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My family always took these ridiculous “family” vacations. Each year, my mom, Kathleen, my dad, Greg, my older sister, Maureen and I would pile into the “family” SUV (also known affectionately as “Dad’s Midlife Crisis”) and drive to a small, wooded “campground” to have a week of tranquility. We are then expected to do “family” activities, such as swimming, hiking, etc. But the fact is, this is all a terrible description of our family trip. Here’s the blunt truth, plain and simple.
Our “family” doesn’t decide to go on vacation, my dad does. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s been involved in a small drug ring for the past five years, hidden by his stunning reputation as Vice President of WorldTech Incorporated, a medium-sized computer hardware company based out of New York. My mom, a stay-at-home closeted serial shopper, is permitted thirty dollars per week so that she doesn’t spend it all on some ridiculous purse (again). My sister, a twenty year old freshman at SUNY Albany, would rather have sex and drink all day and night than “camp”. Not that staying in a four star hotel is really camping, unless you consider fine dining, plus suites, and a chlorinated water hole as camping. Me, I’m normal. To my family, anyway. Last year, I discovered that I am gay. Alright, fine…I knew it all along, but I guess I just wasn’t sure. I’m only 17, and I wasn’t really thinking of sex anyway, until our last camping trip. Without getting into too much detail, I met a “similar” minded guy named Kyle Green. His dad worked for WorldTech too, but miles under mine. We hit it off, hit on each other, then just…well…hit it. It happened almost the entire three weeks of our last vacation, until it was time for him to leave. Lets just say there were no tears on his end, or emotion of any kind. He shook my hand, and said it was nice to meet me. I was appropriately confused. Four months later, at a holiday party at WorldTech New York, I saw him…with a girl. Making out.
The girl happened to be my sister.
Awkward.
Of course, Maureen didn’t know I was gay, and probably just assumed that Kyle and I were friends. But he knew she was my sister, and to top it all off, he had seen me out of the corner of his eye; and smiled. Now, all Maureen had been talking to me about was how she couldn’t wait to see Kyle again. I didn’t quite share her enthusiasm. As I looked out the tinted window of our over-priced SUV, all I could think about was how every mile marker symbolized the hours of my life ticking away.
“We’re here.” No excitement. Just my dad’s feeble attempt at a family vacation. A door attendant reached for my door, and I stepped out, stretching my cramped legs. “Welcome to Lakeside Manor.” He said courteously. I smiled and grabbed my iPod out of the side door before he closed it, my eyes scanning the lobby as we entered the building. Lakeside Manor was definitely a family resort, and the week we would be spending there happened to fall right in the middle of the month, when most regular families returned. As my father went to check in, my mother greeted a few friends, and Maureen lounged in an oversized armchair. I busied myself looking at pamphlets about new (and exciting, according to the text) renovations until I heard a squeal of delight, which subsequently caused me to drop the heavy booklet. As I turned, I was horrified to see Maureen run to Kyle and practically jump him in full view of everyone, her squeals turning to whispered talking and fervent kisses. I bent down to pick up my pamphlet and when I rose, I was delighted to see Kyle and Maureen approaching me. “How’s it going, Jack?” he asked, his wavy blond hair much too long. I smiled with uncertainty, scratching my arm with the pamphlet,. “You know. Same shit, different summer.” I said. Maureen smiled. “Kyle is coming to dinner with us tonight.” She said happily. I forced a smile as I felt Kyle’s eyes boring into me. “Oh, really. That’s great. Will you excuse me?” I asked politely. Maureen looked at me oddly, and I tried my best to look pale, which wasn’t hard, considering all of the blood in my body was in my feet. Kyle looked at me a little suspiciously, and I shifted my gaze to Maureen. “I feel a little sick room the ride, I’m going to go get settled in my room.” I explained. She nodded and as quickly as I could while still looking sick, I grabbed my room key from my bewildered dad and ran up the stairwell to my suite. That was the happiest moment of the entire trip.
Tears, as expendable as the little assholes are, were worth more than Kyle, and I kept telling myself that as I looked in the full length mirror, completely naked. I was well-built, tan, and handsome. So what the fuck was wrong with me? I shook my head in answer to my own question, knowing full well that the fact that I didn’t have a vagina was working against me. I flopped down on the bed, naked and tormented, and let myself drift off to sleep.
At around 5:30pm, my cell phone rang, waking me from a sweaty, memorable dream that the insistent hard on between my legs told me I’d have to revisit later. With bleary eyes and a tired voice, I answered. “Hello?” “Honey, its Mom. We’re all in the Ontario, waiting for you.” She said persistently. Shit, I thought, dinner. More fun to come. “I’ll be right down.” I clapped the phone shut and threw on some clothes, walking the walk of a dead man as I went to hell.
“So Kyle, I hear you’re going to MIT this fall. Can I ask what you’ll be studying?” My father was asking. I pushed some more cheese and spinach tortellini around my plate and half listened to the answer. Kyle finished his mouthful, then cleared his throat. “Well, I was thinking about getting into computer hardware.” He said, and Maureen smiled at him. “Just like you, daddy!” she said excitedly. My mother smiled and took my hand. “Jack is considering Julliard.” She said proudly. Kyle smiled. “Acting? I always thought you’d pursue something a little more concrete, not so volatile.” He commented. I evened my stare to his and smiled back. “Life has taught me that nothing is concrete. Some chances, however, are worth more than others.” Kyle’s smile disappeared and my father grinned, patting me on the back. “I was a little apprehensive at first, sending Jack here off to be an actor. Honestly, I always thought you had to be queer to be on stage.” Maureen’s head snapped up from her dinner, and she glared at him. “Dad!” she whispered fiercely. “Really, Greg, was that appropriate?” my mother added. I shook my head. “Turns out you were wrong.” The rest of dinner and desert passed in a blur as I tired to swallow my food, but to this day, I think it’s still hanging in my throat.
I excused myself early from the dinner, explaining that I wanted to get a shower before bed, and hurried back to my room. I was partially blinded by tears as I took the hottest shower of my young life, trying in vain to scrub away the sadness and disappointment I felt at the simple thoughtlessness of my father’s comment. He had always been so close-minded, so cruel to those who were different. Unfortunately, “fag” and “queer” were not uncomment words in our house, and as I toweled off in front of the steamed mirror, I realized I had very little hope of that every changing.