That writing is good, and something that I can relate too. It's interesting also that I read this on a night that I was struggling with my own practice of mindfulness.
When you come across things like this, they are of course imposable to criticize. The same thing keeps presenting itself in different ways. No single way is the right way, all ways lead to the same thing.
Below I have included some GP. Feel free to laugh.
Ok, please don't take this the wrong way, but at the moment this story is boring. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the story doesn't have potential, or that the plot is no good. The thing that would really help this story is a rule called show don't tell. In your head the images are really clear, so when you say "witch in a tavern" you can see what she looks like, what the tavern looks like and so on. To the reader it just sounds like a monotone or a list. Don't list events, show them happening. Instead of saying "When a witch came through offering various potions for a price, Jayde questioned her continuously until she threatened to turn her into a hermit crab", Write the event.
Jayde sat eyes wide as the witch approached. Her face was weathered, but her eyes shone with crafty intelligence. As she stopped in front of Jayde the tavern grew deathly silent. "Bother me again" said the witch calmly "And I'll make sure you spend the rest of your days as a hermit crab".
Jayde swallowed, her eyes wide with fear, lost for words she could only nod.
The witch gave a thin lipped smile and began to turn away.
Jayde managed to clear her throat. "Just out of curiosity" she whispered, hardly believing that she was actually brave enough to speak, "how would you do that"?
So here we can see a bit of Jade's character. She is brave and a bit reckless. We have shown the reader this without actually having to tell the reader Jayde was brave and reckless. Instead of just breaking from the story and saying Jayde used to.... Say Jayde thought about how all this had started. It had been a night like this one. Rain was falling as she crouched by the side of the road. She was soaked and miserable, her heart lept to her throat when finally she heard the sound of horses hooves, and the creaking of wagon wheels.
The plot to this story looks really good, but we need more description, and always show, never tell. Can't wait to find out what happens. Keep creating. It is very important.
I really like how you make a link between be, me and see. It fits very well with the subject matter. I'm not so sure about the rhythm in the first two stanzas, they jar a bit. I wonder if you might want to try making it one stanza and creating a bit more rhythm. We are just being here, we are going with the flow, letting go, living in the moment, but how your poem is structured suggests stubborn islands.
Good rhyming links and structure! Keep creating, it's very important.
I
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/yubgum
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.06 seconds at 3:27am on Nov 17, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
