The Initiation

The Initiation

Falling through the air, my mind is blank, though I’m aware of an insistent screaming. My eyes shut, all is peaceful…WHOOMPH! The air whooshes out of my lungs as something slams hard against my back. Everything is throbbing. I can’t see, I can’t talk, I can’t move, I can’t breathe. All I can do is listen…listen to the echoing pounding of my heart fading away. Suddenly my eyes clear. The blinding white light disappears and the cinema on the back of my eyelids starts up. A show is playing. It looks familiar. Then it clicks; it’s of my life, the life Janine woke me up to. They say your life flashes in front of you before you die.

Three weeks ago

“Well, you know how we’ve been thinking of fostering a child?” I nod in reply, and they continue, “We’ve found the perfect girl, she looks a bit like you, and she’s 16. She seems like a polite young lady.”
“Wow. Cool. I never knew you guys were so serious about it, but I’m fine with it. Go right ahead and get her. I can’t wait to meet her.”
“Thanks Aurelia. We knew you’d be fine with it.”
I smile. I really wasn’t all that happy about it, but I refused to tell my parents that. I wouldn’t be able to stand their disappointed looks, so I kept quiet about my true feelings and accepted it.

The fostering process was quite simple because my parents had already made the adoption agency aware that they were serious about fostering a child, and were immediately accepted because of their wealth, charm and reputation for charity.
Janine arrived the next week. The first time I saw her without her social worker, she was sitting on the couch, opposite my parents. She sat there, blond, blue eyes, polite and all the works. She reminded me of myself not only in looks (for we shared the same ‘girl next door’ look), but in behaviour. She seemed like the obedient, perfect daughter I was. But there was something in her that wasn’t in me. It didn’t take me long to figure it out, it was spirit; a fight and flame burning in her. The one thing I lacked, and for that, I admired her.

At first, my admiration wasn’t a big deal, but as I got to know her, started to idolize her. She was my big sister- the best friend I never had… So I clung to her. In response to my clinginess, Janine got annoyed and gave me less attention. This only stimulated more clinging, so she tried being mean to me. This didn’t exactly work due to my parents watching over her all the time.
It got to the point where I was close to obsessed, and Janine was on the verge of craziness. I never wanted to let it get that far, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to believe that I was her so I could believe that I actually had a personality. That I wasn’t just a empty body.
Janine thought she had tried everything possible to get rid of me, and resolved to just ignore me and wish I would go away. She kept this resolution until one day, when we were shopping in the city.

A group of late teens appeared from the shop opposite us. I could literally feel Janine freeze up, even though she was at least a meter away from me. I stared at her and swung my head to them (they too had stopped), and then back to her. Her face was cold, I had never seen her like this… then suddenly she broke into a smile and strode over to them. Glares shot out of their eyes, pointing straight at her, Janine kept walking determinedly, with me trailing. Slowly, very slowly, their glares softened. I saw Janine relax a touch. She slapped hands with the guy at the front. He had dark spiky hair, and wore in fashion but baggy clothes. “Sup Leo? Meet my foster sister Aurelia?” Janine had never spoken like this before. Leo smirked when he heard my name. Janine turned to me, “Meet the gang.” Her head nodded at each person as she said their names. I looked at them, they glared at me. Janine stared at me, expecting a reaction. I stared back, then turned to the angry faces, and copied Janine’s determined expression earlier and attempted the gangster talk, “Hey, I’m Aurelia, a.k.a Rellie. Can I join your gang?” Ok I know that was such a lame introduction, especially for a thirteen year old, but it just came out. So much for gangster talk! Yeah… high pitched, shaky, stuttering voices are the new gangster in thing! Ugh!

“What?” Janine spat, shocked, “You want to join the gang? Yeah right! Seriously Rellie, do you even know what a gang is? I’ll tell you, a gang is a group of evil people who join alliances to bash other groups of evil people.” Janine stared at me as if I was dumb. Leo and the rest cracked up. My face burned up hotly, I ducked my head and mumbled, “I don’t care, you’re in it. I’m gunna be in it too!” Now Janine started laughing.
“Oh, you wanna join the gang? Then fine. But you have to take an initiation test first; one that will test your bravery and loyalty.”
Leo’s smile turned upside down, and he stared. He gave her a head tilt that indicated to go with him. She went, and I saw her talking, emphasizing her words with hand gestures. Gradually, Leo nodded, and smiled. Both of them glanced at me, and their grins grew wider. I started to get suspicious, but then Janine walked over and told me we were leaving. I started to protest, but her glare cut me off. So I followed her, like usual.

It wasn’t long before I was informed when the initiation was. It was on the day of the school holiday concert, where I was to sing a lead solo. Janine knew! At first I was mad, but then I thought, this must be the initiation! Giving up something I love to join them. Haha. This is soo easy. When the day came, I missed the concert, and snuck out to the selected place: an old building in one of the run down suburbs near mine. Getting there was easy. I arrived grinning stupidly thinking, YES! I’m in the gang! Wait…act surprised when they tell you. Man was I naïve!

The first thing I noticed was that the old building was big; big as in 5 storeys tall. Second was that no one was there.
“Yo! Rellie! Up here!” I looked up and saw the whole gang sitting on the roof smirking. “Hey goody-goody! There’s a ladder round the side. Climb on up!”
I stared at them in panic. Janine knew I was scared of heights! How can she do this to me?! Then in clicked. This was the initiation. This was the test to find out my bravery. Well if they think I’m that weak, then they are badly mistaken. I climbed up the frightfully wobbly rope ladder, keeping my eyes on the top of the building. I can do this. I can!
After what seemed like hours, but were really minutes, I reached the top. Once again I was grinning stupidly thinking that that was it! I was in the gang. But no! I couldn’t get off so easily!

Janine and Leo greeted me with an order, “You are to stay up here, looking down at us-“
Janine cut Leo off, “we’ll be down at the bottom, by the way,”
“Right. Yeah. Anyway as I was saying, you have to stay up her and look down at us for two hours. You get a break after an hour.”
I gaped at them. Were they seriously making me do this? Its dangerous, not to mention outright cruel! Janine, at my shocked face, reminded me, “You wanted to join the gang didn’t you? Or do you give up?” I shook my head and snapped out of my daze,
“No. I’m definitely going through with this.”
“Fine. Suit yourself.”
I settled myself as comfortably as possible on the edge. I closed my eyes as the descended, leaving me on my own. I heard a shout that my time started then. My eyes flew open, and I instantly regretted it, but my eyes refused to shut. I was mesmerised by the dauntingly massive height. My breath became shallow and fast. I fought to control myself, staring blankly at a random spot, and breathing slowly. Already I was hearing distant snickers. They think I can’t do this! I’ll show them! The fight persisted. At times dizziness battled to overcome me, too many times it nearly did. But I lasted for a long, tiring, traumatising hour.

A shout floated up letting me know I had a 5 minute break to walk around the top of the building and have the snack that was left up there for me. Slowly, I stood, trembling. I walked shaky steps to the middle of the floor and ate.
Too soon, my 5 minutes was up. I baulked walking to the edge. The closer I got, the shakier I became.
Standing at the edge, I was shaking so badly even the people below saw it. I heard some one call up if I was okay. I made the symbol for okay with my fingers and stuck my hand over the edge so they could see.
Swiftly, my upper body bent involuntarily over the edge. My arms made silent circles of desperation at my side. Screams wafted up from below. A moment later my body went limp and I toppled over the edge.

Falling through the air. My mind is blank, though I’m aware of screaming. My eyes shut, all is peaceful… WHOOMPH! The air whooshes out of my lungs as something slams hard on my back. Everything is throbbing. I can’t see, I can’t talk, I can’t move, I can’t breathe. All I can do is listen…listen to the echoing pounding of my heart fading away. Suddenly my eyes clear. The blinding white light disappears and the curtains of my own personal cinema in my mind draw, a show starts. It’s of my life. The life I woke up to when I met Janine. They say your life flashes in front of you before you die.

Janine’s Epilogue

I remember when Aurelia Horace died. Ongoing screams all around. Unescapable. That day was the first day I had cried since I was 5. Ambulance sirens wailed louder and louder, my head throbbed. One moment my mind was filled with random thoughts, and the next, nothing. I found out later that I had blacked out. When I gained consciousness, I immediately called my social worker, who directed me to call my foster parents and apologise to them, and explain what happened. It was the least I could do. They did everything for me, they cared for me and gave me the most enviable life, and what did I do in return? Kill their one and only daughter. There was a lot of screeching and shouts on that phone call. It was the worst thing I had ever experienced. Unbearable guilt burdened me. I had killed an innocent child with a whole life ahead of her. Repeated blaming of myself resulted in self hatred, which gave me a free pass to the rehab.

Now, 5 years later, on the anniversary of Rellie’s death, I am still haunted by her spirit. Although most of the guilt has been lifted off me, I still feel a terrible sorrow. It stayed with me, reminding me of what I did. I never pulled another prank, and thoroughly avoided any gangsters I see. I didn’t have another foster family, as I was 18 by the time I was released from the rehab.

I am now in university, studying teenage psychology. Life goes on, but there hasn’t been one day that goes past without me regretting that prank I pulled on that innocent little girl.