InTheLifeOfMe

InTheLifeOfMe

You know I sit here and look back on my life. I
sometimes think I got cheated, but I look at my son and the
wonderful man I proudly call my husband, and I think maybe
some how it was all worth the pain. I am blessed to have
them in my life. Sometimes I act crazy, and sometimes I
don't know who I am. But here I want to try and explain
about my life.

My life started out in chaos, and by this I mean, the
umbilical cord was wraped around my throat killing me.
Already not born yet I tried commiting suicide, which
you'll soon find out wasnt the last time I tried. Born
August of 1978, In Wilson, North Carolina. Yeah I'm
southern by birth, And some how survived a childhood with
lots of trouble.

My earliest childhood memory is around the age 3-3 1/2,
as a young girl we visited My dad's parents' house and on
this particular day my brother and I had decided to wrestle
around. The main thing I remember is him jumping off the
couch and landing on me. I heard a snap, it was my collar
bone. I hit the floor and remembered my parents rushing in
and yelling. My brother in shock, and being yelled out,
broke down and cried. Then I was being rushed to the E.R..
Most of that day remains a blur, considering I was very
young, I dont think I'll ever get all the details.

Another time I remember being young like that I was
four. This time I was a pain in the butt when my mom needed
to help my brother with his homework. My brother, Michael,
was easily distracted by every little thing being ADHD and
all. Homework time for him was a hassle I believe my mom
could have done without. None the less she at the time
tried her best. One this day though she decided to make a
very bad choice as I dont remember her ever doing it
before. My mother decided the best solution was to send me
her four year old daughter to the other end of the
apartment complex to play at the park. Even in the south
this was not a great idea, As you'll soon understand why.

As I walked down to the park on the sidewalks provided
by the apartment complex, I came across an elderly woman
and her son who, by the way, was mentally handicap. Me
being only four wouldnt understand that part for years to
come.

The man stoped me and ask where was I going. I knew I
wasnt suppose to talk to strangers, but He acted like a
child I thought and he was with his mommy, so i figured it
was ok, and I really didnt want to go alone. As it turns
out you should never talk to strangers no matter what.

I told him my mom wanted me to go to the park and play
until my brother was done with his homework and he would
come get me. His mother said to me that I shouldnt be going
alone.I told her my mom thinks I am a big girl now so it
was ok. The man asked his mommy if it was ok to walk with
me to keep me safe. His mommy let him come. I learned
though that I didnt like his meaning of safe.

We walked along the path to the park but right before we
came to the park he told me he knew of a place in the woods
that was very pretty and I would like it. I told him I
didnt like the woods very much but he said I would like
this. I decided later I didnt like it very much. We went
into the woods a little way and he was right there was some
pretty flowers there. He then asked me to play a game. I
said ok. After all what kid doesnt like games.? The game he
wanted to play wasn't as fun as he said it would be.

"Michelle,Michelle, your going to be in trouble if you
dont come home" was the next thing I remember hearing. It
was my brother calling me, he came to take me back home. I
was scared I wasnt suppose to talk to strangers. My brother
saw me there in the woods and he came closer and looked at
the guy and me naked. Then he said your going to be in alot
of trouble, and took off running.

I got dressed after the man took off running with his
clothes and walked home. I was scared so I walked slow.
Then my mom came running and somehow I made it home. The
cops showed up and my dad too. I got asked alot of
questions and I had to show them where I met the man. My
parents starting fighting with each other. I remember the
look on the man's face when they pulled away with him in
the back seat of that cop car. I felt so bad and I was
sorry he was not allowed to live with his mommy anymore.

Then I remember them saying I'd have to go to the E.r.
to get checked out. I had an exam that I wished would stop
but no one would listen. My parents were still arguing out
in the hall I could hear them, while laying there naked
with nothing but a gown and a sheet and my legs spread open
in the air. I didnt know at the time that anything else
could have been worse. I remember that night I wished for
the first time that I would die.

I had upset my dad and my mom. They didnt want a little
girl like me anymore I wasnt a very good girl letting guys
touch me. Little did we know it wouldnt end there. I soon
let many men touch my body and have their way with me. I
never again wanted to live but somehow did continue to go
on. I may not to this day understand why these things
happened to me and I may never know why, I just know pain
happens more then happiness to a girl like me.

It wasnt soon after that, that my brother and I decided
we didnt want to stay in the apartment anymore while are
mother slept. We sneak out to go play with some neighbor
hood kids. We went back into those same woods to play My
brother and another boy said they knew some really cool
trees to climb and places to play in those woods. I went
along so I wouldnt be left alone again. We got to playing
in there and it got really dark then we couldnt find our
way out. I remember seeing flash lights which made me happy
cause I was starting to get worried with it being so dark
and now we couldnt see how to get out. The cops came and
saved us from the woods. Once again we were in trouble with
mom and dad and they of course started fighting again
because of the stupid things I've done.

We soon moved from those apartments to a house and to a
different school so we had to make new friends. We lived
close to the comunity pool so mom decided to take us for
swimming lessons. I really like swimming and I got really
good at it. They had to ask mom everytime if they could
move me to the next level cause I was so small. I was still
only 4 when we started and turned 5 later that summer. But
I had made it all the way to the 12 foot deep pool with the
high diving board, my brother didnt like the water as much
as I did. He stayed only in the 4 foot deep water. I
remember the first time they let me go up on the high dive.
I was grinning from ear to ear that day. I finally was
doing something right. I remember everyone saying I wouldnt
do it, or I'd get all the way up there and chicken out.

I walked over to those steps and climbed all of them up
to the very top, still smiling. I remember thinking It's
got to be like flying. I still to this day wish to one day
soar like an eagle. I walked to the end of the board and
looked out and saw everyone watching me. I said to myself I
have to make mom proud. I waved to her, looked down and
closed my eyes and felt myself lift off the board and I
felt so light. I landed into the water feet first sinking
all the way to the bottom with my eyes closed and then
bouncing off the bottom and shooting straight up to the
surface. When I got up to the top I heard the most
wonderful sound I'd ever heard before. People were
clapping, clapping for me. That was amazing, I loved to
swim. I loved diving off that high dive. I loved leaping
into the air, soaring, and being light as if nothing would
ever touch me again at least not in those few seconds
before hitting the water and even then while in the water
your body and mind can be so free and light.

At the end of that summer I remember playing outside
once again with no supervision with my brother. Our
neighbor was having a yard sale and had a box that said
free on it. My brother was looking threw it and found
something he liked. It was an antena for a tv. he took it
and broke off the antena part and was playing with it like
it was an arrow. I was watching him throw it around and
trying to stick it into the ground, when he came up with
the idea to throw it at me. I being what I thought was
smart turned so it wouldnt hit me. I learned it wasnt so
smart, it was very sharp and had landing in my head, in the
back of my head that is. Blood starting running down my
head and my brother got really scared and yanked it out of
my head and went and put it back in the box he got it from.
I just stood there looking at all the blood. My brother
asked me to say I fell and hit my head so he wouldnt get
into trouble so thats what we told my mom. Little did we
know the neighbor watched it happen and told my dad when he
came home. My brother learned to fly that night. I got into
trouble too for lying but I just got whipped I didnt have
to learn to fly yet.

Later on that fall some new kids moved in down the
street and they would play with us when our dad was at work
because we went suppose to play with "black" kids, because
our dad is very racist. One day one of the boys and I were
in the shed playing when we decided to play house. He was
the husband and I was the wife. My brother and the other
kids became our children and were sent out to play. He told
me we had to do what he say his mom and dad doing becuase
thats what husbands and wives do. So we took off all our
clothes and laid down next to each other and did some
touching, I told him I knew how to do somethings because a
man taught me so I showed him. Then my brother walked in on
us and ran and told our mom. She was not happy with me
again, again I screwed up. She decided not to tell my dad
because she too would get into trouble for letting us play
with the colored kids.

You know come to think of it that same night I learned
my parents were getting a divorce and my dad was moving out
to live with his new girlfriend that he liked better then
my mom and he later married her. We moved to Jacksonville
to live in our grandparents' barn that had had an apartment
built on to it. It was only a one bedroom though which
meant My mom, My brother and I all shared that little room.
My uncle also stayed when mom went out, and when she met my
step dad he too stayed in there. I one night woke up and
watched them have sex it was gross, but they made alot of
noise I couldnt drown out. My uncle had come to visit alot
when we lived with my dad back in Wilson, He too like the
secret game. I cant remember the first time we played it
though. I think its just something that has always just
happened.

My grandparents didnt like my mom's new boyfriend who
later became my step dad. They wouldnt let mom see him
while she lived there but she sneaked him in alot. He did
get us another place so they could live together. My uncle
moved in with us to help out with my brother and I because
now my mom was having another baby and we sometimes were
too much for her. She was still sad that daddy left her and
didnt want to see us kids until one day he just showed up
at school and we left early that day and went to his house.
We learned that he had married this other lady and she had
a daughter and they had just got back from disney world. We
asked why didnt he take us, he said it was because he asked
our mom and she said no but I know he never asked her cause
we didnt even have a phone. But come to find out daddy
wasnt suppose to take us from school that day cause about a
week later mom came to our new school and got us with the
cops and my grandpa. It happened like that for the next
couple of weeks where we never knew who was picking us up
or what school we was suppose to go to.

It finally ended up that we lived with mom. I wanted to
stay with my dad because uncle Kevin kept me up at night so
at moms I didnt get alot of sleep. But then I wanted to
live with mom cause my new step mom didnt like me much and
Jessica really hated me and told me that I was not his
little girl no more that she was better then me and thats
why he took her to disney world and not me. When I would
visit my dads she always made her dog bite me. I hated
going so one day my grandpa told me and my brother that if
we told our dad we didnt want to go for a visit that he
would buy us something special. So we lied to our dad.

We was suppose to go the first weekend of the month to
our dads sometimes he would show up other times he's just
never show up. Most of the times he did come he was
drinking and a few times he got pulled over and went to
jail and fran our step mom would have to come pick us all
up from the jail. Thats a scary place.

I smoked my first cig when I was 8 years old. We use to
sneak them from mom and David and smoke in the woods. Its
also the time my mom thought I had a weird nose. I use to
get these odd nose bleeds all the time. Little did they
know I did it to myself. I'd get so mad or upset and hit
myself. Mostly when they yelled at me about not keeping the
house clean or cooking something right. I learned not to
cry so much, I learned to cry in a different way. My uncle
lived with us as I mentioned. He one day got a new
girlfriend her name was Carol, yes I still remember her.

He use to come in almost everynight, to play our secret
game. When he finished with me everynight he always
reminded me to keep it our secret. Then one night he said
he wanted to play a different game a better game one that
would turn me into a woman. He then had some beers and
insisted I learn to drink too. Later he introduced me to
pot to help with the excitment. One night he got mad at me
though because he was what he said trying to make me feel
good for all the times I'd made him feel good but he said
my body was broken I didnt understand at that time, I asked
him what was it that I was suppose to do? He told me girls
are suppose to come and then I had to have him explain what
that meant cause I was confused. He told me its when a girl
gets wet there. I said I could try to get it right and so
we agreed that the next night I would try. It didnt end so
good, I ended up peeing on him. I'm very ashamed about
it.He said I was not very good He said I was nasty. I had
to sleep in my bed like that all night cause he said I
wasnt allowed to change them cause then I would get into
trouble if anyone found out about he being nice and playing
he secret game with me. I didnt sleep that night which was
hard after I'd been drinking with him and smoking some pot.

One day I had a friend who wanted to come and stay the
night she was a neighbor and our parents were friends too.
I told her she couldnt stay because My uncle and I would be
playing our secret game and she couldnt play cause it was
only for special people. She got mad and hit me and told me
I better tell her what kind of game it was. So I did cause
she hits hard too. She then told me I had to tell my mom or
she was going to tell her herself. So we told my mom and
then my moms yelling at me that this better not be a lie.
Then my mom sends her home and takes me out to the bar
where my other uncle is at and made me tell him then asked
him if she should believe me or not. He said to take me to
the hospital and they could tell if it was true or not and
that if it wasnt then I would go to jail. The hospital said
it was true, and that I would have scaring.

I had to have that same exam and then they also did
some other stuff too. this time I had to talk to a lady and
tell her everything and she made me tell her how he did it
and I had to draw pictures and all kinds of stuff. I told
her how he use to just touch me at first but then I was
learning how to be a woman. She asked all kinds of
questions, and she kept asking for dates when everything
happened But I told her I didnt know the dates that it was
like everyday or so. I had to tell her about all the times
when we would drive in the car somewhere how we kept a
blanket in the car in the backseat and Uncle Kevin always
sat in the middle between My brother and Me so we couldnt
fight and Uncle K and I would always wrap up in the blanket
and he would touch me and let me touch him. I told her
about when we watched tv how I always got to sit in his lap
with a blanket and he touched me then too. I told her about
the walks in the woods how we always sneaked off and got to
play our game all the time.

She asked where were my parents everytime I just told
her the truth they were around. She asked me when did he
start penatration I had to have her explain that. My answer
was I wasnt sure when just happened one day she asked me
had it hurt and had I bleed. I said it all started with
just touching then one day he just started really slow. We
put it down there and each time got a little farther in
until one day it went in all the way. I told her there
wasnt much blood each time just a little and he made it not
hurt so much because he loves me and doesnt want to hurt me
so we went slow. and the beers helped.

That night when we went back home I was sent to my room
as soon as we got home they told him I was in trouble but
soon after we got home the cops came I sat on my mattress
holding my pillow person I loved dearly and cried I didnt
want this to be happening. I didnt want to bad.. I'm sorry.
the next day we had to go to that court house they let my
uncle come home with us until his hearing. he wasnt suppose
to stay at our house but he did and he asked me why I would
lie in front of my mom and I said I never lied he said I
will pay one day for all this.. I still believe him. I
think I still am paying and always will.

He did go to jail well prison that is. he went for 2
years and 4months. My grandpa was so mad at me he made me
go to the prison every other weekend to tell my uncle how
sorry I was for messing up his life. He made me promise my
uncle I would make it up to him. I had to do extra chores
at my grandpa's house to make money for my uncle for stuff
he needed.

When my uncle got of prison he moved into the apartment
above the barn. The judge said he couldnt be around kids
but mostly me and if I came to a family thing he was to
leave right away without looking at me or saying a word.
but my grandpa said that I was the one who would have to
leave if I didnt want to be around him. I just kept my
mouth shut. Soon I was back in my uncles bed because he
missed me so much. He said he was the only one who really
loved me. He said we'd be together forever and no one could
stop us from our secret game he said if I didnt want to
play then I would pay for the time he spent in prison. One
day I tried to tell him I taught I was pregnant and he hit
me in the stomach and pushed me down some stairs that night
I started my period at least I think it was my period. we
didnt sleep together much after that day anymore just once
in awhile but he made a cousin and me sleep together. He
would play strip poker with all of us too.

In the time he spent in prison other guys decided to
make moves on me. different family members in my step dads
family to guys my step dad brought home from work. I was
quite the slut in my childhood.

I moved in with my dad for a short time about 6months I
think I was around 14. Even in a new town I had sex with
grown men.

My life has mostly been alot of sex. Sex has been
apart of my life for as long as I can remember. I havent
even wrote about the stuff my cousin and I use to do when
our parents played cards on friday nights. I also havent
written about the way My parents treated me. that can be
another story at another time.. right now I think I am
exausted from writting this much. My brain is fried or
maybe it just plain hurts because I dont know what I should
be feeling right now. I dont know anything at all. I know
deep inside I hurt. I know that deep inside I'm torn
between it being my fault and it not being my fault and I
would like to kill these bastards. I'm torn at believing I
am a bad person. I'm torn at the thought of I want to die.
I am torn inside deeper then you can imagine.

My insides are like puzzle piecies shredded into a
million peices and scattered everywhere mixed in with
trash. I dont know where to being and what to trust or even
who. I am at a lost. I dont want to live because I'm afraid
of who I am and what is happening. I dont want to die
because I love my son and want to protect him from this
world and because I love my husband who is so awesome to
me. I am torn between what to do and what not to do,
between whats rights and whats wrong and between who to
believe in and who has the answers.

None of this will prolly make since to anyone its why
I keep it all inside. because I just dont know what to
feel. sometimes when i do feel happy i feel guilty to her..
I feel as if I betrayed this person inside. when I feel
down I feel like I'm letting everyone down i feel so much
like a failure. I cant even stand myself.