Edge of Nineteen-Prologue:1988

Deep breaths, take one in, and let it out; that’s what Liam had to keep reminding himself to do; he kept wondering if it were possible to stop breathing and have a panic attack at the same time, maybe that’s what a heart attack felt like. His legs were shaking uncontrollably; he almost didn’t make it through his front door and into the living room they were shaking so much, he looked like he was having some kind of fit. Even though they weren’t looking at him, he could already feel their disapproving glares seeping through his head.
His father Sam sat in his chair that was worn in over the years despite only him being allowed to sit in it; he was taller than Liam, well tall was an understatement in this family, when Liam was already 5’10 by the time he finished primary school and the men in his family make fun of his ‘short’ height; his dad was six feet and had a short temper.
As Liam kept staring at his father, he thought Sam would look up feeling that someone was watching him, but he didn’t move. Grabbing a flowered throw pillow his mother had sewn, he clenched it tight to his chest. His mother Eileen sat in the love seat next to the fireplace knitting what looked like a yellow and white striped scarf; but knowing his mother she’d have an entire turtleneck finished by tomorrow. She looked up at him with a huge smile and Liam forced one back at her.
She would protect him, after all he’s her middle child, his dad wouldn’t get anywhere near him if his mother guarded him. She may be a lot shorter than Sam, but Liam was her baby boy. Liam’s smile grew into a real one as his breathing became more regular; but a quick glance at the cross hanging behind Eileen’s head on the wall make his head explode; they would both team up to kill him, so he started to gnaw on one end of the pillow.
“You hungry there?” Sam was still reading his paper and didn’t even need to look up to see his son.
“Nah, I’m fine, I jus’—“ looking down he saw that he started to drool a little on the pillow, probably from breathing so much through his moth; he wiped himself off and put the pillow back on the couch.
“Can I make you somethin’ sweetie?” Eileen began to put her knitting needles in the basket next to the fireplace. “We just went to the market before you came home and Mrs. Cullen gave me a recipe for baked tuna, apparently it’s better to eat it practically raw, so it’ll take me no time—“
“I’mgettingmarried!” It came out in one long burst and even Liam couldn’t understand what he said; but his father did and took the paper away from his face to watch him.
“What was that honey?” Eileen was sitting next to Liam and rubbing his arm, and Liam was thankful that she was now between him and Sam.
“I’m—“
“Brainless.” Sam was now leaning forward in his chair rubbing his hands together.
“No, I’m gettin’ married.” He tried looking to his mother for some support but she seemed confused.
“To who honey?”
“Mallory.” Liam didn’t know who else his mother could be referring to and she didn’t look like she was making a joke.
“Really, her? Did you know about this Sammy?”
“Who else?” Liam scooted away from his parents as Eileen shrugged her shoulders in response. “We’ve been dating for two years.”
“I thought it was one.” She looked at the wall as if the answer was hidden on it somewhere.
“No, two, we started senior year.”
“But you went off to university, that year doesn’t count.”
“Yeah it does, we’ve stayed together—that’s not the point, and we’re getting married.” Liam stood up and his mom followed when she saw that he was upset and let out a few ‘awwws’ and ‘honeys’ as she patted him on the head.
“Listen, maybe you should wait till you graduate, that’s only another three years, wait three years.” Eileen started picking up around the coffee table and the other tables: behind the big couch, near the window, next to the front door.
“No, we wanna do it now—“
“Maybe you should get a lobotomy.” It was the first his father spoke in the last few minutes; Liam hoped he would quietly storm off.
“Dad, listen, I know we’re young but—“
“But you’ve lost your goddamn mind that’s all.” Sam sounded calm but when he got up and started to walk towards Liam, he scurried across the room until he was behind his mother. “Stop that; if I was gonna hurt you I would have done it when your defenses were down.”
“I’m fine here.” He pulled his mom with him as he back up towards the wall, but jumped when he reached the wall.
“Well I’m not fine with you throwin’ your life away on that girl.” Sam’s voice slowly began to grow loud with each step; Liam could have sworn his footsteps were echoing through the house despite not having shoes on.
“I’d actually appreciate it if you didn’t call her ‘that girl’….sir.” Liam stayed behind his mother and couldn’t look Sam in the eye as he stood there with Eileen in the middle looking awkward.
“Maybe we should have some tea; I’ll make tea, who wants mint?” When she tried to move, Liam pulled her back. “So no mint? Lemon?” She tried to laugh to break the tension as Sam glared at Liam who stared at the floor.
In half a second, Sam abruptly moved forward, trying to catch Liam off guard, but he was anticipating it and jumped from behind his mother and towards the other side of the room; barely missing his father reaching out to grab his shirt and nearly knocking over one of the end tables on his behind his father’s favorite chair, he figured he might be safe since his dad wouldn’t do anything to hurt that chair.
Every time Sam moved closer to Liam, he scurried behind another piece of furniture: a chair, the dining room table that was a few steps away from the living room, he even ran a circle around the downstairs floor that was the living and dining room that connected to the front hallway; he would have run upstairs but then he would be trapped. Liam was not a graceful runner and bumped into everything not nailed down: a vase, some books, plates; and each time Sam had to make sure they didn’t fall and break.
“Just stay still!” Sam was getting frustrated with each quick jog to another part of the house. Eileen stayed a least five feet away at all times with her hands held up as if she would catch anything that they bumped into.
“Not until you calm down!” Liam and Sam were on opposite sides of the dinning room table with Eileen standing between them.
“Why don’t we all just sit and—“
“Are you thick?!” Sam ignored his wife and would have thrown something at Liam, but he didn’t want to piss her off.
“No, I’m gettin’ married.” Liam couldn’t tell if his dad thought he was too naïve and young or he just didn’t like Mallory; he didn’t know which one he would prefer. “What’s the big deal?”
“Yeah, darling, it was bound to happen; they have been together for a year.”
“Two!” Liam has never yelled at him mother and if his dad did not already have an excuse to hurt him, he did now.
“Don’t scream at your mother, she’s on your side!” He frowned at his wife with a look that he hoped would let her know that they were supposed to be on the same side.
“Jesus, Mary Magdalene, can you two stop screamin’? The neighbors! I’m making tea.” Eileen tried to get their attention with no luck.
“Is it Mallory?” Liam relaxed a little when his mom was next to his dad and seemed to calm him down.
“You’re a kid; it’ll ruin your future!” Sam wanted to move away when his wife who was easing him into a chair, but just ended up sitting.
“Pretend I’m older, what would you say then?” Despite not being able to breathe, Liam hoped his dad would back off if he saw he was able to stand up to him.
“Then wait till you’re older!” Sam slammed his fist down on the table.
“I can’t!” He would have hit the table too, but he knew it wouldn’t cause the massive shock that his dad’s did.
“Sit!” Eileen was tired of all the yelling and running; the only thing keeping her calm was the idea that a neighbor might hear all the commotion and she hated being the cause of town gossip. “Now if this is what you really want honey” she quickly turned to her husband and held up her hand when she sensed he would cut her off, “don’t—why don’t you start planning everything.” She was happy when that got Liam to sit down across from them.
“That’s ridiculous.” Sam was now ignoring Liam and dealing with his wife’s insanity.
Eileen leaned in towards Sam and lowered her voice, “When he sees how hard it is, he’ll wait and you won’t lose a son by being stubborn.”
“I can hear you.” Liam rolled his eyes as he leaned in mocking the way his mother was talking.
“Fine, that’s what we’ll do.” Sam decided to play along until Liam came to his senses, and if not, he had three other sons, “So, does this Mallory girl—“
“You know who Mallory is, she lives up the street.” Despite his parents calm, Liam was enjoying the chance to talk back and motioned with his arms to make his point.
“Not now, we’re making progress.” Eileen put her head in her palms; she wished it was evening and she would have an excuse to drink, “What you’re father meant was being a girl, she probably already has an idea of when she wants this to happen?”
“Early fall.”
Eileen finally saw a breakthrough, a very long engagement, most of which would be spent at separate universities, “That’s a year, plenty of time to think everything through—“
“…Of this year.” Liam wiggled his thumbs in the table and didn’t look up to see their reaction.
“That’s next month.” She never saw the need to yell at her children, but a mother’s joy is to annoy her kids about their extravagant weddings, a month gave her nothing to work with. “Why so soon? Is she ill?”
“What?” Liam looked at her trying to figure her out.
“Well, for the insurance, she’ll inherit you’re health plan, and a good one for that matter.”
“Maybe she’s sick in the head.” Sam had staying quiet this entire time and saw right through Liam.
“She’s not sick! Can’t we just get married without all this craziness?”
“You little prat!” Sam hit the table again causing both Eileen and Lima to jump back a little.
“Honey!” Eileen wanted to reach out and hold Sam’s hand but was cautious to even move.
“You knocked her up didn’t you?” Sam ignored his wife.
“Wha—no—why is that—just cause you guys—” Liam’s shaking legs came back and he could feel himself start to sweat as he scratched the back of his head.
“Oh no honey, Aidan was a preemie.” Eileen wagged her index finger at Liam.
“Two months?” Maybe if he changed the subject, he could leave the table and let them calm down some more.
“It could happen.” She shrugged her shoulders then looked off as if trying to read the walls again.
“Well?” Sam leaned back, smiling with his arms folded; it annoyed Liam to see his dad amused at his sweating.
Moving his hands from his head to the table, attempting to look confident, but then quickly glanced away, “No, she’s not…pregnant.”
Eileen breathed a sigh of relief, “Now, I’ll make some tea, and maybe we should have her and her parents over for dinner, okay? Alright, no one break anything while I’m gone.” She got up and went into the kitchen; leaving Sam and Liam sitting at the table; Sam still smiling with his arms folded while Liam kept looking around and shifting waiting for a good moment to get up and leave.
Before Liam could move again, his dad got up and slowly moved across the room towards Liam, who wanted to run away but just shifted to the edge of his chair holding onto the back with one arm; Sam grabbed Liam’s arm and pulled him out of the chair and kept him voice low enough for only Liam to hear, “If you think you’re man enough to be married; then at least look me in the eye when you lie.” Letting him go, Liam fell back into the chair as his dad went into the kitchen to help his mom; Liam simply slammed his head down on the table, too exhausted to move.
~9 months (and one continent away) later~

Liam paced the same stretch of concrete, not ready to go back inside. The noise from the El was getting on his nerves. Who would put a hospital next to a train? Liam thought as he stared at the cause of the annoyance, as if that would make the noise stop. But The Cook County Hospital was the first one he and Mallory came across and they weren’t in the position to be picky with her water breaking and all. Even though the train had finally passed, some teen who was no older than Liam was blasting Guns ‘n’ Roses’ ‘Sweet Child of Mine.’
Is he trying to mock me right now? He hated that song. Liam thought as he once again tried his stare down method on the guy behind the wheel, this time it worked, and he quickly turned the corner taking his song with him. Now Liam was able to fully bask in his panic attack.
Liam twisted his hands together as he started towards to entrance but kept turning back then turning to go back to the entrance again; he finally settled on a concrete bench that faced the street.
I know what I should do, the right thing to do; I have to marry her, that’s what you do, it’s sensible. And it wouldn’t be the first marriage in this family that started with a birth. I love Mallory, and it’s not technically a high school romance when we graduated over a year ago; besides she’s sweet, funny— and she’s the one who‘s been calm about this whole thing; if I’m freaking out she’ll be there to get me through it.
If I wasn’t going to do the right thing why did I come with her to Chicago? I could have stayed back in Cork—but I didn’t, because I’m responsible now—and his parents were still mad at him; they even had a wake for him when he and Mallory left for America.
So that was that, Liam was going to marry Mallory, they were like a pre-made family. Her family lived in Michigan—or was it Minnesota—it didn’t matter, they had family here to help and they had each other. So Liam got up and confidently started inside and to the elevator. There was a college-aged looking girl already inside the elevator with what appeared to be her mother.
“All right, when we get there, just ask for your medical records.” The mother was holding up her hands as if to outline an invisible folder in the air.
“I know.” The girl wanted to roll her eyes but held it back, instead just stared at the floor buttons.
“…And make sure they give you the dental and eye—oh! And proof of insurance, I’m not paying for student health insurance when we already have one. You got all that?” She was moving in front of her and lightly grabbing her arm to get her attention.
“Yeah I got it.” She looked over at Liam and was finally able to roll her eyes to which he gave a smile that meant he understood how she felt; but the moment was lost just as quickly. “Ma, do you have a check for my tuition? I wanted to pay it today.”
“Sure, how much is it for?” The mother reached into her purse for her checkbook.
“I can’t remember, can you leave it blank for now…and I need money for groceries.” She was back to staring at the buttons as they reached their floor.
“No problem sweetie, I’ll just pick—” Was all Liam heard as the doors shut and left him alone in the cold, steel elevator.
What am I thinking? I can’t get married—how do I know if I love her, she’s only the second girl I’ve dated. That girl was my age, I’m nineteen, and she was still reliant on mammy—I can’t raise a baby, I’m still a baby. And it’s a girl; I don’t know the first thing about girls. Susan isn’t responsible and calm, she can’t even keep track of her mensies; how is she going to keep track of a baby? And what the bloody hell am I doing in Chicago? This is a mistake, maybe my family was right, for one Mallory’s English, and we’re both too young for this, we’re irresponsible, immature—we should be going to university not saving for a townhouse.
Liam was breathing heavily, the walls seemed to be closing in on him; the elevator finally got to the maternity ward and he rushed off the elevator and bent over his knees trying to catch his breath; people were starting to stare. The walls were attacking him, the bright pink, pale green, and yellow walls with their giraffes and bunnies and rainbows were jumping off the wall and attacking him.
He started to walk down the only hallway that wasn’t pained with the help of Sesame Street; everyone was smiling and laughing; men shaking each others hands, women doting on another woman’s newborn.
I need coffee, lots of coffee, and for my father to slap me across the face and tell me what to do. I can’t leave her, can’t marry her; definitely can’t raise a girl. Goddamnit! There’s no coffee on the maternity floor; wouldn’t the people going through thirty hours of labor need coffee? Liam let out a small “feck it!” When a plump nurse came up behind him.
“Excuse me son, have you decided yet?” Great even the perky nurse is pressuring me, I can’t decide my future in one elevator ride, what does she want, why is she calling me ‘son?’
“I’m sorry wha’…? Liam was tall enough to push her out of the way; he could hide in a supply closet until he sorted everything out.
“Have you and your wife—”
“She’s not my wife!” He tightly shut his eyes not wanting to roll them in front of a nurse.
“…Oh, sorry, have you and your…Miss Hurst…decided on a name yet?” She leaned a little in and raised her eyebrows to edge Liam to answer.
“A name for wha’?” Liam awkwardly blinked as the nurse continued to stare at him.
“…You—you’re baby—”
“Oh! Right! Right…that…no...” Liam tried to walk away but this nameless nurse was not finished with him.
“No pressure or anything, but…’baby girl McKensie’ isn’t that suitable after the first week.” She let out one empty laugh to break the tension, but it just got bigger; Liam was half turned away from her desperately trying to leave.
“Yeah, right, I’ll just go ask her and then….that will be that…” He attempted a smile but it was just as awkward as her laugh.
“Actually,” the nurse finally moved and practically jumped in front of Liam, “She went for a walk with another nurse to get some air, so…you could….”
“Wait in the room.” This time the smile he gave was a little more natural.
“…Or go see your little girl….maybe get some inspiration….”
“For ah name!” Liam was finally catching on as he snapped his fingers, finally able to walk away.
Great, now she probably thinks I’m a deadbeat; everyone here thought that, just because we’re not married I’m automatically the deadbeat dad. I’m here aren’t I? Doesn’t that count for something? Just because I’m having a panic attack doesn’t mean I should be thrown into the same category as guys who don’t even care their girlfriends are pregnant, or leave without a word.
This place is depressing, the painted walls don’t take away from the smell of medicine and the chill air that flows down these halls that echo crying babies—why are there crying babies? Yes, I know, that’s what babies do, but this is a hospital, shouldn’t the nurses serve them so they’re not so upset?
Liam reached the display glass where another man was standing with his face pressed against the glass and making strange faces; puffing his mouth then letting it out while his eyes practically bulged out of his head. When he saw Liam he immediately stopped; peeling his face from the glass he switched to wiggling his finger with exaggerated smiled and mouthing some words even Liam couldn’t understand, how was his baby, who didn’t even have their eyes open, supposed to read his lips? Liam wanted to stop staring at him with his jaw on the brink of dropping to the ground with disbelief, but he just couldn’t.
“Which is yours?” He eyed Liam out of the corner of his eye without moving his head, as if he was worried the baby would scurry away when his back was turned.
”The girl.” Liam finally stopped staring and now faced the glass.
“Which one?” Now Liam had his attention; as he turned towards him Liam noticed the bags under his eyes, probably form the lack of sleep but had a friendly smile; he was old enough to be Liam’s father. Liam quickly scanned the rows of babies; the words on the metal beds were too small to read clearly.
“There! That one!” He tries to point but the glass is making it hard, moving right next to the guy and pointing right near his face doesn’t work either. “Third row, second to the front.” The guy then starts his mime act with her; Liam stares from the guy to her. She’s crying, probably from this guy’s crazy sideshow act.
“Oi!—hi—over here!” Liam tries to pull the guy away from the glass to stop scaring his unnamed daughter. “Are we allowed to go in there?” The guy’s a little upset he interrupted him.
“Why would there be a display window if we could go in?” He had a confused look across his face. “Hey, are you British?” Now it’s a look of confusion mixed with amusement.
“Irish—I’m just gonna test it out, just for fun you know, we are the reason they’re there after all.” Liam nudges him with his fist on the shoulder as he moves past him towards the door. Once inside, he realized the reason fro the glass was probably to muffle the crying from over twenty babies.
Liam was hesitant about picking her up, she was crying and seemed so tiny in the bed; no one ever showed Liam how to act around a baby, he didn’t want to drop her. He kept reaching down then quickly pulled his arms back—and continued this a few times before a nurse tending to another baby gave him a nod that it was okay to pick her up.
He picked her up and held her with that face you get when trying to sneak around without making any noise; his arms were positioned where they kept her comfortable but he was folding them awkwardly. The crying kept on and while trying to reposition his arms, she slowly stared to calm down.
She’s so tiny, too tiny, are they supposed to be that tiny? I wonder if I put her back she’ll start up again—can’t figure out if she’s sleeping or just shutting her eyes, she’s squirming like someone who’s awake. Now I’m worried to wake her up if I put her back down. She’s gonna be a redhead, don’t know how since she’s bald, but her head is pretty bright; don’t ask me what that means, just trust me, she’s a redhead, probably got it from my—well pretty much half my family, not including myself.
Liam tries to leave the room but is stopped by another nurse. “You can’t leave with her.”
“I was just goin’ to take her to her mum…she still needs a name…” Liam gives a little upwards shrug-like move to point out the baby’s tags have no first name.
“In that case, you go on ahead, and I’ll bring her by in the cart.” She takes her out of his hands and places her back in the bed where she immediately starts her crying again and the nurse puts some small socks on her hands.
“But if I’m goin’ there now, you’ll just be followin’ me with her?” Liam held the door open for another dad coming in to see his kid.
“That’s right, just a precaution.” And with that she moved to another baby to fix their blanket. Liam was left to go ahead to the room without ‘baby girl McKensie’ which didn’t make sense to him. He kept glancing behind him and saw a couple more parents walking towards their room with a nurse pushing a baby behind them.
That wasn’t so bad; she’s pretty calm—as long as you don’t leave her in a cold metal bed with crazy people looking over her. This won’t be that bad, we can do this, if I was able to relax her just picking her up with Mallory it will be even easier—well we’ll still be teen parents, but we’ll figure it out.
I still don’t know about marrying her, I guess I’m gonna have to if I want to get any time with her—for some reason since we got here, people keep insinuating that if your not married the mom automatically gets the kid. This must be what maturity feels like—better than the feeling before like someone’s squeezing my lungs. Mallory’s a great girl; we’ll be fine—just need to make sure not to live by any trains.
Liam reached the spacious room with two rows of beds against opposite walls, separated by light blue curtains—this room seemed brighter than the hallways; Liam was so preoccupied he didn’t even notice it was morning again. Not every bed was taken, but each bed looked the same; a woman holding her baby with the man sitting next to her on the edge of the bed.
Liam reached the bed Mallory stayed and was caught off guard by an empty bed. He looked around but was sure this was the right one since his stuff was still on top of the big cushiony, yet very uncomfortable, chair. Mallory had gone for a walk, but that was fifteen minutes ago.
He decided to sit in the chair and wait for her, but as he began to sit he stopped in midair when he noticed a piece of paper, ripped out of a spiral notebook, leaning against the beige pillow. It had only a few words, each part written on a separate line and in a shaky handwriting: “I can’t do this. I’m sorry. Mallory.” Liam felt himself age ten years in five seconds.
The nurse slowly came in with his daughter, not really knowing what to do; she ended up rolling the baby up to the bed on the opposite side of Liam. Liam looked over at the tiny, innocent; completely unsuspecting of what a twat her mother was.
“What do you think of the name Abigail?” He glanced up at the nurse, who looked sympathetic and yet scared at the same time.
“Ummm…it’s nice—pretty.” She twisted her hands together—Liam could tell she didn’t know what to say; he smiled up at her as if everything were normal.
“Yea’, that’s wha’ I thought…how soon can I take her home?—No—do you have a phone? I need to book a fight back to Cork.” He put on his best smile for Abigail.