This is a really good description of the Mazar race, and I would love to see it expanded a bit more. For instance, you mention that the women manage the affairs of the village; do all women have an equal say, or is the village led by a particular group of women? What sort of things did they have to decide?
You also explain the size of villages, which is a nice detail, but don't mention whether different villages interact at all, or whether they stay completely separate.
I liked the way you linked together the detailed you gave, in a way that clarified the detailed and made logical sense- like how you led on from their creation beliefs to how woman had more power in society.
Other suggestions:
There are a few grammar issues in the piece; in particular, watch out for the different forms of 'there' and 'their'. You also mention their long 'live span' which should be 'life span'.
Presentation- it might just be a little easier to read if you either indented the paragraphs or double spaced them. It isn't a huge problem as it is, but if you ever did develop this into something longer it would start to notice more.
Over all, a very good description, which would be even better if you added to it
I don't know what sort of age group you would be aiming at, but it sounds a bit fairy-tale like.
The idea of two suns and no true night-time is interesting, I'm curious to know how this would effect the plot, and the world it is set in generally.
Perhaps it would be useful to elaborate about your idea a little; what length story are you thinking, and for what sort of age group? The story could certainly be written either for adults or as a fairy-tale; it would be useful to know what you have in mind, if you've thought that far at all yet.
Anyway, I'd say it was deffinately worth writing it, it could be a really interesting story
I enjoyed reading this, and it certainly made me want to read on further. It really seemed like a strong opening to a longer piece, so it would deffinately work if you did develop it into a novel.
In one or two place it felt like the wording was a little awkward, but that was mostly just at the start, in the second half of it everything seemed to flow fine :)
I only noticed one typo, near the start of part two where you put 'His real parent were...' and missed off the s at the end of parents.
You had some really good imagery in places, one line that was particularly effective was 'It covered the shaggy white carpet, like red paint in snow.' it made it really easy to picture the scene.
You kept the atmosphere up well throughout the story as well, I think you did really well there.
One thing I would suggest though is changing the way you refer to Trevin as 'a young man' when you first introduce him. From that I pictured him as being about eigtheen/nineteen which made it a little confusing later on until I realised he was only twelve.
Overall though I would say this is a really good story with a lot of potential! The only problems were minor ones and it was still great to read.
Again, a clear, easy to understand article. I admit I had to re-read some of the earlier bits to follow it easily, but I think that's inevitable when you get on to the advanced options (which I'd never even noticed before.
However this article is much easier to understand than anything else I've read on the more advanced uses of google, and I can honestly say I've learnt quite a lot from reading this!
Like in the first two parts, I couldn't see any typos at all, or any technical problems like that.
Over all, a very informative article, and I'll certainly be using google for research a lot more after reading this! It makes things a lot clearer for people who have never even noticed these options.
A good follow up to part 1! Well done, you've kept it clear and easy to understand even though you're now moving on to areas of google that many people have never used.
It's easy to follow, and I could understand all of it easily (even though I'm one of those people who has never used these features before). You also manage to avoid making it too simple, which keeps it interesting.
I didn't see and typos or technical problems like that either, so over all good job!
I found this article very easy to follow, and helpful as well.
I think it's useful to remind people about the other uses of Google, most people only use the Web or Image settings, it's great to hear the uses of the other functions.
Generally the tone of the article is very clear and easy to understand, and there were no technical problems that I could see.
Well done!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/yuallica
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 1:18am on Nov 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I liked the way you linked together the detailed you gave, in a way that clarified the detailed and made logical sense- like how you led on from their creation beliefs to how woman had more power in society.
Over all, a very good description, which would be even better if you added to it 
