Passion

First is the original of this poem...then there is the rewrite..would love comments on the changes...

Whispered words and soft caresses,
You touch my skin, igniting fire within
Suckling at my breast, drawing hardening nipple to your mouth,
Nipping gently with your teeth, sensations building.
Fingers moving ever closer, until they reach the heated core.
Lips and tongue speak passions language,
Teasing at the hardened pearl.
Arching hips a sign of ardor, needing, wanting so much more.
Then at last you move within me,
Joining me in ancient mating rhythm,
Ecstasy we give into, racing to climatic end.
Clinging to each other as it claims us,
Breathlessly holding onto the other, passion spent,
Limbs entwined, basking in the afterglow


Below is the rewrite...


Whispered words

and soft caresses

You touch my skin,

igniting fire within



Suckling at my breast,

drawing hardened nipple to your mouth

Nipping gently with your teeth,

sensations building.



Fingers moving ever closer,

until they reach the heated core

Lips and tongue

speak passion’s language



Teasing,

at the hardened pearl

Arching hips,

a sign of ardor,

needing,

wanting so much more

Then at last

you move within me

Joining me

in ancient mating rhythm



Glow of passion

upon my skin.

Cascading waves of pleasure,

as your rigid shaft thrusts deeply





Ecstasy we give into,

racing to climatic end

Clinging to each other

as it claims us



Breathlessly holding onto the other,

passion spent

Limbs entwined,

basking in the afterglow