Oh gods! That's so sad! I mean--yaarrgghhh! Twas a good ditty for this hardened pirate!
Ey loved yer last line en yer first stanza! Th's public so I won ruin it.
Ehn yer imagery is certainly amazin'! All throughotu yer poem th' images wer alive!
Th' only complaint that this scurvy pirate has is that ye make yer very last line rhyme somewhere. Yer poem is called closure, an' so ehn the end it should fit although 'tis sad.
Now ye keep makin' me do me homework on all thees fanshy poet stuffs! Har har har! But it be worth it maytee!
Now ey can relate to the message in yer poem. Ey too am no stranger to studyin' an ey am to sail off to me college as well. Har har har!
Now ey think eets real important that ye have that last line. It clarifies everythin' goin' on and ye save yerself from bein' ambiguous.
Now onto structure. If eyhm right, ey think this is the structure of an Italian Sonnet:
ABBAABBA
CDCDCD
Har har har! Ye dinna do that. Maybe yer assignment was altered tho. Ye did ABABCDCD EFGEFG. Ye can email me back bout this one 'fore me as a pirate tells yew -da poet- dat yer poetin' wrong.
But beside yer structure, yer poem flows very well maytee! It reflects in yer ratin'! Har har har!
Now ye said this thar villanelle is better than yer other one so dis scurvy pirate decided to check it out.
Ey wussun't acquainted wit' a villanelle, but I went and went a looting an' found it out. Ye did a great job stickin' to the structure of ey villanelle. Yer first line is repeated in the second and fourth stanzas, and ye third line of yer first stanza is in yer last line of yer third and fifth stanza.
Ye also kept yer appropriate rhyme scheme. Twas tricky an' yer a talented poet, but thar's tew much repetition fer me to try to write in that style. Har har har!
"Today it's not so much what I fear, but k now,
That though I've been abscnent life never stops." Now ye left a space in "know" and "abscnent" should be ... er something else. But I don think abscnent is a word.
Now dis villanelle es good, but ey think that when ye tackle another villanelle, ye should have lines repeated that change in meaning wit each progressin' stanza. It would give more meanin' to yer poem - like yer title did in snickers.
Now eym off to raid more. See ye ye scruvy poet! Har har har!
Yaarrgghhh maytee! Ye are a poet definitely! I'm gettin' to th' treasure of ye portfolio now an' raidin'!
On the whole, yer ditty is very tactful because ye make the rhyme scheme and meter real elusive just like yer sayin' the definition of poetry is. 'Tis veeery bonny!
Ey reeealy liked yer metaphor wit da images pinned on da paper. Ey see birds. Twas a beautiful metaphor.
Now ey agree wit ya maytee that ye didna close yer poem wit a rhyme coz ye definition is always fleeting an a closing rhyme would give et closure. Again, dat was veeery tactful.
I'm havin' a hard time comin' up wit somethin' ye can improve on, but I got somethin' now. The poet's bane is writin' poetry that ain' specific. Now ye say poetry's elusive, but ye can add things that poetry can be defined as at some times to make ye poem longer if ye like.
What now? Now we ride th' eigh seas an' threaten the confidence of the proud wit' our adventures! Yar har har! Jes' kiddin' maytee!
Et was real smart to leave yer piece open like that. Ye leave it for th' reader to answer with zeal so that they live their life with that much more spunk. But don' put yer point in yer title. Keep yer tricks up your sleeve like I do when we pirate roll the dice!
Yer repitition was far great coz yew drilling in the fact that it happened, it happens now, and it will happen. Leaving the reader askin' why. Tis yet another good thing ye did.
Tis a shame you couldn't get everyone's answers. Maybe ye could make a contest er servey or somethin'.
Jus an eydea maytee! Har har har! Happy conventioning!
Arrgghhh maytee! Overall, I found your piece very pleasant. It reminded me of me own ship when the winds er cool en the sea is smooth.
Yer opening was personal and comfortable. Ye captured th' laze of the morning and enhanced the theme that 'all is at right' when you see so many different people heading in the same direction. That waz a wise decision to present the parade like that maytee. If it was all hustle and bustle you'd lose yer point.
Yer descriptions were detailed but not excessive. The details you brought in were interesting and relevant because you picked details that go with the theme mentioned above. Ey won't ev'n go into word choice coz you know yew've got that down fiene.
Th' ownly thing ey would mention in the ney is yer ending. It seems as though ye just cut it off. Ey got your point from the last paragraph, but ye should tie it back to the beginning. What happened to yer narrative?
Parhaps ye should end the piece wit a third person view. Deescribe how ye were inspired by the parade that all these people wher marchin' toward liberty fer all. It'll tie et back to th' beginnin' an yer piece would be all the more better.
First this pirate wanned t' tell yes bout yer description. 'the' should be 'there' and 'mammal' should be plural. Ye might want to capitalize 'one' in the tiedle and in the beginning of th' piece. That mieght tidy it up a bit maytee.
Now let me get the grammar in yer piece outta th' way. In your actual piece, ya mieght want to edit "leaves where out," to "Leaves were out," and "on are heels," to "on our heels," T'would be bonny.
Now ye had some parts that were prettier than sum polished gould in this piece. Ye had great descriptions such as yer "head falls low to th' ground". Tho I mus confess, I saw humans in the herd. I din really think dinosaurs. Ye might wanna channel a bit o' yer wondeerful description skills toward showin' what the dinos looked like so yer maytees know that.
It really shows yer a poet when ye write coz as you said in yer description for the first folder, I would consider it half-prose if there's such a thing. If ye wanna mek it reel prosey, go in real depth with yer descriptions and ferget the rhymes. Tell it like a storee.
But anyway maytee. I liked yer piece a lot coz of thee end. Thas how it prolly happened anyway!
My take: I think that most people would accept a four year difference of age once you hit 18-20. I think that teens paired with those 20+ are in the most scrutiny. It seems that as age increases, age gaps are more accepted.
Therefore I would probably mention what age group I'm examining and adjust the options accordingly.
If I might ask, what prompted you to create this? Is there someone you care for that you are barred from because of your age?
Again, nice rhythm. I can hear your voice saying the verses.
But at the beginning, your poem/rap seemed a little unfocused (especially the third stanza). I think the element you're missing in the first parts is that it's the drugs that society/heroes promote.
But you do clear it up in the end. I like your pieces because you take a stance on it, and you can defend your opinion with the style of a rapper.
I'm not sure if these are some slangs you wanted to keep (personally if you changed them, I think the piece would remain relatively the same):
1st stanza: "aswell," into "as well,"
2nd stanza: "viceversa…" into "vice versa..."
2nd stanza: "realise" into "realize"
I really like this phrase:
"The apocalypse of our society,
a world with no variety,"
Okay. I like the rhythm of this piece. It's in between rap and formal poetry. It seems to me that you wanted to write your thoughts and it just came out rhyming. I know what that's like (I think I have a piece in here like that...)
It's what Kurt Vonnegut hinted at in Slaughterhouse V: the idea of framing. Like when you have something you need to get your personal perspective on - your own take on something.
I like pieces like that because the format is closest to how we as humans think. Nice job capturing that.
On a personal note, I agree with you. There are SO many works out there that have to do with love being peachy keen. But love seems to be what people want the most - it's the feeling that is easiest (sometimes) to get that's the most vibrant. It makes people feel alive. There's another take. :)
With your piece, I would recommend bringing more focus to your paragraphs. I know it's mentally conversational, but you do digress. Rappers are great because they can say what they want succinctly.
I like how your opening sentances are longer with descriptive words. It keeps the readers' mind active so that the opening is suspenseful.
When I write I sometimes have trouble making commonplace events have a huge effect on the plot. A cut finger made a huge difference!
I like the twist in the end, I think that's ironic and makes your piece more realistic. Random turn-arounds like that would happen in real battle - everything's a risk.
Some grammar stuff:
"neither I or" or should be nor in the second paragraph.
Also awkward 3rd paragraph: "This is not to mention the cowardice in our army—there are some sell out to the enemy". Perhaps you could enter a 'that' after the 'some'.
The dialogue really enhanced what was happening as well. The short, cut phrases are more dramatic when contrasted with the longer, descriptive sentances I mentioned earlier.
Oh yeah. Sorry my review is so formal, Cain, but I'm just so used to it! I see the screen and I get into this mode... Anyway, this is some good stuff. I'm going to read your bioblock now. |D
This is a very helpful article. Especially for me: I'm a newbie. Perhaps you could do some type of glibby memory phrase thingy to help us readers remember which link is which.
I'm not sure if this is true, but it seems as if it would always be beneficial to link a bitem because it has the most information. Perhaps you could also explain the benefits of linking different formats.
Thanks for writing this article because it really clarified some things for me!
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