Broken again

She closed her eyes tightly as she dragged the open scissors across her forearm, she felt the skin break, then she opened her eyes and saw the blood seep through the thin cut. She placed the scissors on the side of the bathtub and then leaned back against the wall and lit up a cigarette. She lay her arm at her side and smoked, to relax herself. She had been sitting in her safe place, the bathroom, for over an hour now and for what? Because the one person, that she let herself fall for, after her 3 year relationship had come crashing down on her, had played with her heart. Here she was cutting again, she had promised her therapist that she wouldn’t cut anymore, and here she was doing it anyways. The three times that she had cut prior to this had been for this guy, this guy who told her that He cared for her and He had feelings for her, and she believed him. Maybe she was stupid to think that someone could have feelings for her like that. Maybe she just wasn’t worth loving, That’s what her ex had told her, that she would never find someone like him, No one would ever care for her again, maybe he was right. Just maybe.

She used to be happy; there was a time when she was truly happy but thinking back now she can’t remember the exact date or year. This mental fate had taken over her life, her being, maybe she let it, maybe it had just taken over her without her even realizing it. Sometimes she wondered if she was really a person anymore or just a label of what she had been through. Maybe if she had gotten the help at the beginning when she really needed it, she wouldn’t feel like this now, so broken, on the inside. What was the beginning? It seems so far away now, most of the memories have faded but the emotional scars are still there. She had always felt different from the rest of her peers, being the odd girl out, being different isn’t always a good thing. Tormented and teased was how she spent most of her school years and by the time she was 16 she was ready to scream, the law stated that she was old enough to make her own decisions at that age, so she decided to break away and drop out. While this was “what was right” for her, her family disagreed full heartedly and tried to force her to go back, they retreated in sending her down to NC to live with her aunt and go to school down there. Even though she knew that this would end up in her getting sent back up to NY, she played along and went, ultimately she did come back to NY just three days after she originally left. At the time she was dating a guy, her first love, he ended up leaving her to go see family just 3 months after she returned to NY and that was the last she ever saw of him. She later learned that he had a warrant in NYC, she patiently waited 2 years for him to return and finally she just gave up completely and ended things with him, at least in her heart, she wasn’t able to tell him that it was over until she was already a year into a relationship with someone else, someone who she wasn’t in love with.

All the while she was dealing with an emotional battle inside herself, she was confused and the pain was so deep at that point she didn’t know where to turn, she tried to put up a front around her family, friends and numerous guys who came in to her life but truthfully she was sick of smiling, sick of pretending that everything was fine, sick of acting like she was happy. She didn’t have a choice, her family refused to believe that something was actually wrong with her mentally. They, especially her father, told her that it was “all in her head” and that she needed to “get over it”, she spent her days, silently crying and wishing that all this would go away. She had attempted suicide once up to that date, she had taken a bottle of aspirin and left the house, headed to her friends house and then spent the night and day after, throwing up. She wanted everything to end, that day, but it didn’t and she couldn’t understand why God would want her to continue suffering like this. When she was 19, she was out with some friends and she was raped, that was a scar bigger then anything else, which would remain with her as long as she lived. Just two weeks after that night she met a guy who at the time, she was sure would make her happy, she was wrong. She ended up getting pregnant and going against her families’ wishes she chose to keep the baby and even more she chose to stay with this man, who was abusing her physically, verbally and emotionally. He promised her the world and she believed all his lies. He promised her that he would always be there for her, she believed him. He told her that she couldn’t do any better; he broke her down until the only thing that she trusted was him. She threw away friends that she had known for years, for this man. She even began doubting her family and she slid deeper into her depression. He fed her line after line, He even came close to killing her once and still she stayed with him, because she believed that she could do no better. On top of dealing with her own battles when she was 20, her father lost his 3 year battle with Lung cancer and passed away in their home on January 10th, 2004. 4 months later her mom forced her out of her private security and her, her 11th month old son and her son’s father were forced to move, into the childhood home that she had grown up in. In July her son & her moved into a new apartment and her son’s father was supposedly living back with his mom but he was staying with her. Finally in august, after a week long stay in the mental ward her son’s father, ended things with her, he told her that things weren’t working out anymore and even though on the outside she played the part, tears and all. On the inside she was silently screaming with joy and wondering why she didn’t have the strength to do it herself. She knew the truth, He always blamed everyone else but himself, as long as the blame didn’t fall on him, he was okay. He blamed her family for her the gravity of her mental state when he should have been blaming himself, all the pain that he had put her through for 3 years, the emotional scars.

She was finally free, free to scream, free to cry & free to be with whom she wished. She saw this as a new beginning but the guys, who came into her life, weren’t what she was looking for, all she wanted was someone who could make her happy. 6 months after her last relationships fatal end she finally thought she found someone to make her happy but she didn’t fully believe that he truly wanted her, so she hurt him before he had a chance to hurt her, then she realized her mistake but it was to late. She thought that maybe he might want a relationship with her; during that time she had developed feelings for him and she told him, he acted like he could care less. That was the point when she started to feel uncomfortable around him, she has a hard time expressing her feelings to people, she wishes that she can turn back time, she would fix all the mistakes that she made regarding him. If she had the chance she would tell him that he was one of the only reasons why she was still around, and that she would give anything to go back and undo the mistake that she made.

She is constantly questioning people’s motives, do they really care or is there something else they are after. She is constantly wondering if her friends are really her friends, or are they secretly after something else. As soon as she started to relax around this person, he started playing games and if he was doing all this to hurt her, she wants to let him know that he succeeded. She thought that maybe there was someone out there to put a smile on her face, maybe there is but maybe she was wrong about him all along. She’s in a place now where she can’t move on, she’s to scared to ask him flat out what he wants because she doesn’t want to get shot down, he has already scarred her heart. She’s stuck in this situation where being with other guys feels wrong but she doesn’t want to cry over him anymore, keeping all these feelings for him inside and pretending that she doesn’t care that he’s with other people is tearing her up. She doesn’t know what to do, she thought that if she got away from the guy that ruined her life, she’d finally have a chance to be happy but going through all this for someone who may not even want to be with her, is worse.

She used to think that there was someone out there for everyone, whenever she broke up with someone she’d always tell herself “If I am meant to be with this person, we will be” and maybe that’s all that was going through her mind when she hurt this guy, but whatever it was, she was wrong, she hopes that he knows how sorry she is. She doesn’t even know if him reading all this, is really a good idea, maybe writing all this was a huge mistake but she wants him to know exactly what is in her heart.