Losing Forever

Heartache was not part of the plan.  She was young and still believed in forever.  That's what she wanted.  Forever.  Now that time has passed she realizes that forever was never a realistic option.

It started out purely sexual.  She was still on the mend from a prior break up.  He was the "rebound guy" that everyone told her she needed to find.  He was content with his role and wasn't looking for anything more.  To their surprise it didn't take long for their relationship to become about heartfelt feelings rather than physical satisfaction.

He said the right things.  He did the sweet things that young girls see on TV and hope that they one day experience.  He cried with her.  Embraced her.  Caressed her.  They talked and laughed.  They loved.

It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.  They argued with the same intensity that they loved.  She knew that he was holding something back.  She knew that she loved him with a ferocity that he didn't reciprocate.  Eventually she realized that it wasn't something that she was doing wrong, but something that he was holding onto from before her time.  It was nothing she could possibly combat no matter what knowledge she held.  In fact, the more knowledge she had, the more damaged they became.

The piece of his heart that he grasped so tightly was the piece that he held ransom for the girl before her.  The part where she still resided.  The part that still yearned for the past more than it would ever accept the future.  She knew that she'd always be standing in the shadow of his first love and it broke her heart more with each day that passed.  She was second best and there was absolutely nothing that she could do about it.  She stayed with him, all the while waiting and hoping that he would realize what he had.

Bringing a new life into the world was not the glue that would mend the relationship.  He had different expectations for them.  With the knowledge of new life she began changing her goals and dreams.  He resisted the change.  As the new life bled from her body a part of her soul dissipated.  She was no longer the same innocent girl.  She didn't know how to handle the pain of loss.  She knew she was alone in her grief and couldn't stop the sadness.  She was told that time would heal all wounds and  that she would one day feel whole again, but she couldn't imagine the sunshine ever being as bright as it once was.  She could no longer believe in forever by any stretch of her imagination.

The end was as abrupt as the beginning.  He didn't see it coming.  He didn't know how lost in darkness she was.  He saw her changing.  He knew that something was different.  He never could have imagined the internal transformation that she had gone through.  She gave him everything she had left in her heart before she walked away.  She showed him all the tenderness that she had once lavished on him daily.  She made love to him with the softness that would allow him one last glory-filled memory of what they once had.

Her heart was heavy when she left.  It was heavy with the child they had lost.  It was heavy with the pain and sadness she had been carrying.  She knew there was no turning back.  She knew she would long for him one day and it would be too late.  And yet she couldn't stop herself from going.  She couldn't look back.  She reminded herself that he loved another and she knew that forever was already a distant memory.