A few suggestions for Barbie-In full

This was originally written for the Dis Barbie Contest, but had to be pared down to fit contest guidelines. I had such fun writing it, I couldn't see stopping. Thanks to all the members who offered suggestions. Here's the full version. Enjoy.

A Few Suggestions For Barbie

         I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read "I want to be like Barbie. That bitch has everything!" I just had to laugh. She does have it all...as long as we buy it for her. We buy her friends, nice cars, dream houses, even the perfect job.

         Am I the only one that wants to see Barbie dressed in frumpy sweatpants and an old T-shirt in the throes of PMS hell? This could be a new concept for Mattel. PMS Barbie. Just push her button and she'll whine phrases such as "I want chocolate!" "Pass the Mydol!" and "I'm so bloated."

         If Barbie is the all-American girl, why don't we see her driving an old clunker around? Why don't we see her sitting on the side of the road, flames shooting from under the hood, waiting for Ken to come to her rescue? Barbie, I'm pleased to gleefully inform you that Ken has sold your dream house and ran off to Cancun with your sister Skipper.

         I want to see Reality Barbie. Let's see her juggle the rent, credit card bills, utilities, etc on her minimum wage job at the factory. I want to see those worry lines and under eye circles that come from wondering if you'll make enough this week to put food on the table.

         While we're at it, let's see Back to School Barbie. I want to see Barbie try to do her job and housework and take care of her children while still managing to make it to class on time and do her homework. Lots of women do it; I want to see you try.

         Quit taking those high-powered jobs; it's time to focus on motherhood. I just know you'll be a great mother. You excelled at all those jobs (I won't mention the fact that we paid off your boss to keep you.); taking care of babies should be a cinch.

         I want to see Real Mom Barbie. Let's see how you look in a two piece bikini, stretch marks on show for the world to see. I wanna see circles under your eyes from staying up all night with a sick child. Let's see those worry lines that come from wondering if your child is going to be okay. I wanna see you juggle a diaper bag, a stroller, your purse, and two screaming infants.

         Better yet, let's see Barbie, Mom of Teenagers. I want to see you show up to pick your teenager at the movies with hair all a mess and wearing that shabby bathrobe you've had since your teens. Don't worry about those ragged slippers; I'm sure the kids will understand.

         Barbie, you're now 46. It's now time to let your age shine through. Show off the wrinkles previously hidden by your plastic surgeon. Let the world see your now sagging boobs and drooping ass. Did you think we would not notice the marks from liposuction on those thunder thighs? Let it all hang out; you'll be a better woman for it.

         Let me send you to a hair salon, my treat. You know the one I mean, the one that dyes your locks green and gives you that "just stuck my finger in a light socket" look, all in the name of fashion. Express your creativity. Set a new style.

         Barbie, take it from a REAL woman. Perfection is just an illusion. That tiny little figure you have turns guys off. They want a woman with curves. Those great jobs intimidate them. They don't like the fact you make more money than them. Your friends don't like you; they think you're stuck up.

         Try actually being what you aspire to be, the all-American girl. The experiences and stresses of life are what make us human. It's okay to make a mistake or occasionally be seen with a hair out of place. Until you learn that, you're just plastic.