Deeply moving. The repetition of " a loving mother" keeps the focus of the poem tight.
The poem is a wonderful tribute to your mother- and to your own courage.
This is a good, honest poem. Everyone's been there at some time or another. I like the repetition of " I hate it" - by and large the rhythm works well. Did I enjoy it ? Yes Did it tell me something ? Yes.
This works very well. I love " dark seed'_ that is really good. You deal with the problem of being human- you do good stuff, you do bad stuff...how does it all add up ? And, when it comes to it, what kind of a person are you ? Everyone has to deal with these questions- so your poem hits a nerve in every reader. What YOU write makes ME think. That's what poetry is about.
I'm stuck with one line though:
I oppertunate the wrongs I see others do,
Don't know what you mean- and that throws me off balance for a moment.
Really good stuff, this- honest and thought provoking. Keep writing
This has more the feel of a song lyric than a poem- the repetition would work well if set to music. I like the rhythm too
I'm not happy with the near-rhymes " life" "sacrificed" "embrace" "escape"- it's neither one thing or another.
I'm not sure what " we'll watch our love embrace" means.
I do like the opening questions- this makes it focussed and personal.
For me, it's not entirely successful- but the overall meaning comes across clearly. I go back to what I said at the beginning- I think I would have a very different view of this piece if I heard it sung rather than reading it off the page. Believe me, there is something of value here. Keep writing.
I like the quiet, conversational tone. I like the use of repetition- and the gentle sting in the tail. This is good- it's quiet, understated, and true.
I like poems with structure- and that's what you've written here. I like the bold "s" at the start of each line. However, you need to watch proof reading - "drifts" "seeps" are singular verbs with a plural subject. And though I like the last lines in V2 and 3, there's an awkwardness in the rhythm.
However, these are all technical niggles and the more you write, the more effective you become. The actual meaning and sentiment of the poem comes over clearly. It is moving and powerful, and I'm glad I read your poem.
I love this. I think it's original and clever. I like " Inky seas" and "paper land". There's a hint of childhood rhymes here.
I have two problems, though
a.You need to proof read more carefully " Thruth" "im" This is awful.
b. The last line- I really like the sense but the rhyme stumbles dreadfully. You could try " When I sit with pen in hand" - that's a bit better.
Don't be put off, though. You've got a real talent here. Keep writing, keep revising.
I like the kick in the tail. I wonder , though, if there are too many " More often than nots" ? If you dealt with fewer topics you could deal with them in more detail. Still, it's clever, thought provoking, and I liked it.
Two things strike me about this poem:
1. It owes a great deal to rap lyrics- I love your enjoyment of rhyme.
2. The rhyme- and the rhythm give it plenty of impact. There's love here, and desperation, and frustration. Once you start reading this poem, you can't break off. You've hooked the reader like a fish on a line.
It's real, it's powerful and I love it.
I just wonder whether you could write a poem from the opposite point of view. What IS the pain in his/her eyes ? That would be interesting.
I really like this. You talk about those awful periods of indecision and uncertainty which seem to go on for ever. You do what every good poet does- talk about something that's happened to you- and which strikes a nerve in every reader.
I like the " drop by drop" " Piece by piece"
" step by step"
I love the last line- nice image- " standing at the crossroads"
I don't like " reached a new low" - it's a bit of a cliche.
By and large the rhyme scheme works well but the rhythm is a bit uncertain at time - " I'm tired of searching, I haven't found a place" is a bit awkward.
But these are technical niggles. I like your poem because - like most of us, I've been there- and because you describe, not just what YOU felt, but what I flet as well.
Wow ! This is very effective- i like the nervy, twitchy rhythm.
"covered in a pale casing but with bright blue eyes" points up the difference between appearance and reality.
However- I don't know what you mean by this line- "To trust is embed in any of them."
Still a p[oeerful and extremely successful poem. Very accomplished"
I get the idea- formalised, poetic diction for the night, and the grubbily realistic informal language of the day- and it's clever- and I should like it more than I do. I think this is simply a matter of personal taste- I can see that other people will like it- but it doesn't work for me, I'm afraid.
Looking at it again, I think the problem is a lack of rhythm. I can't quite see why lines end why they do- it's written in prose rhythms.
Having said that, I can see that a lot of people will like it. It makes a clear case, explores an interesting idea. This one is not for me, though other work might well be.
best wishes- I hope the GP's salve any disappointment I might have caused.
This is the start of a poem- not the finished article. I like " dusk and dawn mingle"- they are very similar, aren't they ? Except that at dusk the colour and shape of things fades together, whereas at dawn you can see the shape of things, but not their colour- which comes later.
The poem needs to answer the questions:' When did I leave" and "Where did I wander"- there is a story here and as a reader you've got me interested enough to want to hear it. I want to know why the last line is so sad.
I read a quote from some poet who said that most poems need seventy five hours work before they're ready to see the light of day. Don't think of it as a drudge- think of it as fun- play around with the line order, alter words. Writing poetry is like solving a crossword when you don't even know what the clues are.
You catchy the snarky, sarcastic tone of two bickering people perfectly. But where do you go from here ? Who are they ? What is their problem ? and how do they resolve it ?
If you make this into a full short story I would be very interested to see it.
A really odd poem. I like the way it's structured- "Twas the night" is very formal and old-fashioned but what comes after is very modern, very colloquial. I'm not really sure what happens here- but I suspect I'm not meant to know. It's one of those poems where you work out a solution for yourself. The reader makes your poem complete by him/herself.
One niggle " It was a blue" - I don't know what that means.
I enjoyed redaing this. It made me work hard- and that's good.
A good poem because it describes a real experience well. Everyone has been there at some time or another- and the way you write describes your own experience, and chimes with the experience of the read. I particularly like the last two lines.
I love this because it's so real. Everyone has been there and your poem hits a nerve. You write about the vulnerability of love in a genuine and touching way.
You get massive impact by using present participle verbs- trying,arguing, being, leading, remaining, strengthening these add immediacy to what you're saying.
This poem tells the truth. That's what poetry is supposed to do. Well done.
I like the message- carpe diem- seize the moment. It's clear and well presented- but there doesn't seem to be much connection between one line and the next- there's no real flow. You might look at rhythm as well- " it's time to take the initiative" is a perfectly good line, except that (a)it has no real rhythm and (b) initiative is an awkward, blurry abstract noun.
"the future is mine for the taking" does have a pleasing, running rhythm- it trips easily off the tongue.
To summarise: I like the idea- it is clearly expressed, but I feel you could link the ideas together more.
Did I enjoy reading it ? Yes. I did. It has real possibilities
I like this poem very much. First of all I like the formal style. You don't over simplfy; you give the reader some work to do. The second stanza works really well. Pain DOES make you feel ugly. It is not just a physical thing. You make the point that physical and mental pain are part of the same thing.
You have not chosen an easy subject to write about, but for me, you have succeeded. It's very personal- and yet, what you say is universally true.
This is a fine, atmospheric piece of writing- only I can't see it as a poem. I can't see why the lines end where they do. In fact, the short lines make it harder to read. What you've written here ( at least as I see it) is a really good, atmospheric account of a turning-point day in American history. It could have been written for a top level magazine- but I don't think it's a poem.
Poetry plays with rhyme, rhythm, line length ( if you want to emphasise a word, put it at the beginning, at the end of a line or make it a line in itself)-
This is good stuff- don't get me wrong- but next time you take a keyboard for a walk- don't be afraid to play around with language.
I like the idea- but I'm confused. At first I thought you were looking at your own reflection and remembering how you used to be - then "fifteen metres" told me you were talking about someone else. By the way, I like the way you confuse time and distance ther.
It's a nice idea and a lot of it works well, but I think you have to give the reader something more to chew on. And the last line...are you unwilling to see this person again ? are you shocked that they have remained the same while you have changed ? Are you crying with happiness or sadness ?
All poems are personal, and you have to decide how much to tell the reader. Too little- and they're confused , too much and they become lazy and are unwilling to do the work required to understand the poem.
I hope this makes some kind of sense to you.
best wishes
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