three days at rochester

... He called me on a stormy friday night... I was nervouse... My mom was drinking alot the previouse night, and calling her boyfriend Jammie every five seconds at his work, so I wouldnt leave Brians number so she could check on me... I just called up my good friend Will and left a message and Brians number on his mobile...Lightning had just struck the wires infront of my house minutes before he pulled into my driveway... a few deep breaths, and a toss to the hair I walked out onto my back porch... he was steping out of his car... He didnt seem disapointed to see me... He was in a T-shirt and jeans. His hair was pulled back... I would usually hug a good friend but being this was the first time we where standing infront of each other I smiled and greeted him... "Im Brian he would say..." I would look down at the spilled paint on his birkenstocks and let loose a smile at the corner of my mouth... He unlocked the car door from the inside to let me in... The ash tray was filled with cloves and gave the car its defining smell...

The ride was quiet... "Akward silence" He would say... considering that we had so much to say on the phone that left us with just a few words and two hours of driving ahead of us... I hadnt seen his paintings and I could tell he was an artist... I felt like a child with a silly little crush on her teacher... It left me with a high feeling... but then again I kept woundering if I would even be good enough to him let alone for him... The silence left me woundering if the smile was a way of being nice, or if he was just pondering through his head as much as I was....

We got to his apartment. It was a brick house and Brians apartment was on the second floor... The inside of the house  was really simple... his dog at our feet, greeting us with his dog like smile... The futon laid out in the middle of the living room... There was a cluttered table... Some of his paintings hung over the bed in his room that he claimed he rairly ever used... The bed was to big for his liking... I admired every colored canvas on the walls... The colors danced on every canvas with out shape and no intended form... I sat down and let him feed me books on Anselm Kiefer and Jackson Pollock, the ones that inspired him...

We watched a movie on Pollock... and watching the movie it sort of broke my heart... His freedom... Every thing Brian was, was sort of what Ive wanted to become since I was eight.... Me and him talked... It was going on two in the morning when we started kissing... and much like the night we stayed up on the phones till we heard the birds chearping minutes before the sun hit, we did the same in bed... curiouse about everything between us... with every little bit we did I wanted more... I had no limit with him... For once I knew that there was some bit of innocence between our bair skin..

I slept deeper than I ever had during the day... every once in a while Ide forget where I was and open my eyes to the morning sun peeking through the blinds... I was happy... but not sure how happy I should be... what was I risking? what was I about to loose? I know it was something I could want... being with him... but what could I expect from him before my heart was open again? The weekend with him did not leave me in shame... Asking him what he thought... wanting to keep him... hoping he had something to say that I wanted to hear... I wanted to be with him so bad it hurt... but I contained myself... Kept myself closed thinking about the instant I was with him and not the days I would be with out him... what kind of road were we going down... Together were we looking at hitting dead ends ahead of us? Or was there a chance that the road would go smoothly for a while longer so I can say that we had something? or would that have become a had? I tried not to let him know I was obsesing... because I obsessing was the one thing I promised myself I would try to avoid...

One thing I was sure of was that, I felt like the characters in the books I read... I didnt have to eat. I didnt have to even breath... I felt no need standing by him... I felt a bit of his freedom rubbing off on me... I knew that with every bit of natural high from my days with him took away from my broken past... I didnt have to cry anymore...