Buying the system

Slooooow....I wake up and my legs are twitchy...... My head's spinning but everything is so damn slooow.....I'm confused, out of whack, crazy dreams, writers block, three jobs and money is still tight....got a million things I wanna do, need to do, HAVE to do.....I wanna fill that hole, I want my knife back, I wanna fillkillfuckfight.............but I'm gettin paid, PAID in the best way at the hardest job of all......deferred payments, bro.....

I'm changing. physical, spiritual, mental, frame of mind........I feel like a naked baby, alone and crying to be fed, I'm HUNGRY, fucking HUNGRY.....I wanna be a man again, my OWN man, I wanna hunt, I wanna kill to fill, or is it fill to kill? whatever......my nemesis asks "can I have my knife back?!"

where do I begin? my days are skewed, dashed with rage, frustration, realization, inspiration and hope.......hope.....fucking hope.......been 45 days since I asked my bestest buddy to leave, my buddy who robbed me blind, who became my ANSWER, my rock....the rock which I smashed into repeatedly when I tried to jump into the waves, the rock I always climbed back upon when the waters got choppy......I came to realize that I was my own worst enemy....and persona non grata to many of those that really mattered......what did matter> What DOES matter? Who's left standing? I'm still alive? How? How did I survive? What the hell have I been DOING?! ....it's hard enough to wake up one day and look at the carnage all around, the wreckage and all that you left in your wake over the years....covered in blood and gashes only to look down and see that the knife is in your own hand......yet it's even harder to put the knife down and turn yourself in....turn yourself OVER........when all you wanna do is kill....fillkillfuckfight...finish the job.....easier to say "fuck it" and keep livin' on the run.....I'd been running for a long time....long enough......I've learned a lot.....I've learned that I was trying to keep up in a world that I never really wanted to be in, yet was trapped in for so long....a world filled with illusions of granduer and false hope, false pride....earthly pleasures, space-fillers and nothing more....and when I came across something that was more I mortgaged it to bankroll my madness....my false hope....I was trying to sell promise that could never be fulfilled, not when I was too busy trying to fill a hole that had gotten so big.....I've learned that God never left but he's done carrying me-he'll walk with me and hold my hand but like they say " you can lead a horse to water"......so I put off the devil's alluring noxious offering, I drink the water and give thanks..... I've been a fucking used car salesman for a long time.....with big rabbit teeth and greasy slicked back hair and a cheap suit, reeking of decetpion and facades....and one day I stopped buying my own bullshit......and dat monkee...dancinwitdamonkee...you can put a monkee in a tux and sit him at the dinner table, but that don't mean he gonna know how to hold a fork...and he'll be flingin poo all over the room....embarrasing ain't he?....no matter....so here I am.....life is ok-my needs are all met, I'm making progress in the tiniest of increments.....been a LONG time since I've really worked at making life better....and I ask myself "how the fuck did I get here?!" I'm glad I am where I am though..........I'm right where I need to be.....everything has a purpose.....but shit, I was the Quarterback on the Greatest Show On Turf... and when I was in a jam I always went for the big play-all or nothing, hit or miss.....and sometimes I aired it out....sometimes I just sat there and held the ball and smiled maniacally as fifteen 300 lineman pounded my ass into the dirt....sometimes I'd just lay there...sometimes I'd get up and say "that ALL YOU'VE GOT?!"......it's so different now,damn, to look back at all the changes....all I can do is laugh, laughlaughlaughlaugh....crybawlscreambawl...and change.....keep moving.....not running to the ends of the earth, but moving slowly to the center...there's a middle ground I know, I've been swinging by it on a pendulum for eternity now....different, it's all different.....no four-run homers, no quick fixes...no bullshit, no bullshit..... now I'm in a grind.....gaining slow methodical yards on the ground........waiting to see enough daylight where I can break free into the endzone on through the runway...no victory dance, just exit stage left.....and never look back, good or bad.....I'm a basketball player, I'm used to having the ball in my hands at all times, jacking up shot after shot after shot.....I wanna be the STAR....I want the FUN but not the FUN-DE-MENTALS......just gimme the ball and I'll win this thing....next thing I know, we're down by 40 at halftime.....I can put up 38 points in a hurry and make it a game again, but it's always gonna be the same-digging a hole and coming back and getting my ass handed to me again.....I'm on a new team, with a new coach and a new system....I don't get it yet, it doesn't make SENSE.....why do I have to be here, why do I have to practice my ass off only to sit on the sidelines? God's my point guard now, I gotta let him run the show and be where he wants me to be and when he wants me to take my shot he'll let me know...he'll see me open when I break away from my opponent....but if I ain't where I'm supposed to be and the ball is thrown there it's gonna go out of bounds......and I could make it look like his fault too, "hey there was no one fucking THERE man!!"...we're losing but it ain't MY FAULT...they ain't playin me! They threw it away, I wasn't THERE!.... and I AIN't there...yet....I'm confused and out of breath and stopping short and there's all this helter skelter and I wanna leave, I wanna grab the ball and run with it.....I wanna take my ball and go home...I wanna fillkillfuckfight......but I don't.....and then I'm there......my routes are sharp and precise......everything is fluid and perfect and harmonious and sharp and precise.....and then it's gone......I got the soul but I can't find the RYTHM.....I have no choice but to believe.......my way hasn't worked......and then when I'm where I need to be and get the ball, I'm rusty....my shot is off......my confidence is rattled......I wanna go back to my old team....I miss it......I miss the life of self-importance and self-centeredness, self-pity, self-hatred, fear, anger, resentment, of putting on my front, putting up that wall.....throwing smokescreens and mirrors and mirages.......embroiled in bullshit and drama and controversy and chaos, madness INSANITY.....I wanna gorge myself, eat til I'm full.....I wanna throw up life all over myself....I wanna destruct and destroy, I wanna break shit....I wanna dwell and wallow and rage and shine my cheap pleather shoes and put on my shit-eatin grin and spin my bullshit, I want the bright lights and the yes-men, the fan club, the groupies and the critics....yeah, the critics..I wanna put on a fucking SHOW.....sorry folks, show's over....like anyone was buying tickets anymore...poor lil ol' me eh?.......I been there man, penthouse to poorhouse, penthouse to outhose......don't want it anymore...never really did...so why did I go and....I know why, I always did....but clarity is fleeting when you're punchdrunk, frostbitten and snowblind........I asked to be kept warm and yet it was always so fucking COLD wasn't it?!.....because I went the wrong way at that crossroad, at almost all of 'em....I had chanceschanceschances...I caught the big fish...I threw it back...I threw up.....bad business decisions...none of it matters now, cut losses and sever sour ties and move on....change, change,....that commitee I fired due to incompetence still wants to call the shots, some little voice still screaming far inside me.....I can't deny it's there anymore but I can DENY it period......you can scream in your cell, but I ain't lettin you out no more muthafucka.....so I eat the key....and I get scared.....cuz he ain't never gonna LEAVE.....dat bad bad monkee still hop-an'-jump-an'-flail.....and I run, I run, I run.....I pray I pray I pray....I make phonecalls, I help someone, I ask for help (ask for HELP?!) BEG for help....I lean, I clutch, I breathe, I release, I relent....I let go...let go...let God.... I meditate, and I'm calm......my inner being is sreaming and writhing and twitching yet my outer being and my core are slow and still and serene.....and I listen, I listen, I wanna talktalktalk-love to talktalktalk- but I LISTEN....LISTEN.....observe and LISTEN....that little voice in the back of the room keeps nagging, only then do I speak: "will you SHUT THE FUCK UP PUH-LEEEEAZZE! I'm TRYIN to LISTEN!!".....and my eyes are clear and I look into another pair and an exchange is made.....HONESTY is exchanged......honest is unprofound and subtle....subtle and true.....I peel the skin off the banana and it's raw, honesty is so fucking RAW...and sensitive...and it feels good...and it hurts....and I grow, am I GROWING? forming a healthy callous so my hands can work again?....yeah...so I WORK..I'm weak but I'm WORKING.....and the sun beats down and I sweat, vomit, sweat, labor......and I grind, I take a hit, I grimace, I get up and I wobble and shake and look and I gain a yard, one tiny yard......and I go back in and I run.....I shuffle and shake and I stop and I spin and I look and a ball is coming my way.....I extend my arms...and I reach from the bottom of a pigpile for that which is clear and true....and I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope.....