest" not purist
para 5 "Won't you sit..join me?" should have a question mark.
Chapter One: eightremaining, needs a space between the words, and shouldn't the Wardu be capitalized, especially if they're a tribe or whatever?
Bset way to catch all those errors that get in the way of your writing is to read your work out loud.
I have to admit, when I got to Para 11 and 12 (in the Prologue) I was put off by the way you changed the story -- who is the man who kills the Serpent? Major change in the story. Is he a demon, in which case why would he kill his master, who is Satan in disguise? The whole point of Genesis is that the serpent/Satan wins, so changing the story to kill off the serpent loses me. Genesis turns out to be nothing more than a romance novel. Also, are the two sons supposed to be Cain and Abel? I was getting confused at several points.
(BTW, might as well admit I'm an MA in Theology.)
Having said all that, I'm curious where you're going with this. Is your plan to write a creative take on Genesis? If so, I would stick more closely to the traditional story, because most of the Prologue is lovely, before the unknown man shows up and bumps off the Serpent. I'm impressed by what you've shown us so far; it's an ambitious undertaking.
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