Hi, I hope I can help you with my feedback on this paper! :)
First, I will begin with the content. You begin with telling the story of visiting your grandfather on Christmas, and from there it leads to his death, and then to a random dream. To be honest, I'm interested in what inspired you to tell this particular story. Initially, it comes across as being a sweet story about a girl's memories of visiting her grandfather, and then it dives into his death. I was interested in this twist, for I was imagining something inspiring to arrive from it; however, you end the story with a dream that feels completely irrelevant and misplaced. In my opinion, it begins to make the story feel like a comedy. The attitude changed within your very last sentence. In the end, the story left me a bit confused.
As for the more technical side of things, there are a massive amount of English errors that I would advise revising. Most of these consist of missing and misplaced punctuation. One reviewer who has reviewed a couple products of mine suggested the following: Edit, Edit again, and edit some more. This idea will help you produce great material.
In the end, I was confused with what you were trying to get across with this story. It never felt like it led anywhere, and it ended very abruptly. I hope these comments don't come across as offensive, as I don't intend to be! This is just my opinion, and I hope it aids in your future projects! :)
Hi, I thought there were some interesting concepts in this story, but I also found a lot of issues within the content. After reading the entire piece, I finally understood the concept you were trying to get across. It is a sweet concept, and one I found to be rather touching. It tells the story of two people who love each other, and it feels like the author was trying to convey their life as a road trip. That caught my attention the most. At the same time, I think the story suffers from being able to engage me. I found myself feeling much less interested in some of the ways the story was told. It's hard to explain, but it feels as if it is lacking impact. You talk a lot about the vehicle the individuals are driving, and it never really felt relevant to me.
Another issues I found was that some of your sentences were awkward.
"The day, still not half over, found himself with new warmth by his side, pulling a heavy load in a Freightliner Columbia, destined for greener pastures, pastures that quickly browned with fruitless endeavors."
I found this to be really odd.
In the end, I think it has a good concept, but I think it would have benefited from more effort in its story telling. I hope this review helps! :)
Hi, I enjoy seeing your appreciation for Edgar Allan Poe; however, I'm not sure I understand where you are trying to go with this poem. There does not seem to be any sense of direction for it, and the narrative you are telling with it does not seem to lead anywhere. The atmosphere that you create around it is fairly an interesting concept, but I don't think the poem does much with it. Perhaps it lacks the amount of content to make it feel like a full story? Overall, I think you an interesting concept, but it doesn't feel like it leads anywhere. Please only take this as my opinion, and use what you want to from it! I hope this review helps! :)
I enjoyed this poem quite a bit. I thought it was humorous, and it gave me a couple chuckles. I feel like the random line of "So I picked up my phone and dialed the Terminator" added a sense of charm to it. I do feel like this poem would have benefited from being longer though. It would have made the ending that much more impacting. I suggest expanding on this one some! :)
I honestly was not a big fan of this paper, and here's why: There was not really enough detail to make me interested in anything that was going on. On top of that, the story itself just felt a little pointless and cheesy. I understand it's a personal experience, but not everything really needs to be translated onto a paper unless it was really special. Perhaps it was special to you, but this paper hardly represented that. There was little to know passion within the paper to make the reader think this was a big deal on any level. I suggest being more vivid and passionate with your future papers. I hope this review helps! :)
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