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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wordsrmylife1
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23 Public Reviews Given
23 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Sample Writing  Open in new Window.
Review by WordsRmyLife Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I didn't want to rate this, because my rating would be low. The reason, the whole beginning is very boring and monotonous. Personally, I would start the story here:

I looked around the room, feeling the tension building inside me. The other's(others) seemed oblivious to the growing danger, or they just didn’t care. I watched as the middle-aged man stared intensely at the young girl. She seemed to be about 16 or 17 and was giving the man her best sexy eyes. I wanted to scream at everyone “THIS IS THE MAN THAT WAS JUST RELEASED FROM PRISON. HE WAS IN JAIL FOR COMMITTING A STRING OF GRISLY MURDERS!!! WHY IS NO ONE STOPPING HIM!!” but the words wouldn’t come out. His daughter, who was my student, had invited him, and seemed to be the only other person who was concerned about the scene unfolding in front of us. The girl coyly moved over to him and sat on his lap. In(At) that moment, an overwhelming amount of fear gripped me. An aura more evil(eviler) than I had ever experienced filled the room, with darkness engulfing the walls. A sadistic smile spread across the man’s face as he grabbed the girl.

All at once, chaos exploded in the room. Everyone burst from the room, running and screaming at the top of their lungs. I knew there was nothing I could do, except get out of that room. I made it into the parking lot before I started sobbing, fear wracking my body and immobilizing me. I heard the girl screaming and my mind filled with the images(Just "images") of what he was doing to her. Yet, the only thing I could focus on was one small thought: You are his target and that will be you next.

I bolted awake from the nightmare, still feeling the deep-seated fear that had visited me in my dream. “So much for the blissful nights sleep,” I muttered. Looking around my apartment, it suddenly felt cold and lonely. This was the one thing that I hated about living alone. I hadn’t had a nightmare in awhile(a while), and this one had been especially intense. The feelings of insecurity, dread (comma) and fear in my dream had followed me into my conscious state. My apartment that (which)usually felt cozy and endearing, now made me feel vulnerable and unprotected. I turned on a few lights, and double checked (double-checked) that the doors were locked. I snuggled my cat for a brief moment, climbed back into my bed (comma) and closed my eyes. The fear came back instantly, and my mind began replaying the nightmare. I tried unsuccessfully to redirect my mind, to focus on something pleasant, to drown out the nightmarish scene in my head. After a few minutes, I gave up and opened my eyes. The t.v. flashed on and I started flipping through Netflix. If I couldn’t get rid of the nightmare, then I would drown it out by watching every sappy chick flick I could find. After a few movies, I finally drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

Now you can start with her not wanting to get up (since her sleep was disturbed). The reader will understand immediately why she is dragging. Then I would get off the subject of how tired she is, because that just makes the reader tired, then bored. You want to keep the momentum moving and the reader engaged.

Please don't take offense to my critique of your writing. This is just my one-person opinion. I believe you have a passion for writing. I can see you greatly improve the more you write. Thank you for letting me view your creative writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of David's Obsession  Open in new Window.
Review by WordsRmyLife Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very well done. Kept me interested from start to finish. This would make a great mini-novel. I like how the story progresses. The only thing I do not like is the character development. I do not know what any of the characters look like. You do not describe them in any way. (Height, facial structure, body type, hair style and color, clothes, eye color, etc...) I couldn't picture the characters as they spoke or performed tasks. A mini-novel would allow you a chance to describe the location, and characters to a greater extent. A reader can better connect with and invest in characters they can visualize and emotionally identify with.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of word search.  Open in new Window.
Review by WordsRmyLife Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
It was fun. thanks
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Review by WordsRmyLife Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi... I tried to find your novel, but I don't know which one it is. Could you sent me a link or the number code? I'd like to look at it. I really enjoyed the weaver story, which left me with many more questions and an urge to see what happens. That would be a good one to expand. Thank you.
5
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Review of The Fourth Child  Open in new Window.
Review by WordsRmyLife Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Brief Explanation of my rating system:

5 stars-- Perfect or as near perfect as any published book I've read. Publishable as is. I would recommend to a friend.

4 Stars-- Above Average. High quality with a few tweaks and corrections needed. I would recommend to a friend.

3 Stars-- Average. Neither good nor bad. Something anyone could write. Normal errors and problems. Left me with an "eh" shoulder shake. Not particularly motivated to read more.

2 Stars-- Below Average. I had to struggle to finish readying it. Needs many corrections and edits. Would NOT recommend to a friend.

1 Star-- Sub par. Way too many errors and issues to even finish reading. Would not recommend.

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My Review...

My First Thoughts:
Very creative idea. I like the premise that the human was actually a tick on the back of the sentient being. I guess a better analogy would be a mosquito, seeing as she stuck a drill in and was extracting the crystals. Puts forth a strong message of mankind's smallness in the scheme of things. I hate to admit this because at my age, I really should have known this, but I thought satellites were only man made mechanical things. Learn something new every day. Took me a minute and a dictionary to realize this.

What I liked:
This was an easy read. Flowed nicely from paragraph to paragraph. The plot idea surprised me. I take it the being is like a snail or turtle where it's shell is the rocky surface? Mamma being an actual planet was a nice touch as well.


Suggestions:
When you bring in the little girl you trip up on POV a little. Get rid of “the woman” reference. You started in Dana’s POV and she would not refer to herself as the woman. Keep to her name or proper pronouns.

Correction needed: She knows everything about me. Dana thought with eyes widen in shock still. The tense of the second sentence is off. State Dana thought with eyes wide in shock. Or Dana's eyes widened with the thought, still in shock.

Panicked, Dana moon hoped back towards her rig, opened the hatch and climbed inside. "hoped" should be "hopped" and I would hyphenate moon-hopped, since it is used as a singular descriptive term.

Final Thoughts:
This brings many questions to mind... What year is this? How can one person handle the drilling, gathering, packaging and transporting of the chrystals mined? There should be others around, space truckers to transport product back to the places that use it. Laborers that extract and package the product for transport. There would need to be a storage facility somewhere. Whose her boss? If mamma is a huge gas planet nearby, why would she tolerate humans hurting her babies? Why did the being allow Dana to mine her and her siblings all these times and picked this time to confront Dana? Where's Dad? How far from Earth is she? Is mother able to move around? Imagine a huge planet traveling around space. Talk about throwing off other planets as she passed by. (Gravitational pull and all) I'd like to get a chance to see Dana. There is not much description of her physical appearance. This could make a good novella. Elongating this into a novella would give you plenty of time to develop Dana's character, better set the time frame and back story. Thank you for the enjoyable read.
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Review of Yffi's Discovery  Open in new Window.
Review by WordsRmyLife Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Brief Explanation of my rating system:

5 stars-- Perfect or as near perfect as any published book I've read. Publishable as is. I would recommend to a friend.

4 Stars-- Above Average. High quality with a few tweaks and corrections needed. I would recommend to a friend.

3 Stars-- Average. Neither good nor bad. Something anyone could write. Normal errors and problems. Left me with an "eh" shoulder shake. Not particularly motivated to read more.

2 Stars-- Below Average. I had to struggle to finish readying it. Needs many corrections and edits. Would NOT recommend to a friend.

1 Star-- Sub par. Way too many errors and issues to even finish reading. Would not recommend.

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My Review...

My First Thoughts:
At first, I didn't understand the purpose of this. Short story? Beginning to future book? This type of story is not in my usually preference, however I found myself intrigued by the character. You painted the character's enthusiasm so well, I became enthused as well. Your flow is wonderful and easily transports me from one thought to the next.

What I liked:
I love your flow and well-chosen, concise wording. Your obvious mastery of the English language is impressive. Believe me when I say, not everything I review shows the same level of knowledge and mastery. You have a special talent for grabbing a reader's attention and slowly bringing them along with the character through to the end. I can't define it. It's like when Simon tells AGT contestents they sing so well they could sing the phone book and it would sound wonderful? Your writing is like that.


Suggestions:
I noticed a few things missing to make this a complete piece. First, You do not describe what Yffi looks like. The only physical hints are when you hint to an injured or crippled body (when he's dancing). I do not know his age, hair color, whether he's going grey, whether he has a beard, is thin or chubby, etc... Second, you do not state the time period (year, day, time of day, etc...). Third, if this is a prologue or chapter to a larger work (book), it would be helpful to direct the reader that more is to come. I couldn't tell whether this stands on its own or that there is more.


Final Thoughts:
I liked this. I didn't start out thinking I would. The subject matter didn't seem like anything I would be interested in. That alone is testament to your writing skill. Thank you for the enjoyable read.
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Review by WordsRmyLife Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Brief Explanation of my rating system:

5 stars-- Perfect or as near perfect as any published book I've read. Publishable as is. I would recommend to a friend.

4 Stars-- Above Average. High quality with a few tweaks and corrections needed. I would recommend to a friend.

3 Stars-- Average. Neither good nor bad. Something anyone could write. Normal errors and problems. Left me with an "eh" shoulder shake. Not particularly motivated to read more.

2 Stars-- Below Average. I had to struggle to finish readying it. Needs many corrections and edits. Would NOT recommend to a friend.

1 Star-- Sub par. Way too many errors and issues to even finish reading. Would not recommend.

___________________________________________________________________________

My Review...

Character Development:
Sky's personality is touched on. His impatience, his dislike of his "curse". What I miss is knowing what he looks like. You can describe his physical appearance as he compares himself to others. As he sizes up the threats compared to his physical capability, whether the waitress is attracted to him or not, etc... There is much about Sky the reader does not know.

Story Line/Plot:
Sky is searching for the cure to his "curse" and to find out about how he was cursed in the first place. A little flashback or back story would be good. There are many many questions. Some questions are good to motivate a reader to keep reading, however too many make the reader feel like they are floating out in the void with nothing to focus on or latch onto.

You did catch me from the beginning. I wanted to find out where this was going. I found myself disappointed. You not only need to capture the reader's attention, you need to hold it. In order to hold my attention you need to accomplish three things: One-- Make me care about the characters, invest me in their plight or life. Two--Vary the pacing and action to direct my emotional involvement and keep me interested. Variety of pacing staves off reader boredom. Three-- give clues and direction that leads the character to the next scene or chapter. You end this chapter with Sky (and invariably the reader) learning nothing, accomplishing nothing. There must be something to spurn the next move and propel the reader to the next chapter.

Grammar & Punctuation:
...a faction whose bane almost matched Sky’s, the only he could find in the universe. Should read...the only one he could find in the universe. There are a few issues with punctuation, but not much.

Scene & Ambiance Development:
Brief description of the bar/restaurant is good. Remember to use all five senses when picturing the scene for your reader. You state it is evening, however you also say he has spent all day following the man. The fact that he used his curse six times in the evening would suggest it is very late or he's been popping his curse like a strobe light. I do not get a good view of the geography or people occupying the scene. Is this a city of mix-matched species, races, or predominately one or two species? What is the planet's name? You name the city, but not the planet. Is Sky human or humanoid? Is he from Earth? Does Earth exist in this story's universe? How did Sky get to the planet? Is it hot, cold, wet, weather? See what I mean? So many questions.

Your pacing is quick and doesn't allow you to fully develop the scene. I would suggest separating this into two chapters. Sky following the Forgotten through the area, which will allow you better descriptions of Sky and the planet. It will also let you develop a sense of time passing. Then I would make the restaurant scene the second chapter. You can expand on the characteristics of the man he's tracking which clued Sky into recognizing the guy as a Forgotten. Sky's character can better shine as you give more glimpses of him and his personality evaluating and interacting with person's in the restaurant.

Why is the firedancer there? Is he a thief? An Assassin? This should be answered so the reader is not distracted or confused.

Dialogue:
There isn't much dialogue here. What is said seems appropriate.

Overall Thoughts and Suggestions:

I like the plot as it is suggested. I think I can like Sky. There was enough in the beginning to catch my attention and keep me reading to answer the questions that popped into my head. I was disappointed that almost all of my questions were unanswered and I had no reason to continue reading, if there was a chapter two. I did like the last line of the bell ring. Good touch. The weakness of story-line and pacing throw me off. If you strengthen those I feel it would easily score 4 stars.

Hope this helps.
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for entry "Invalid Entry" Open in new Window.
Review by WordsRmyLife Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
My First Thoughts:
It's starting to come together! Your POV is much better in this chapter, only switching between the two of Niaris and Astiroth. There are a few instances where the POV does switch within the same paragraph and needs to be corrected. Example of the Death Demon's POV in Astiroth's interaction. Should have stayed in Astiroth's once he enters the scene. POV should be only Niaris's before he appears. Never have more than two POVs in a chapter. This will keep fluidity and focus for the reader.

What I liked:
The pacing, once again, is wonderful! I like how you are slowly connecting the dots for the reader. Plot is reinforced.


Suggestions:
There are run-on sentences and long-winded sentences that can be streamlined better. The first two paragraphs are prime examples. You paint a wonderful scene, however the descriptions are a bit wordy. You can still have strong, well written prose while saying what you need to say in the least amount of words. (Heck, that was a long-winded line. LOL) I could go through and edit sentences, but you will learn more and develop the eye better when you do it yourself. If you require further assistance feel free to email me and I will do my best to help.


Final Thoughts:
What does the little girl and her brother have to do with the plot or story-line? They have disappeared from the story. This bothers me, but I will hold out hope that they will reappear soon. This answered questions and then threw in new ones to keep me hooked. Re-read and edit excessive and unnecessary wording, tweak POV to be consistent and this would be a FIVE star chapter.


Hope this helps.
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for entry "Chapter 1" Open in new Window.
Review by WordsRmyLife Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Character Development:
Since this is just the beginning, it is understandable that the characters' personalities are limited. I definitely get a good sense of who is a good guy and who is a bad guy.The physical descriptions are good.

Story Line/Plot:
I'm definitely intrigued. You have captured and held my interest.

The story-line is difficult to follow because of the way you have structured your Prologue and first chapter. I have made suggestions to correct this and allow for greater flow and understanding.

The plot is overcoming a threat to the Reaper's throne.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Pupilless is not a word. Also, that appears to be a run-on sentence. It would flow better if you broke this into two separate sentences. Perhaps rephrase as: He fell to a skidding stop. His solid blue eyes widened at the sight…

Run-on sentences is a writer's most frequent mistake. We tend to show off our eloquent or flashy prose. For a reader, the long winded sentence stops the flow and causes confusion. Eliminating excessive or redundant wording will greatly improve the chapter.

Scene & Ambiance Development:
POV issues. Example...Noticing another being before him, Astiroth turned his black eyes to the woman that stood beside the knight. The corner of his mouth twitched at the sight of Aneira The qheilae's glare narrowed in a warning to the gray-skinned man. She maintained her silence, her full lips a thin line from the tightness of her clenched jaw. His lack of morals, formal etiquette and cockiness racked at her core. She hated him and everything he represented. This goes from Astiroth's POV to Aneria's in the same paragraph. He would not refer to himself as "grey-skinned man" nor could he get into her mind and know what she thinks of him.

You are good at describing the location, surroundings, lighting, etc. I can picture it as I read. Your greatest strength is you pacing. You write in the same way the music warns Jaws is coming, I can sense the urgency or feel the slight push to keep reading. Well done.

Dialogue:
Okay for the type of genre. I would like to see a little difference in speech between the characters. Such as one character always saying "dude" or another pausing mid-sentence as a quirk. Stuff that gives the characters individual personalities.

Overall Thoughts and Suggestions:

I don’t like the frequent scene and POV changes within this one chapter. It chops at the flow and causes confusion. Possibly restructure this chapter. If it were me, I would replace the previous Prologue with Bleiz’s leaving home scene. Then I’d start with the knock on Astiroth’s door, leaving it in his perspective until the very end.

Hope this helps.



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for entry "Prologue" Open in new Window.
Review by WordsRmyLife Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This reads more like regular story line than a journal entry. Perhaps add year/date then tweak phrasing to better go with a first-person journal entry style. Pretend to write your own journal entry for the day or for reflection and notice how you actually write it. I don't know anyone who would list their parents' names. Why? They already know who their parents are. I would eliminate the prologue altogether. The background info and emotion can be better given within the book chapters as you gradually show the scenes and Characters to your reader.
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Review of In Silent Service  Open in new Window.
Review by WordsRmyLife Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I thought your plot is sound. Your technical knowledge shows and adds authenticity to the piece. There are quite a few punctuation errors. A formal review is located in the Sci-Fi Guild. I also emailed you a notification. Thank you for the enjoyable read.
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for entry "Forgetting" Open in new Window.
Review by WordsRmyLife Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I'm not a poet, nor do I read it much. I love your grasp of the English language. Your play on words is delightful. Your writing easily flows, provokes thought, then leaves one wanting more. My favorite line is "words left our heads without being spoken". Very well done, but this is a novice's opinion. Hope you check out my latest book. I'm off to read something else.
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Review of Black Box  Open in new Window.
Review by WordsRmyLife Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I prefer not to rate an unfinished or draft piece of work, so don't be offended if it seems low, they force me to rate if I want to write a review. I am always honest in my reviews and do not sugarcoat or blow fluff. So here is my opinion:

Your writing style flows nicely, easy transitions from one thought to the next, one paragraph to the next. I rated it better than average because I think you have talent, however the piece is a bit rough. It is very short, but leaves me wanting to know what is going on and who the mystery woman is. I'm not a big fan of first person narrative, I think it limits the writer. I would like to see the work site, time of day and characters better. More description there would be helpful. No names to identify the speakers is also a put-off, especially at the beginning of a written work. You caught my attention, but had a hard time keeping my interest in what was going on, because I couldn't get close to the characters. When you have more written, email me and I would be happy to do a formal critique. Hope my suggestions help. If you have some free-time, please stop into my portfolio and check out my newest novel. Thank you.
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